Everybody loves weddings. The romance, the beauty, the bringing-it-all-together. Who wouldn’t want to pitch in and help? As soon as you announce your engagement, excited friends and relatives will enthusiastically offer everything from baking your cake to loaning you their dress. And they mean it. Really.
But, how can I fail thee? Let me count the ways (as Dave Barry would say, “I am not making this up!”):
There’s the uncle who pledged to help “with anything and everything,” but when he found out he wasn’t “in charge” of the kitchen, he left the venue for 4 hours “to wash his car” and returned too drunk to do anything . . .
The bridesmaids (at almost every wedding) who say, “count me in!” but when the day arrives, stick together in a giggling, chattering gaggle around the bride. . . or who WERE willing to help until they found out it meant steaming wrinkles out of tablecloths instead of passing out corsages or programs . . .
A relative of the groom, who wanted so badly to be “included”–until her family flew in from out-of-town and her offer to come early to help flew out the window . . .
The alcoholic groomsman who arrived hours too early, hid his bottle in the back of the fridge and sat on a stool in the kitchen in everyone’s way, growing mysteriously surlier as the day progressed when he should have been helping set up tables and chairs . . .
These are all TRUE wedding tidbits. That’s right. It’s YOUR day–also meaning, sadly, that it isn’t anyone else’s big day. Nobody else is really as concerned as you are about how all the little details that you agonized over to make it just right, are going to get done. Everyone assumes that so many people have offered to help that nobody will miss them if they just–play. The ‘Somebody Else Will Do It’ Syndrome: an epidemic at every wedding. The horror stories go on and on.
If you’re on a budget and putting a wedding together yourself, one of the most important things you need to consider is the number of hands you’ll have on deck to help out on The Big Day. But before you say, “my friends would NEVER do that to me,” remember that the above examples are all true tales. Those brides all thought the same thing. Ask yourself if, on your wedding day, you really want to have to say, “Jennifer, I know that napkin origami is your specialty, but right now we need help chopping lettuce.” Not only will you be branded a Bridezilla, but what if Jennifer is insulted that you don’t appreciate her “specialty” and huffs off, leaving you with one less pair of hands? That still doesn’t get the lettuce chopped. What will you do when you realize that your well-meaning friends only wanted to help with the FUN stuff, or insist on their own interpretation of setting things up rather than going with the previously-conceived plan, so that their work has to be redone? (Who has time to re-do anything with so much else to be done?)
Are you willing to put yourself in the position of having to get tough with your friends and relatives on your wedding day (or, if perhaps you’re the mother of the bride, then on your daughter’s wedding day?) And even if you do, will they take you seriously? And is it worth ruining the occasion for somebody? And yet, helper flake-out is the expressway to unraveling the entire plan.
First off, a reality check for YOU: your bridesmaids are your closest friends. Even though this is “your day,” they too have to get their hair done, make sure their own outfits are pressed and ready to go, and still be available to run home to get the earrings you forgot or run out for a bag of burgers because nobody ate lunch–plus, this is a major girlfriend-bonding time; they want to hang around with YOU on this day. Also, for this occasion you’re already having to coordinate a lot of ladies, bridesmaids among them, with their appointments at different times for hair and manicures, etc., into a schedule enabling them to be dressed and ready for the photographer at specific times.
You shouldn’t have to choose between having your tables set and getting group photos. Realistically, your gals simply can’t be both bridesmaids AND help behind the scene. (Don’t get me wrong–they can help for months in advance, addressing invitations, giving showers, making favors, cooking and freezing food, making flower arrangements. But they can’t really pull the workload on THE BIG DAY.)
The answer: HIRE SOME HELP! Wait, I saw your wallet recoil in terror. HIRE help? But this is a budget wedding! The whole point is to avoid paying for someone else’s labor! Remember this: your wedding won’t be much of a bargain if it gets de-railed because of a lack of “staff.” You know who the dedicated “core” workers are: your mom, with perhaps an aunt or two, who are pulling all the strings to produce The Big Picture, including management of the food. They have spent months doing everything with their own hands. But today their few loving and dedicated hands are simply not enough. You need to bite the bullet and plan ahead to “buy” some inexpensive help. Let’s see, how many hired hands will you need?
For starters, you need to think: who among your “core team” wants to miss your ceremony? Answer: Nobody! And that would be an unfair sacrifice to ask of those who love you enough to have done so much work already–and will probably be back on duty as soon as the ceremony is over. But ceremony-time is exactly when the food needs to be pulled from the oven, garnished and laid out on the banquet/buffet table. So the very first person you need to hire is someone with enough experience that they see at a glance how to step smoothly into your core team’s shoes and make that happen, someone to run your kitchen at the most critical time. And they will need a minimum of one helper.
Your “core team” should have the appropriate chafing dishes, platters, etc., already set out on the banquet table with a slip of paper on each stating what dish is to go on it or in it, as part of the banquet table set-up, so that there’s no guesswork for the hired kitchen helpers when they step in; and the hot food should already be in the oven heating up or keeping warm.
The appropriate front-line kitchen person for this labor-intensive, hot, steamy, stressful task is someone who has catering experience, will know about heating, serving and garnishing dishes, and should arrive about 1 hour before the ceremony to step in and take over–leaving enough time for your mom to get dressed and photos taken in time to be seated for the ceremony. (Note to your photographer that your family group shots that include Mom will need to be scheduled shortly before the ceremony.)
IMPORTANT: CHECK REFERENCES for this kitchen/catering person!!! (Avoid the catering woman–from ‘Craigslist’–who sounded so pleasant and competent rattling off a list of impressive events –all lies–that she’d worked, as though she was qualified to move to the White House kitchen next–who confessed upon arrival to our core team–who she thought were just other “hired hands”–that she was scared to death because she had never done anything like this in her life–and our entire food service hinged on this person! Two family members had to miss the ceremony to keep the show on the road.) An experienced catering person will cost $100-$200 for the evening, and they will need one dedicated kitchen helper ($15/hour) whom they can direct. You will find numerous small catering companies advertising on Craigslist or elsewhere–they may be willing to provide just this kitchen service–and other ideas for where to find help are listed toward the end of this article. Request that they wear tidy, comfortable attire (they won’t be mingling) and provide them with plain white aprons. After the dinner traffic has died down, the catering person and helper will subtly clear away the banquet table, pack up leftover food into the coolers it arrived in, wash up your pans and utensils and pack them with any seasonings, etc., that you brought along into your large “kitchen” box; and very carefully pack up the serving pieces that you’ve used for food service (be sure they have the boxes & bubble-wrap to do so), leaving the table with just the centerpiece and candles remaining (have them fan out a few folded napkins, either paper or cloth, over any major spill); they should end with all food, food prep and food service goods packed into coolers and boxes and ready to load into a truck; and the venue’s kitchen area tidy and wiped-down.
The kitchen “lead” and helper should arrive about an hour before the ceremony to be sure the food is heated hot (some venues have old, donated ovens that don’t heat up to temperature, and
at serving time the food may need a microwave blast–since the microwave provided by the venue is usually the size of a toaster, it’s a good idea to bring along a bigger one from home.)
They will need to get water heated to boiling the for chafing dishes, set out chilled or room-temperature foods, then transfer hot foods into the chafing dishes (in the kitchen and carried back out to the table, to avoid huge spills) and efficiently lay out last-minute, attractively-garnished platters of any non-stackable hot food, such as portion-cut fish or chicken breasts with a sauce or topping that gives each piece the finished look of haute cuisine. Never ruin the presentation of your food because of haste in serving; the appearance/presentation is as important as the food itself; it’s not the school cafeteria. Be sure your core team has tiny clumps of grapes, olives, thin slice of orange or lemon; kale, parsley, tiny grape tomatoes, fancy lettuce, etc., already prepared for the servers to grab to be able to garnish quickly.
A licensed bartender. First of all, they need to be personable. A taciturn bartender is a real wet blanket. Ask right up front for a copy of their license and references, and don’t wienie out: CHECK those references to avoid the licensed bartender we experienced who arrived late without so much as a corkscrew or shot glass measure, but did bring a thuggy, frightening-looking boyfriend who hovered around the bar and received most of her attention throughout the event, didn’t set up the bar when guests began to arrive, failed to fill the dining-table water glasses during the ceremony or uncork the wine bottles on each table, put a giant tip jar on the bar in spite of agreeing that she would receive a gratuity instead of tips–and, finally, threw away the lids of all the open liquor bottles. Again, a true story.
Requested attire: white blouse or shirt, dark slacks or Dockers-style pants. Provide with a plain white apron if they want one. HE/SHE MUST AGREE THAT THERE WILL BE NO TIPPING, AND NO TIP JAR–tacky! Their fee will run $150-$200, and they will receive a gratuity when paid at the end of the event, 15% if they did a minimal job and up to $50 if they were a delightful asset to the event. (NOTE: Mother or father of bride (or maid of honor), be prepared to spend 15 minutes writing checks to service people right after the couple departs; the kitchen help may leave sooner, but will naturally check with you first, and will need their checks at that time. The check-writer will need a list of all hired helpers’ names–a small calculator would also be helpful.)
The bartender will be expected to set up their own bar area (beer on ice, cut lemons & limes, etc.). It’s wise to bring a corkscrew and shot glass measure from home in case they don’t bring their own (be sure to get them back). They’ll need clean, attractive (not necessarily expensive) ice tubs–these can be rented from rental companies, or actually, can even be brand-new plastic garbage cans lined with white garbage bags (or you can get special wedding-printed garbage bags from Oriental Trading Co.), behind the bar–one for chilling beer and bottled water, and one for just plain, clean ice. About 20 bags of ice, stacked out of sight on a couple of spread-out garbage bags to protect the floor, or kept in coolers under the bar table, camouflaged by its cloth (or outside a back door if it’s very cold)–any extra ice can go to the kitchen to chill packed-up, leftover dinner food. (The Best Man–or someone else you can count on–should be identified to the bartender as the go-to person in the event of running short on ice or plastic glasses; and that person should know where to go in a pinch to obtain both, and should check in with the bartender periodically to ask if anything is needed, since the bartender can’t leave the bar to go hunt him down.) The bartender also will need an ice scoop, small cutting board, lemons & limes & a paring knife, serving bowls for the lemons and limes, (avoid olives, as you want to encourage mixed drinks rather than straight-alcohol drinks, to avoid “overserved” guests) a couple of spoons for stirring; a couple of rolls of paper towels, a supply of wine glasses and a few champagne flutes (since these will usually be placed on tables, only a few need be on hand at the bar for requests), several hundred plastic beverage glasses (people will lose them, crack them, or expect a fresh one–allow 3 per guest. You might place an unobtrusive sign on the bar stating “No tips, please” AND “To manage the environmental impact of our Day, please re-use your drink glass, don’t throw it away.” You may want to provide a package of larger, clear plastic glasses for those wishing to have soft drinks only, so that they don’t have to keep asking for refills (pour soft drinks from 2-liter bottles; guests running around with cans is déclassé.). A bowl of mixed nuts and a pile of cocktail napkins (printed with couples’ names?) make nice finishing touches to the bar.
The bartender should be informed that he/she will need to get 2 service helpers started, first working together to put ice, then water in the water goblets on the dining tables with emphasis on neatness rather than speed, and then lighting all the candles on the tables, banquet table, in and around fireplace, etc. The bartender can be given the water pitchers, dishpan and ice scoop for these helpers, and a pair of aim’n’flames for the candles. Beyond getting them started in this way, the bartender is not responsible for these helpers. If bottles of wine are going on the dining tables, the bartender should open them–if not, several bottles should be opened during the ceremony so they are ready to be poured afterward. (NOTE: there is the occasional venue that requires the bartender to actually dispense each drink, in which case the wine glasses will be kept at the bar, with a dozen red and a dozen white pre-poured for pickup instead of put on the tables, and an announcement will be made that wine is available at the bar. Also, in this case, the champagne flutes must be kept at the bar and filled as toasting time approaches; then the helpers can carefully distribute them from trays (bartender should help with this so it doesn’t take too much time)–this will require 3 large sturdy trays.)
These two general-service helpers mentioned above (not to be gender-biased, but preferably young men since they need to be strong enough to carry a well-loaded bussing tub (rent these at any rental company, very inexpensively)–as these are very heavy–while clearing dining tables). They will arrive about half an hour before the ceremony, in a white or light-colored dress shirt and slacks or Dockers-type pants, and initially report to the bartender, who will have them begin filling the water goblets (they may need to be shown which IS the water goblet) with ice and water. They’ll need a clean (preferably new) dishpan and scoop for ice, and a couple of pitchers, and can work each table in tandem, one for ice (picking up any that misses the glass) and one to pour water–carefully, NO SPILLS. Afterwards, the bartender can supply them each with an aim’n’flame to light all candles–tea lights or votives in centerpieces and/or scattered around the dining tables, candles on banquet table, fireplace mantel, in the fireplace, etc. These helpers can help pour wine at the tables, refill water glasses, and pour champagne (bartender may be asked to help here so it goes faster) at toasting time. Beyond that, these helpers should be prepared to mop up spills with paper towels, point out restrooms to the guests; and when the crowd shifts to the cake area to watch the cutting of the cake, snatch up bussing tubs and quietly begin to clear away silverware and dinner plates from the tables, leaving glassware on the table. The plates and flatware will go into the kitchen for rinsing in the sink and repacking in their rental crates. If there is simply no space for this or it gets in the way of the kitchen people packing and cleaning up, the dishes/flatware can go into the crates dirty, and the family can rinse them at home the next day. In this case, crate them up and get them out of the way–preferably into a waiting truck.
So–there it is in a nutshell. Yes, it IS an additional expense, and you’re still not completely convinced that your friends and family won’t get the job done. Your next hurdle is–where do I find these helpers?
Many venues have a list of people available to help–almost certainly not in the kitchen (they expect you’ll be having a caterer), but with everything else, including the bartender. If this is the case, and their price-per-hour is in the $15 range (a gratuity is also expected), this is by far the best-case scenario–the venue manager knows the people can be counted on, and the people are familiar with the venue and their jobs once assigned.
If you belong to a church (but are not being married there), the church likely has a list of helpers
among their congregation and who have handled food service at their church many times, that would be willing to work, either as paid help or in exchange for a donation to the church. Even if you aren’t a member, perhaps there is a large church near your venue which may have a similar arrangement. Or a smaller, local charity organization–they have volunteers who work many different types of events, so likely know who among their roster is experienced and reliable, and, again, might work in return for a donation.
Failing these options, there IS always Craigslist. I’m a huge fan of Craigslist, where you can often find very small catering companies offering their services. Once they understand that they
can’t talk you out of preparing your own food, they might agree to come up with an agreeable price to serve it, and may have both the main kitchen person AND the kitchen helper that you need–perhaps even the bartender.
There are other people offering their services on Craiglist, and if you take care not to take them at face value, but to request references and the references check out well, odds are good of getting capable help. Do check with them at one-month beforehand to be sure they’re still on board, and again during the week preceding the wedding.
Another source is word of mouth and friends-of-friends: someone that SOMEBODY you know may work in a restaurant, with either cooking, serving or bussing experience and may be interested in earning a bit of extra cash. But do MEET with them at least briefly, to make sure they don’t have blue hair or more facial piercings than fingers, and to assess whether you think they’re conscientious enough to do a good job, or to schedule the job and show up. Again, check with them at one month out and again during your wedding week to be certain they remember and plan to show up.
And remember, all of the above is just for food service and cleanup: you’re still going to need (in addition to your core team) aunts, cousins or friends to press tablecloths, set tables and help as needed to set up décor; prepare the coffee/tea service area; perhaps to get your music and microphone systems hooked up; any special features like a display of childhood photos or a Candy Buffet, etc.
The best plan is to make a list (or spreadsheet) of all the jobs you can imagine will need doing (right down to setting up the guest-book table or somebody to go out and pick up that bag of burgers at lunchtime) and “pencil” people in when they volunteer to help. Include both paid and unpaid helper needs. The list can then be copied or printed out in multiples as The Day approaches, and highlighted to hand to each volunteer or hired worker so they know exactly what they’re needed to do. Give a copy of the whole list to core team helpers so they know who to direct where.
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