Whether you’re planning a budget wedding or a full-blown extravaganza, there remains the matter of the ceremony itself: how to make it distinctively yours, and interesting for those who sit through it?
If you’re having a religious ceremony, you may have little input into the actual program of the ceremony itself, other than possibly some brief personal vows that you have each written yourselves.
However, if your Officiant is tolerant of other faiths and denominations, or certainly if you are using a non-denominational Officiant, there are some colorful rituals from different faiths, cultures, and periods of time that might be incorporated into your ceremony to make it more memorable. As the guests may not be familiar with them, it would be helpful if your Officiant would say a few words about the origin and meaning of the tradition.
Let’s start with one that won’t be big news to anybody: the Unity Candle. Of course, this needs no introduction: the Unity Candle ceremony symbolizes the joining of two families, with the bride and groom each lighting a taper representing their respective family, then merging the flames of the tapers to light a larger candle together, representing their new “family,” and blowing out the smaller tapers. Sometimes the mothers of the couple will come forward to light the tapers and hand them to the bride and groom. So if it’s so mundane, why even mention it? Because this predictable wedding component could use a more meaningful/ interesting twist!
First, some simple math. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to understand that this is not the joining of TWO families, but of FOUR: each of you comes from two parents, and each parent hails from their own family. And since there are so few ways for fathers to be included in the ceremony–why not have BOTH parents come forward, one to hold the taper, the other to light it, presenting it to their son/daughter together? Think how much nicer this is, for grandparents or other family members present, who would like to see their family acknowledged in some way. (Put your photographer on notice: this will be a key ceremony moment.) If a parent is deceased (or even divorced and not attending), perhaps there is an aunt or uncle from that family who could take their place. A lot of talk surrounding weddings includes “the tree of life” and the value of tradition and family ties; here is an opportunity to expand this mundane little ritual to actually illustrate it.
ALSO, does it bother anyone else that traditionally, the couple blows out the “family” tapers after lighting the larger candle–but would YOU “snuff out” your family to marry? Why is that symbolically okay? Why not leave the side tapers lit, allowing the Officiant to introduce the ceremony by saying that while the couple’s new emphasis (hence the bigger candle) is on their new status as a couple, their heritage and family ties continue to burn on as brightly as ever alongside? Obviously if there is unresolvable discord within either family that makes this impossible, this twist is not for you.
Everyone has probably seen enough movies in their lifetime to have encountered the Jewish wedding-ceremony tradition of the groom stepping on a wineglass. It creates a kind of exclamation mark at the end of the ceremony, marking the transition from “serious business” to “time to celebrate!” There are a variety of stories regarding the symbolism of this small bit of drama: the strictly-Jewish reminder of sorrow at the destruction of the Temple of Jerusalem; but also numerous other versions of this ritual that could work well in any ceremony: a reminder that in the midst of good fortune, one should temper one’s joy with caution against unexpected misfortune; the finality of the shattering of the glass into countless pieces signifies the break the bride and groom each make with the priorities of their past lives in favor of the new life they are creating together; the easily-shattered glass to serve as a reminder of the fragility of human happiness, the message being to treasure the happy, contented times; or finally, it may simply serve as the moment that the couple becomes husband and wife. If you are not Jewish, but would like to “borrow” this ancient and symbolic ritual to enrich your own ceremony, ask your Officiant to introduce it as a tradition borrowed from Jewish wedding ceremonies, and offer the version of its symbolism of your choice. If it is the last described above, the Officiant should mention that the breaking of the glass that signifies your becoming husband and wife–and then, once it’s been broken, introduce you to your guests as the new “Mr. and Mrs. _________.” Again, as with this or any “Kodak moment” you are building into your ceremony, put your photographer on notice as to what to look for and when it will happen.
Before Christianity had fully taken root throughout Europe, Russia and Scandinavia, there was already an established “set” of traditions, based on the seasons of the year and for marking important milestones in life, such as marriage. Depending on the location and time in history, these traditions were likely to have been part of local pagan religions at one time. With the spread of Christianity, many of the “old” customs were incorporated into the Christian calendar and worked into its rites as reassurance for the converted populace that familiar, comforting rituals were not being taken away. One of these is “handfasting.” (While there are varying stories of “handfasting” being a betrothal ceremony or even a “trial marriage” ceremony, I am referring here only to the symbolic detail that gives it its name: the ceremonial joining or “fastening” of the couple’s hands as part of a marriage ceremony.) In early times, in Scotland particularly, “handfasting” came to be synonymous with the term “wedding,” long after Christianity had come to stay. Christians adopted it into their marriage ceremony by lightly draping the couple’s wrists with a sacramental cloth while the priest gave a blessing. If ancient rituals appeal, this can be a quaint detail of your ceremony, done with velvet cording, golden ribbon, or a multi-stranded beaded cord. If you are having essentially a civil (non-religious) ceremony, this type of ritual (and the ones above) can help to give it a less dry, more traditional flavor, and possibly smooth any ruffled feathers in the family regarding your not being married in the family church. Some bold couples embrace the antiquity of the term by actually using the word “handfasting” on their invitation in place of “wedding” or “marriage.”
Reception Enhancers
Russian wedding celebrations are often punctuated by a cry of “Gorka, gorka!” This is a variant of the Russian word for “bitter.” While it may seem an odd thing to shout at a wedding, its meaning is that the circumstances of life can be bitter, and it is love that makes it sweeter. So being prompted–or “warned”–that life can be bitter, upon hearing this cry, the newlyweds stop whatever they’re doing to turn to each other and kiss. A very sweet custom so long as it’s not overdone.
A bit of old-fashioned fluff combined with public recognition of the bride’s affection and appreciation for her bridesmaids can be had with a tradition from Victorian times that is enjoying a bit of a revival–that of hiding pretty silver charms (which later might be suitable for a pendant or charm bracelet), within the wedding cake. In Victorian times they were often baked right into the cake, with ribbons of different colors attached, that the baker had to take care to pull free of the batter while baking–and later, to work around while icing the cake. The charms that are widely available today have been modernized, and their meanings don’t require much guesswork: a tiny engagement ring suggests that this bridesmaid will soon become engaged; a ship or airplane predicts travel; a key might allude to a new home; a baby bootie for an expectant bridal attendant or new mother; a heart signifies “lucky in love”; and a wedding bell signifies the next to be married. The charms can be purchased in small sets containing several of these silverplated symbols, with perfectly respectable-looking charms available for relatively little expense–or if desired and budget permits, the charms can be more personally-selected and/or more intrinsically valuable such as those of jewelers’-quality in sterling silver. The tiered design of the majority of today’s wedding cakes makes it much easier to simply slip the charms beneath one of the cake’s tiers (usually the middle) when the cake is being assembled, with the ribbons extending out the back of the cake, attached to tiny labels bearing each attendant’s initials. Having your bridesmaids assemble to pull their tiny surprise out of the cake by its ribbon makes a brief, pretty ceremony, deserving of an introduction and explanation of its origin, either as a lead-up to the bride and groom’s cutting of the cake, or immediately thereafter, just prior to the couple’s champagne toast.
Have you ever envied the carefree joy you see in a circle dance to a happy tune, particularly as part of a wedding ceremony? These folkloric dances vary a bit depending on the region, and if you claim such a region as part of your heritage, you’ll already know what you’re doing and I need say no more. But if you’re looking to adopt this custom into your wedding, I would recommend (for simplicity’s sake) the Italian “Tarantella.” If you have an Italian acquaintance, they might be willing to introduce the dance with the story of its origin: it actually had nothing to do with weddings but was a superstitious “antidote” for a spider bite, in case it turned out to be poisonous. However, because of its happy music, it eventually became a general celebratory folkdance, almost always included at Italian weddings. The steps are simple, and as the tempo of the music increases, will give way to a kind of running skip–so nobody really needs any special skills. This is the type of dance in which everyone–old or young, can participate in, and is a very good ice-breaker for getting people off their chairs and onto the dance floor.
These ideas are only the tip of the iceberg. I haven’t even scratched the surface of many cultures. But look into your own heritage a little deeper, or research specific ethnic wedding traditions for interesting and meaningful rituals to incorporate into and enliven your own ceremony.
11.27.08
