The revolutionary Thomas Paine wrote in his most famous pamphlet, “In the following pages I offer nothing more than simple facts, plain arguments, and common sense”.
I hope to do the same. Yes, these are the times that try parent’s souls. But with a little common sense, we can not only survive but overwhelmingly succeed in the task of child-rearing.
Let me be forthright. Parenting is not rocket science, yet it astounds me how many books, lectures, workshops, columns, manuals, articles, tv shows (such as “The Nanny”) are devoted to successful child rearing. Why is that? Why do some get it, and some seem to struggle with it? What’s that magic component that everyone is looking for?
I believe it is Common Sense.
Here’s the dilemma. Common sense is absolutely necessary in parenting, yet common sense is antithetical to convenience. And convenience rules our world these days. Look around you. Does anyone bake their own bread anymore? No, we run to the store to buy it. Is it better for us? No, it’s filled with preservatives and ingredients we often can’t pronounce. Is it less expensive then? No, it costs three times as much. Why in the world would we buy bread then?
Because it’s faster and more convenient.
Ah. Though I digress from parenting to bread I hoped to make an important point. That is, you can’t rush good, solid bread any more than you can rush good, solid parenting. Here’s where the common sense part kicks it, thank you for your patience.
This is our home: I am the mother. My husband is the father. The children are our responsibility and we love them. They do not run our home, we do. We devote ourselves to providing for their care, their food, clothing, and—according to our guidelines—entertainment. We do not owe them fancy electronics or expensive toys, we do not have to give in to their every demand (in fact, we do just the opposite); we do not have to put expensive clothing on them, nor are they entitled to indulge in their every whim. We do have to: guide them spiritually, instruct them intellectually, nourish them emotionally; provide them with responsibilities toward care of the home, teach them to cook, clean and follow instructions so that they can live in this world independently, to care for what they have for they may have it awhile, to be respectful to others in authority such as ourselves and members at school, and to treat all living beings with kindness and respect even in disagreement.
Now, for those few who may think we are tyrants, I assure you we are not. Our children are very happy, healthy, and well-rounded. We raise our children but don’t indulge our children, we provide for our children but not in excess, we teach our children to be frugal and honest, we love our children but don’t smother them. We encourage our children without pestering, and we inject humor into life as much as possible.
This is our life. Common sense rules—not money, not fear, not guilt, nor things, and certainly not our children. Just plain ol’ common sense.
I want to share a story with you. One day when my eldest son was about two I took him to the store to pick up a few things. The minute we got there he saw a toy he wanted and shrieked and reached for it. I looked him in the eye and firmly said, “No”. My son then proceeded to have what many of you know to be “a tantrum”. He wildly threw his head to the left one way, almost to the edge of the cart, then wildly to the other, and bordered on a full-blown exorcist head spin. I firmly (through somewhat gritted teeth, as everyone in the store was now focused on us) said, “IF you continue this, I will take you home and upstairs and you will go to bed early without dessert”. He knew what dessert was, of course. Well, did he stop, you wonder. The answer is not at all. He screamed “wan it wan it!!” and so right away I did the most inconvenient thing which was exactly what I said I was going to do. I turned the cart around, put him in his car seat, took him home, brought him upstairs, and that night he went without dessert.
Now some of you might think, that’s crazy. First of all, you needed things at the store, right? Yes, that’s right I did, so my husband had to pick them up for me on the way home from work. Then, you think, you had to go through all that trouble of bringing your son home and disciplining him? Way too much trouble, you might offer, I don’t have time for that.
Of course, the other option would have been to give him the item he was screaming for, and buy a few moments of peace and get my items at the store while placating my son.
Ok. Here’s where common sense kicks in. What about next time? By giving in to the child, he has set the rules, not me–the parent who is supposed to set the rules. And, by giving in I have taught him to shriek ever louder every time he wants something. I have to give in every time now, because if I don’t he will learn that I’m inconsistent. And teaching him right from wrong will be that much more difficult. Now, I’ve really made life miserable for myself, and set a pattern that may last through his tween years and into his teen years, and I will never get his respect then.
I assure you that first moment in the store was not easy. Common sense parenting isn’t always easy or fun or necessarily convenient. Sometimes we have to take an inconvenient, firm stance to teach our children right and to make life more convenient for ourselves later on–this is what I call a Parental Dividend. The investment pays off over the years; one moment of inconvenience leads to many more moments of convenience, instead of the other way around. Let’s move forward to “the next time at the store”.
The next time I took my son to the store, I put him in the cart the same as the first time. We entered the store and I waited for him to scream for a toy. I was prepared for it, and just as prepared to take him home again. Well, let me tell you, he did ask for a toy. I looked him firmly in the eye and said, “No”. What do you think he did?
Nothing. I was surprised, for I had expected to follow through with another round, but he remembered the last time I did what I said I was going to do. He remembered, at two years old. We calmly went through the store and I got everything I needed while he longingly looked at toys but didn’t reach for any. We checked out and went home, and he got a wonderful dessert for dinner. I told him what a great job he did at the store and that I was proud of him. Years later, even after my second son was born and I did the same with him, both of my children often heard “No” when they asked me for something. And they never whined, or yelled, or had tantrums (after that first one) because they knew that I meant business and that I wasn’t going to be manipulated; that I was willing to go through great lengths, even be inconvenienced, to teach them right from wrong.
Of course, every once in a while I would slip in a little treat and give it to them when we got home. And, every once in a while I said “Yes” which left them standing there with their mouths open, unsure if their ears worked. It’s okay, even good, to surprise your children once in a while. That’s why they call it a treat…it doesn’t happen every day.
But the point is, they never demanded or expected anything. They learned that treats were gifts, not entitlements.
Common sense isn’t always convenient. But in the end it will provide the tools for good, solid, sensible parenting…which usually leads to good, solid, sensible kids.
