At any time in your life have you ever been angry? If so, when this happened, did you ever notice that if the people around you reacted to you in a mean way, your anger just grew & fueled and you fumed & became even more angry? But, have you ever been around a person who responded to you in a gentle, quiet manner, validating your feelings and making you feel as though they truly cared about you and how to make you smile again? When this happened, what did it do to your anger?
A scripture from a book called Proverbs, in the Bible reads:
A quiet word turns away anger.
These are very powerful words that ring true not only in our lives as adults, but also in our parenting. When a child becomes angry, if we respond with angry words, we most likely will escalate that anger creating quite a scene. There are certainly moments in parenting when a quick, direct firm response is needed. But, anger is never necessary in disciplining children.
Sometimes when a child is angry and acting out, they are really wanting to know if anyone cares about them. They sometimes feel at a loss as to how to handle a particular situation. These situations can seem mild to an adult, but they are earth-shattering to a child. For instance, a 2 year old who is struggling to dress his or herself may become frustrated and angry that their shirt is not going on just so. They may even start screaming, throw his or herself on the ground, throw the shirt across the floor & become unreasonable simply because they are frustrated at the fact that they are having difficulty dressing themselves. At this point, if a parent responds to the child’s anger with an angry tone or response, the child will most likely escalate & become entirely unruly. If a parent, however, responds by perhaps scooping the child up in their arms, hugging them until the child calms down and then offers help in dressing the child, most likely you’ll get a happy result.
Another scenario may include an overly tired child. Perhaps, your 7 year old has had to wake up early for several days to attend a summer camp or such. This 7 year old typically requires a great deal of sleep, and is dragging by day 3 of the camp. The child comes home and begins starting fights with their siblings and then bursting into tears saying things like, "nobody ever listens to me!" At this point, as a parent, you might become frustrated yourself not understanding this outburst. If you respond to this child with returning screams of anger, chances are that the situation will escalate into much more anger & spiral downward into irrational behavior out of not only the 7 year old, but the adult parent as well. If, however, the parent were to stop and wrap their arms around the child at the start of the behavior and continue holding the child until they calm down & can discuss the situation, you may be surprised at the happy results.
In the heat of anger, stopping & hugging the person may seem completely contrary to how you feel like responding. But, in the case of children, it is surprising how often a hug can go a long way. It shows the child that they are loved and cared for & that they matter. It also helps the child calm down so their behavior can be adjusted without the use of angry words and actions.
This is also a difficult concept because it takes time, thought & energy. Quite often these angry outbursts occur during the most inconvenient time for a parent to stop & take thoughtful action. It is so much easier on the part of the parent to just shout out "stop it!" or other such words. But, the rewards that can come from stopping what you are doing & wrapping your arms around your child are immeasurable.
