Having been a married man for over half my life, and virtually all of my sexually active years, I’ve picked up a trick or two that has kept me from being one. What I love about being married is that I have complete freedom to have sex ANY time –she wants to. Now to me, “Let’s make love” is very much like “Let us pray” that is, the response to the suggestion, or what I like to call “a brilliant idea” is never “Nah, maybe in the morning.” But, for those times when you happen to be in the mood but Wifey isn’t, I have a foolproof line that’s guaranteed to get the bed squeaking in no time.
Use this line sparingly. Overuse will nullify the powerful persuasive effect. I speak from experience. I ruined my own innovation by making this mistake. I invented it. I invoked this magical phrase one time too many. I killed it. Now, so it doesn’t go to waste, for the good of my fellow man, I’ll share this one deep insight into the realm of the female psyche with those younger husbands who may be just coming to the end of the honeymoon and finding that now a little action requires a little effort, but not yet at the phase where foreplay has evolved into twenty minutes of begging.
Hone your acting skills. Practice a few times in front of the mirror. You need to be able to not only deliver this line with a straight face, but also without so much as a hint of insincerity in the tone of your voice. The slightest smirk or twinkle of the eye will stop its effectiveness dead in its tracks. Conceal any guilt you may feel about being manipulative. Rationalize it away by telling yourself the same thing those women do, being so much more emotionally advanced than we are and therefore capable of constant effective manipulation: “It’s for their own good”
Enough build up. I think you’re ready. Here is the line:
“I’m not even horny, really. I just feel like being close to you”
This isn’t a complete lie. It’s actually just half lie and half personification. The lie is the first sentence. I think I can speak for most guys and accurately claim that from the day we learn how to tell time we are in fact horny whenever the big hand is on any number between one and twelve. The second sentence is a far fetched impossibility. Am I saying that men are not quite as human as woman? Are woman such a higher creation that God bestowed attributes upon them that men do not possess? Can only a female say something like this and mean it? Yes, yes and yes.
The beauty is that women, especially younger ones, don’t yet realize their own romantic superiority over their men. They are still completely unaware of a male’s emotional incapability. So to their pretty little naive ears, “I just feel like being close to you” sounds no more ridiculous than “Really, your ankles just feel like being close to your earlobes…”
Poor girls, stupid boys, stuck with each other and stuck with unequal emotional range. But they should cut us some slack because after all, what could possibly feel better than being so intensely desired?
