We’ve all been in relationships where the other person “just doesn’t get it.” Desperately we try to get our point across and become frustrated when we feel that we are not being heard. We can’t change what others hear or feel, but we can help them understand where we’re coming from.
Listen. We have two ears and only one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we talk. Avoid interrupting at all costs, even if what the other person is saying is offensive, off-topic or wrong. A good listener allows their partner to get out everything they need to say and shows understanding through facial expressions and one-sylable responses when they stop to take a breath (ok, yes, mhmm etc). Showing that you are listening will help gain trust and show that you are interested in a resolution.
Assume that you are wrong. Don’t immediately abandon your stance, but take a few moments to consider that you could be wrong. Truth is relative and when we allow the possiblity that the other person may be right we gain a whole understanding of the situation. This is slightly different than seeing the other side, it breaks down the wall of stubborn self-righteousness.
Do not lose your temper. If at any point you feel yourself losing your cool, your voice breaks or you can’t find the words to say it’s ok to take a break. The most common mistake in communication is when people feel the need to resolve issues in the heat of the moment. Close your eyes and focus on breathing, or take a walk around the block. You’ll come back refreshed, clear-headed and ready to communicate.
Use phrases that avoid fault. “You” and “feeling” statements take validity away from your point. Instead of saying “You leave hair in the shower” say “We should try to clean the shower drain out after every shower. That way we won’t have to worry about the drain getting clogged.” Make it a mutual goal without accusing your partner or saying that you have a problem with it.
Be open. If there is something that bothers you, don’t be afraid to bring it up, and don’t be afraid of a compromise. Allowing yourself to let go of the “all or nothing” mentality can be your greatest tool. A conflict doesn’t have to be either a fight or go unnoticed, and a solution doesn’t have to benefit only one person.
