Every realtionship has its ups and downs….and sometimes our behaviors can be the deciding factor on how often those times are up or down. The following are examples of ways in which you can ensure 99% of those times will be down, for whatever short time the relationship can survive them. Alternatively, if you’re not looking to spoil a relationship, please feel free to do the exact opposite.
1.) When fighting about a completely unrelated topic, bring up the random girl you thought he was flirting with three weeks ago that he doesn’t even remember. Repressing emotions is a surefire way to cause problems. You may think you’re being stealth and coming off as though everything is fine, but unless your partner is completely oblivious, he or she will pick up on your vibes and know something is wrong. The longer you keep things stuffed deep down inside, the stronger the emotions get and you turn into a ticking time bomb. Communication is the bane of any effort to ruin a relationship. Try letting your emotions build up so much that one day you have a wild outburst over something trivial, not only will you alienate and confuse your partner as to what is really wrong, but you’ll also come off as a total nut job.
2.) When out to dinner with her, be sure to blatantly check out every girl in eyeshot. The majority of people in relationships tend to prefer monogamy and therefore do not take well to signs of possible or future infidelity. By making your wandering eyes obvious, you’re effectively communicating that she is not the most important woman in her life and that you think other women are superior to her- after all, if they weren’t, why would you been craning your neck around to stare? By focusing on your date and showing care and interest in her alone, you will make her feel loved and secure in your relationship….but what’s the fun in that, right?
3.) Lie, lie….and lie about lying. Lying is the best when you’re trying to screw something up! For every lie you tell, it breeds another lie to explain the last. Try getting a little note pad in which you can keep detailed descriptions of each lie you have told and to whom, that way you’ll be a more organized and efficient liar. But as with every lie, there is always a loophole; always a way around your story that just doesn’t add up and pretty soon your partner will be scratching their head suspiciously. What’s even worse than the lie is the alternative scenarios your partner will be imagining that might be the actual truth. Yay for deception!
4.) Grrrrrrr, be angry a lot. No one likes to be around a perpetual grouch, so the more sourness you pour on the better. Hate the weather, hate the economy, be negative about little things like the brightness of rooms and loudness of air conditioners. Complain about the food, get in shouting matches with random passersby, avoid fight reconciliations like the plague, and NEVER apologize for being such an angry jerk. This will surely drive your partner right out of the door. However, beware that there are certain people out there who are attracted to angry jerks and enacting these behaviors may fuel their infatuation with you. But then you’ve opened up a whole other can of worms because you’ve found yourself someone with baggage from childhood who’s mommy or daddy went to anger management. In this case, try being like sugar and spice and everything nice to kill the relationship.
5.) Talk about marriage and having children too soon. Inappropriately timed discussions about tying the knot and popping out babies with your partner are a great ways to send them running for the hills. Buy a little memo pad and have a brainstorming session with your partner on potential spots for the wedding reception and your favorite baby names. Also, calling your partner “mama” or “papa” is another creepy way to enhance this tactic.
6.) Be insanely jealous about nothing and everything. Accuse your partner of flirting with the person on the drive through speaker, cheating on you with a member of your family, or spending too much time sleeping when they should be awake adoring you. Anything irrational or nonsensical works fine- be creative.
All of these ways are the beginning of a beautifully ruined relationship. Employ one or more of these tactics with your partner and see how long it takes until you’re back on the singles’ team. Use these building blocks and expand on them, be creative, be unreasonable, be ridiculously unbearable in as many ways as possible and you’ll be the happy owner of a brand new breakup!
