So you’ve signed up for an online dating service, found a potential match and have begun communicating with them. You started with simple emails, moved to instant messaging and maybe even managed some phone calls. And now you are ready to meet in person. One way to handle this first meeting is discussed here. But I would like to present a counterpoint.
Depending on how long you have chatted, it seems like a waste to have all that time spent communicating come to nothing more than a first meeting in a coffee shop. I emailed my girlfriend for 3 months before meeting her, but I’ve heard about non-face-to-face communication that lasted as long as 6 months, only to have it come to nothing upon meeting in person. Half a year down the drain in a couple hours’ of meeting. So how can you help avoid wasting all that time?
I, for one, have never agreed with the coffee shop meeting method. I think you have to spend some time getting to know the person, and your first actual date should be more about doing something with the person. In short, it should be just like any other date. A mutually-enjoyable activity and some food. I don’t recommend a movie. Better options would be minigolf or a museum. Something you both enjoy (you’ve talked and hopefully have some things in common) that is well-lit and public. The activity takes some of the pressure off just sitting and talking to each other, and will give you something to talk about. My girlfriend and I had our first date at an aviation museum because we both like airplanes and history. It gives you time to be legitimately silent (as opposed to uncomfortably silent). We were looking at the planes. You gain a certain comfort and gain a shared experience.
The way I look at it: email, phone and instant messaging are all variations on talking to someone. You’ve talked to this person a lot. Now that you are meeting, the date should be about spending time with one another. By doing the activity first, you have something to talk about over the food. If he or she has a mutant third arm, you can legitimately leave after the activity and skip the food. The date has a built-in natural breaking point. If you do get food, the activity gives you something to talk about. If it doesn’t work out, at least you went to an interesting place.
The other alternative to this is to talk less in non-face-to-face means: meet sooner. You will have more “easy” topics to talk about. Or you can talk a lot and establish that you have a lot in common. The trick to lengthy communication is to go deep. Form an intellectual connection before meeting and forming a physical and emotional one.
Here is my biggest tip for any men reading this: don’t touch your date, let her touch you. Never pressure a woman into anything physical, even if it is just holding hands. If she likes you, she will initiate the first physical contact. If she doesn’t like you, forcing physical contact won’t make her like you any more, she will probably like you less.
