Dear daughter of divorce with abandonment issues-where do you look for fulfillment? Your question is very related to another–"Is there life after divorce?"–and I wonder if you will get to the married part. Everyone carries their own emotional baggage into a new relationship, and I must wholeheartedly agree with Maria when she says that fear is an underlying problem for you and others with abandonment issues. However, I believe that you can overcome abandonment issues and learn to love. I also believe that experiencing agape love is an important step to healing, but have you ever tried to look inside of yourself to find happiness instead of to men or others in your life?
First, abandonment issues are usually formed in childhood from traumatic events of which you were not in control. Are you scared to allow yourself to fall in love because of the divorce that your parents or someone else has experienced?
I was adopted by my maternal grandparents before I was three years old; and so my parents were grandparent age, as well as deeply entrenched in a dysfunctional marriage. My own abandonment issues arise from my earliest childhood years. It is totally normal to develop a fear of relationships-especially if you or someone else fed you a lot of their own insecurities when you were a child. Fear of being abandoned causes a lot of people to hang on tighter in their relationships–or some of us go to the other extreme an never let anyone in close enough to hurt us. If your abandonment and trust issues are very deep-seated, you most likely do the "come here, go away" routine, no matter how good your current relationship–you gave no indication that it was unhealthy except for your unhappiness. A ten year gap does not mean that you cannot have a fulfilling relationship; however, you state that you are tired of the dating "game." Nothing about dating and finding true love is a game, and all too often, we try to look outside of ourselves for the elusive happiness. Life is not a fairy-tale, there is no perfect prince charming and each one of us is responsible for our own happiness levels as adults.
In my case, I needed to seek professional help to overcome my trust and abandonment issues. I needed the reinforcement of support groups and group therapy to come to an understanding of my emotional baggage. I was in my 30’s and going through my own divorce before I finally came to the understanding that I have a right to be respected and loved. Also that as a fully loved human being (by a loving creator/god/higher power) I have the right to be happy.
Very often, people who struggle with these issues are called "co-dependency". To find out if this apply to you, go to http://www.codependents.org. This is the website of a twelve step program clled CoDa, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to have healthy relationships. There are many other resources both on and off the internet to help us improve ourselves and our relationships. One book that I found invaluable was Lost in the Shuffle by Robert Subby. I would encourage anyone with troubles in their relationships to read it! The book can be purchased for under $10 at http://www.amazon.com/Lost-Shuffle-Co-Dependent-Robert-Subby/dp/0932194451/ref=sr_1_1/178-6559963-5485225?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1249819761&sr=1-1. However, I’m quite sure that you could also find this resource at your local library.
In conclusion, I would encourage anyone with abandonment issues/relationship issues to begin to realize that you are most worthy of love, and that you can learn to love others. Love is, after all, a choice! Good luck!
