Life after divorce can seem like a very scary thing when you’ve been married for 10 years or more. Even if you haven’t had the happiest marriage, jumping suddenly back into the world of the singleton can seem impossible.
First the thoughs come about of all the things you could do that you hadn’t done since you were previously single. Then thoughts come in about new possibilities… That cute guy or gal at work.. Staying out late with friends at a bar..
The scary thoughts start to creep in the from the back. "What will I do when I’m alone?". Even if you can’t stand to be in the same room with your soon to be ex, when they aren’t there, it will still feel like a void. Things in your place will seem different, whether you move or stay.
If you have children, things can be even more complicated when your divorce starts to happen. Regret, stress and frustration can take over the whole family while you and your beau get things figured out.
The important thing to remember while the crud is flying out from the fan, is that there is Life After Divorce and you just have to make it there to find it. All be it, you might be in a few emotional pieces, but all things heal with time.
To help you find the path to your new life, I listed to some tips that you might find useful:
*ITS OK TO STILL LOVE, AND NOT WANT TO BE WITH THEM
This is something I find commonly with both men and women’s emotions during a divorce. "If I love them.. Shouldn’t I stay with them?"
No! Sometimes marriages between two particular people just won’t work. Even if you love them and they love you, even if you have a great sex life, even if neither of you have ever cheated on each other. There are just some times when it doesn’t work, and even though we still love the person we can’t be with, it doesn’t mean we should stay with them.
Take solice that it is perfectly natural to still love your soon to be ex partner. You will probably still love them for a long time after the divorce, and it will take some time to get used to that. When you find someone else to be intimate with, its okay to love them and still love your ex. Just as long as you still understand the reasons that you left your ex in the first place.
Eventually, through time, the painful love for your ex that you still feel, will drift and turn into a fondness, and then fade. If you have children with them, you might hold onto a few good memories to keep you in a good mood when you need to exchange the kids, but don’t let your emotions get the best of you.
*SURROUND YOURSELF WITH SUPPORT
There is no rule in any book anywhere that says you have to go through this alone! You might want some space from the world, but the longer you take avoiding things, the longer it will take you to find your path. It may seem awkward at first, but your best bet is to surround yourself with happy people. Friends and family who can occupy your time with normal daily activities, and who can also be there for you when you need to talk.
There will be plenty of times you’ll want to vent, cry, yell or just get ripped in an attempt to let go of negative emotions. Your friends and family can offer you a hand in your time of need. Which is a much better option when oppossed to becoming depressed or getting into trouble.
*DONT BLAME
The last thing you want to do, is point fingers. I don’t care who did what to who, or who started it, or any other excuse. It doesn’t matter anymore. The whole reason you decided to get a divorce was to stop fighting and build a life centered around happier things.
If you believe that last statement, then there is no reason for it to be your fault or theirs. Not only that, but no matter who’s fault it is, or who filed the papers, its just childish to care about that technicality. The nicer you play with each other, the sooner you won’t have to worry about the blame.
*HOBBIES
Have you always wanted to take a baking class? An acting class? or go hunting?
Maybe you enjoy the finer things and have always wanted to join a country club or dinners club?
No matter what your passion is, get some hobbies going in your life. These will give you a time to do something else and get away from the rest of the world for a little while. Not only that, but they will open up the doors to knew possibilities and friendships down the road, and make your transition much easier.
*AVOID UNNECESSARY CONTACT
It may seem like a no brainer to some, and the hardest thing in the world to others. When you get a divorce, or are seperated pending a divorce, the last thing you want to do is maintain a relationship with your ex. The idea of a divorce is to finalize a break up in paper, and that should be the very last thing you ever have to do with them. With the exception of children.
Even if you have kids with them, refrain from talking on the phone with them, or emailing, texting or any other form of communication. If it involves something with the kids, try to keep it short. You don’t want to walk yourself into another arguement or talks about things that happened, or any other avenue going that direction.
Its better for you and for your ex, if the lines of aren’t skewed. The understanding that you two are not together anymore should be clear in both of your minds.
*DONT DWELL
It can take some time for the hurt and memories to subside a little so that you can get back to life, but it is important to remember to continue to grow towards the future and not the past.
If you spend all your time dwelling on your past relationship, it can take you over. Things that happened, things you could’ve changed, things they could’ve changed, the reasons you stay and then left. There are to many variables, and to much wasted time spent trying to think of them all.
Don’t beat up on yourself, no matter what role you play. Dwelling on the past will only keep you there, and if you really want to find Life After Divorce, you have to go looking for it!
