As we look around and see results of the recession in some lives of family and friends, we can see how expectations for a good life can meet with disappointments. What caused the recession?
"It’s a boom-bust world" says Harvard University economics and public policy professor Kenneth Rogoff . When asked what caused the worst recession to grip the globe in decades, Rogoff said history shows the pattern. Recessions follow booms After a huge boom, we had a deregulation of sub-prime mortgage market; allowing investment banks to leverage three times as much as they did in 2004 and incredible borrowing by the United States. It was borrowing two-thirds of the world’s net savings year after year.
Expectations for prosperity caused great disappointments. We can say these circumstances were beyond our control and yet, they cause disappointments. A big, major disappointment.
How about all those little disappointments we experience each day? If we depend on circumstances to gauge our happiness, we are in jeopardy because circumstances are constantly changing. And like the big ones, they are beyond our control. You might think you don’t do that. In a day’s time you may do it more than once.
There may be a great promotion coming up that you just know you are ready for; it’s your time in the department to move up, and you can ‘feel’ that you will get it — and you don’t. You ‘expected’ the school to close due to the weather, but it didn’t, and you now have 5 kids running around the house when you had other plans for that day. You ‘expected’ that A you worked for so hard in your writing class, and you got a C. And you expected your best article ever would win the "Buzz Up" for tomorrow, and it didn’t. We place these expectations on ourselves.
When you place your expectations on people, you will usually be disappointed. A good friend whom you thought would never betray you, may have told another of a secret you told him. Or your child may turn off into another path you had not envisioned for them. Or an illness in the family changed the dynamics of plans you had made. You may be having a divorce which separates the family into a lifestyle you never thought or expected would happen to you. Crushed expectations; big disappointments. Life and people change; the unexpected happens.
We know that men and women can never fulfill all of each other’s needs. Only God can fill that place in your heart that needs that fulfillment. But we expect them to and in those expectations of them, when they don’t or cannot, we are disappointed. Disappointment is ‘the first seed of doubt’ and can lead to defeat or depression. So how do we learn not to expect things from others, not to lean on others for our joy or happiness. Can we unlearn the emotion of expecting others to fulfill our needs and do the things we think they ought to do?
Yes, I believe we can. God made all of us in His image - not everyone else’s image. We are all separate beings. He did not make a commandment saying, "Thou shalt expect others to fulfill our needs and do what we want them to do." Actually, the commandments are a compilation of honoring and doing good to others ;not expecting them to do good for us.
My answer to "Have no Expectations - Have no Disappointments", is to Have Gratitude and Thanksgiving. I wrote a factoid on Gratitude http://factoidz.com/gratitude/ that shows how you can learn the habit of gratitude and stop disappointments. In it, I find gratitude for all the gifts and blessings that we all have in our lives and make them more important than the things I expect or want from others.
On a personal note, I had a tremendous expectation into disappointment with my teen-age son. It was a turbulent time and I loved him, but did not like him much. The disappointed expectation turned into a life role play where I was the mother of expectations and he was the child of disappointments. I had visions of what he should do with his life and he had much different views of what he wanted. So much so, that it affected our family and our relationship suffered. I went to a family counselor and gave him my story; he wanted my son to come in to hear his. That being done, he told me my son did not have to come back, but I did. What? Is there some mistake here, I am paying for this session and I’m the disappointer?
Long story made short, I went back and it was explained that my son was perfectly happy with himself and in his choices for school, work and his future. I had different expectations for him and that was my problem. His remedy was that I should learn to love my child as he was and to compliment him each day on something he did that was good. I told him there was nothing he did that pleased me. And his answer was, ‘If he takes the garbage out, that is good - thank him.’ Which is the only thing I could do and the garbage taking-out WAS good and I did genuinely thank him. I’m happy to say that I followed the advice, thanked him for all the good and overlooked what i thought was bad - and seriously, within a week, we were talking and smiling to each other and the mother of expectations and the child of disappointment were no more. I took stock of what the doctor told me and found that once I lost my expectation of what I believed was ‘good’ for my son, I found what was ruining our relationship. Today, I am so blessed to have such a close and endearing relationship with this man - my son, who has done well in his life and succeeded without my expectations. And with my support, love and encouragement instead of disappointments.
Make a habit of gratitude instead of expectations. Don’t grumble or murmur if your mate forgets to put the mail out. Yes, you expect him to do that every morning, but he was in a hurry today. Instead, call him and ask him how his day is going and don’t mention the mail. It will get where it’s going and so will you. Expectation can become a habit and sometimes the more you expect, the more you want. Then you have to deal with more disappointments. But they are of your own making, and you can disown them.
