Have you suddenly found that you have reached yet another parenting milestone: becoming an embarrassment to your child? Welcome to Raising a Teenager 101. Adolescence is the developmental milestone that signals a whole new world of parenting, testing everyone’s limits and the parental question: which one of us will survive?!
It seems as if overnight your bouncing baby has taken the leap from family member to stranger in the house, choosing friends over family at nearly every turn.
If we take the time to think back to our own adolescence we may recall making similar choices. Taking a Sunday drive with mom and dad took a back seat, for example, to heading to the beach with our buddies or just hanging out somewhere. If we think about it, we can recall the boredom experienced at family functions or visiting Grandma vs. sitting for hours on end doing absolutely nothing with our best friend.
Adolescence is truly a time of transition. It is that awkward time in development when we are no longer a “child” and yet, we are not exactly an adult. Teens find themselves flip-flopping between still wanting to sit on mom’s lap and denying any relationship or ties to the group formery known as “family.”
Breathe. Your child is not abandoning the family or trying to disown you. Your child is doing exactly what you have prepared him/her to do: spread their wings and meet the world. In a very real sense your child is simply testing the waters. Much like those first steps of toddlerhood, when they would run into the next room only to sneak peaks at you from around the corner your child is learning to be independent.
This is a critical time in a child’s development. You will want to tread carefully and limit power struggles. Pick your battles. Determine what it acceptable for the amount of time your child spends with friends and keep the lines of communication open. Get to know the other teens your child is spending with. Remember you may not always approve of or like everyone, but if they are safe and basically good kids, you may want to accept the friendship. Setting limits that are too firm, may cause your child to shut down the lines of communication.
Have check-in times that are mandatory. If your child is changing locations, (ie going from John to Jim’s house), he should give you call. Finding the line between being overly permissive and too strict is tricky. It is more than ok to involve your child. This gives them both a sense of having some control, while recognizing that ultimately you still hold–literally–the keys!
Curfews are important. You can explain to your teen that the curfew is in place to instill a sense of responsibility. You can also add, if you are willing, that by demonstrating responsibility, you will be more trustful and perhaps more willing to be flexible when possible, such as on Prom Night or other special occasions. You may also let your child know that family commitments are part of responsibility. This may include completion of chores as well as the occasional trip to Grandma’s!
Overall, while it may seem that friends have become more important to your adolescent than the family, this is usually not the case. Children of all ages need roots and wings. The place they know to be safe and home, and the ability to fly.
