We are hearing more in the media about domestic violence (also called intimate partner violence or domestic abuse). Because of my job at a nonprofit that works with victims people will ask me how someone can suddenly "snap" and hurt someone else. The truth is that most of the time there were signs of an abusive personality for a long time before an abuser "lost it".
Domestic violence is a cycle. It starts with a happy honeymoon phase. Then stress builds in the relationship and ends when the abuser lashes out against a victim emotionally or physically. Next comes the honeymoon period and the cycle starts again.
Abusers show signs of an abusive personality when they try to exert control over someone else. An abuser might belittle someone, resort to name-calling or report a debit card as missing or stolen. An abuser might also fly into a rage at the perception of some slight offence that would not have bothered anyone else.
Stop Family Violence includes quick relationship involvement, jealousy and blaming others for problems as signs of an abusive personality.
The Vermont Network Against Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault says that there are four signs of an abusive personality that are especially telling. These include past battering, threats of violence, hitting or breaking items and any use of force in a relationship.
One of the signs of an abusive personality that is getting more attention these days is stalking. Few things will cause a victim more fear than being stalked. Abusers use fear as a way of controlling a victim. Stalking can happen before a relationship begins or after a person tries to end a relationship.
If someone you care about shows signs of being an abusive personality or in a relationship with someone who fits the description there is help available.
Deciding if you are being abused is tough. Sometimes a victim will have a suspicion that their partner shows signs of an abusive personality but they just aren’t sure. The National Domestic Violence Hotline has a simple list of questions on their website. These can help you decide if you are being abused. They can also help you if you have any questions. The hotline number and contact information is on the website. Click on the National Domestic Violence Hotline link above to learn more or call them at 1.800.799.SAFE.
If we are honest with ourselves, we can all probably admit that we’ve known people who could never accept responsibility or showed signs of jealous behavior. At one time or another we may have had some of these feelings ourselves. What sets us apart from abusers is that (hopefully) these behaviors aren’t part of a larger cycle. If the signs of an abusive personality do seem to be part of a cycle then it may be time to get help.
If you feel that you have signs of an abusive personality the National Domestic Violence Hotline can help you too. Contact them at the number above. Their article "Are You Abusing Others" is found online here.
