1) Do not buy the ceiling fan from a store, for these come with directions and makes installing too easy. Instead, buy the fan cheap from Craigslist where you are unsure of whether all the pieces are included (this makes life exciting) or better yet, get it from the side of the road in a FREE box going to the dump. Über thrilling!
2) When your husband asks you to help him, instead sit on the couch and have a glass of wine. Two is better. Eventually make your way upstairs and stare in rapt attention. You will be completely useless to him but have fun watching him curse and fumble and try to install the fan himself. When he asks you to hand him a nut or bolt, stare at the bag and then hand him everything. Try to hand it up so all the pieces fall out on the floor. Watch as the new puppy eats three of them.
3) Don’t take notes when you take the old fan out, since putting the new fan in will be a greater challenge when you haven’t the slightest idea what you are doing, and life should be full of challenges. If you remember to turn off your electricity that‘s great, but it won’t be nearly as exciting as the indoor fireworks from leaving the electricity on. Props if you mix up all the electric wires “green goes on…black? No, red to green…white on black, yeah that‘s it”.
4) Realize at some point that the brackets for the new fan look nothing like the old fan. Nod knowingly when the screws you have left don’t fit into the holes either. It‘s okay, just hammer the bracket into the wall. Scotch tape also works well. Balance the new fan on the bracket, wrap tape around and around to hold it on. Hold your breath, then turn fan on. Laugh when it doesn’t go on, then have another glass of wine.
5) Take seven hours to of tinkering, swearing and tapping your head furiously to finally figure out that you didn’t turn the electricity back on and that’s why the fan didn’t work. Turn the electricity on and run upstairs–giggle and point as the fan wobbles like a small town ride.
6) You will have pieces left over after “installing” the fan, so try to squeeze those in anywhere. One behind a blade here, one under the black wire there, in the cat dish there, oh that’s so pretty and sparkly, under the toilet seat, hey that fits perfect. See, you’re not so bad at this!
7) Nod understandingly when the fan cuts out after ten minutes. Try everything you can think of including hitting it with a hammer over and over. Finally, drive to the store and buy a brand new ceiling fan at Home Depot, then hire an electrician to install it. Sigh. Kick the fan to the curb with a “FREE“ sign on it. For fun, add extra nuts and bolts and pieces from a Parker Brothers game. Laugh when you see another sucker pick it up from your curb. You know where this is going.
