Planning a baby shower is traditionally steeped in family etiquette. The old rules dictate that the parents should not host their own shower since that would be viewed as tacky. Even family members were discouraged from hosting the shower for the same reason. Heaven forbid that parents might consider having a shower for a second or third baby. The general idea was that although a baby shower is a "gift-grubbing" affair, it should not appear to be precisely that. Therefore, a friend should be the host. That was a proverbial Miss Manners’ schtick rule that is no longer applicable, and is downright archaic in contemporary society.
Today, it is understood that a baby shower serves two primary purposes. First, it is an opportunity for the parents-to-be to share in their joy and happiness with friends and family - whether they are expecting their first or fourth…or even the thirteenth in their baker’s dozen. Second, it is a gift grub. Let’s face that honestly. Babies are expensive, and there are basic necessities that most new parents simply cannot afford without help. There are those who would argue that if people want to have children, then they should budget accordingly. I agree to a large degree, but as a parent, I also understand the reality of expenses involved. So why is this a question for discussion?
The question of what was and is appropriate etiquette-wise arose when I became pregnant with my third child. My two older children are from a previous marriage. Given that 11 years had passed since having a baby, I had forgotten about the strange traditions and rules of etiquette; I had also long since gotten rid of all of my older kids’ baby things. However, I was also in an unusual situation. When I remarried, I married a man who had not been married before and had no children. Further, the baby I was carrying would be his parents’ first biological grandchild. To make matters still more interesting, my husband and his family are European, so there were questions to which I could not find answers related to non-traditional showers. In reading what Miss Manners had to say about what is "acceptable" was extremely frustrating, and I almost gave up on the idea of having a baby shower at all. In the end, the experience was fantastic, though highly unusual and non-traditional. From this serendipitous situation came a list of suggestions to anyone planning a baby shower, traditional or otherwise.
Tip #1: Throw the etiquette book out the nearest window.
Yes, tradition is wonderful and can be happily observed if that is your wish. That said, archaic traditions are also restrictive. Given the societal and generational perspective shifts in the past 20 years alone, why should those traditions dictate who throws a baby shower and how? When social settings were more communal in nature with family units almost exclusively living within a 5-mile radius, the tradition made sense. Today, though, families do not necessarily live so close to each other. Families in the military identify with distance more than closeness, geographically. The job market causes many people to migrate from one side of the country to the other in order to find work. I feel strongly that Miss Manners needs to update this section of her suggestions to reflect contemporary families and social situations. Until that happens, throw that book #or at least that section# out the nearest window. You will save yourself a lot of frustration by doing so.
Tip #2: Platonic thought is the order of the day.
I know, I know - platonic thought was not high on the list of things that created the need for a baby shower in the first place. No, in this, the tip is a matter of thought, with the emphasis on the origin. In The Republic, Plato said: "necessity is the mother of invention." That was true in ancient times and it is true today. We may live in the Internet Age with copious amounts of information available, literally, at our fingertips - but we still have needs in the real world that require creativity to fill. Given that contemporary society is as spread out and removed from the previously noted communal tribe of yesteryear, new ways of filling those needs must be devised. Further, matters of finance #especially in the current economic climate# can dictate how much is spent on what some would probably call frivolous and unnecessary. When planning my own baby shower for my 3rd child, I wanted something creative and fun but did not want to spend hundreds of dollars on manufactured cards. Even with free printable options (and there are some terrific ones out there), my desire for something creative and different was not satisfied. The platonic thought that came to mind was to literally create my own invitations, complete with thank you cards, and birth announcements, all in the same theme. The diaper image above is one part of the outcome of that idea.
Tip #3: Use the Internet
Before you say, "No duh," what I mean by using the Internet goes beyond creative ideas and email. Use the Internet more thoroughly by considering an online baby shower. The same kind of software that makes online teleconferences possible is also available (in some cases, for free). There are not any tips I could find about hosting a virtual shower, so my husband and I played it by ear - and it was fantastic! The best part of hosting a virtual shower is that family, friends, and loved ones can attend, despite the various geographic and time zone differences. Having actually done this semi-blind by the seat of my pants, I have several tips for enhancing the experience if anyone is interested.
Tip #4: It IS a gift grub, so take advantage of registries.
Another moment of Ms. Points Out The Obvious, yes. Many of us, regardless of gender, are wary of seeming like we are grubbing. There is the understandable matter of pride involved - and there is something to be said for that. Planning a baby shower, though, is not the time to say it. At the risk of beating up a dead horse, the geographic spread of our contemporary society has fostered another interesting trend question: "Are you registered anywhere?" This question is asked for bridal showers, wedding gifts, baby showers, graduation gifts, and a few other assorted times when gifts are the order of the hour. Most stores with which you can register also have online capacity, and the price range is broad - from Babies"R"Us (Toys"R"Us) to Target to Walmart - among many others. Refer back to Tip #3. If you’re reading this, you have Internet access. Use it.
Tip #5: Be kind to yourself.
This is, perhaps, the most important tip of all. Planning a baby shower can be stressful, but it does not need to be. This is where I think Miss Manners’ suggestion of having friends help is useful, even though stress was not the reason. If you have friends who can (and who are willing to) help, by all means…LET them help. If you would rather handle it all DIY like I did, then take your time. The idea is to have fun, be creative, and celebrate. If you are getting stressed over it, then it is not going to be fun; creativity is stifled by stress; and the celebratory mood evaporates. Relax. Take the time to enjoy it. And most certainly do not stress over those persnickety etiquette rules that say you "can’t" do it yourself if you want to do so.
Enjoy!
