It is tough enough when our parents go through a divorce, then mom meets someone else and she gets married . . . again. Of course, mom has the right and deserves to do what makes her happy, but it is still a huge adjustment for all concerned. Indeed it is harder for the children involved to accept a new man with their mom and treat him as “dad”.
The question is how this new male in the home is going to accept these children, especially a girl, as his own, considering they are not biologically his. Admittedly these situations can happen with stepmoms or stepdads, girls or boys, though I am addressing a particular request. Being that I have personal experience, and can only hope that it is not such a common scenario, I would like to share my perspective on living with a Stepfather.
When it comes to blended families, it takes a lot of work from both adults involved. I honestly believe that the “stepparent” has to be of the psychological mindset from day one about those children and a strong bond needs to be formed in the new family unit.
It is so sad and unfortunate but we witness, through the news daily, the effects of broken and/or blended families, the abuse that those children endure, sometimes to the point of losing a young life. I, on the other hand, am here to tell my story but the abuse to both my mom and me was very real, as well as the sexual abuse. My stepfather was an alcoholic which is when he “felt more like a man” to abuse us. My sister says that she was not physically or sexually abused by him, though abuse through alcoholism is always present.
Most women, when they remarry, are blinded by their emotions and fail to see any signs of the actual relationships within the family. She wants to believe that her “new man” is going to take on the immediate role of doting dad just because they said “I do”. How often do we hear horror stories within families where a woman puts all her trusts in just such a boyfriend which turns to tragedy! Biological parents need to look beyond their emotions of love when children are involved.
I am not saying that all situations are the same when bringing children into a blended family and stepparent-type of situation but I can’t imagine that a mom would not be a little more cautious when she has children. There is never ever any good reason to enter a relationship that is abusive, to you, your children, and any part of the family unit. If you feel you have found love a second time around and want to give it a shot, there are too many resources out there these days to help this new connection work for the best of all those involved. If your new “partner” is not in agreement, that is when the flairs should go up. If he really loves you, he would most definitely be on the same page with you. It is my opinion there should be support and/or parenting classes required for this dynamic change in a family unit.
It does make it difficult for children, because a stranger coming into their lives could never replace their real moms and/or dads. A mutual respect has to be formed and built in order for a harmonious relationship to build. It is course much easier when the children are very young and statistics show that there is very little abuse in a family when the stepparent has been there through the diaper changing and potty training years. As kids get older, they have a mindset against these changes in their life and sometimes outside help is necessary for peace of mind and working through a lot of issues that result from all the changes.
If you are going through changes in your life (with your children), please be sure you know all there is to know about the person you are bringing into your family. Most often any type of abuse stems from a past. It is unfortunate that you are not going to every know all there is to know about that new person you choose to love but please don’t be blind to anything heard, seen or felt, out of the ordinary. We are here to love, protect and provide a safe haven for our children and I am sure a parent would never willingly put them in harms’ way.
My mom passed away while I was a very young girl, long before my stepdad, and I never got to talk to her about anything and I could only hope she was not aware of what was really going on. Women back then felt they could not get out of bad situations, or that they could not survive on their own. So they settle for a life of abuse, just to feel “safe” and not alone. That is never an answer or a reason to subject yourself and those poor innocent children to a bad lifestyle.
There are many stepparents who do want to be that positive role model to you and your children, to be the provider, take on a loving parent role and so forth and I surely do give them so much credit. If you are getting into a new relationship, keep your senses and your eyes wide open beyond the emotions of love, to be sure you are presenting a good life and family for your children. It is always but always better to be safe than sorry.
