As the parent of a child bullied, off and on, from 5th to 8th grade (middle school), I saw first-hand the damage young abusers can do to the self-esteem and emotional well-being of their victims. While school-age victims of bullies often have little or no power to confront them (they are usually isolated while bullies often work with others), parents can do much to make the situation better at school, without being intrusive. Parents can speak out and become proactive about demanding zero tolerance for bullying. This is what I did successfully some years back. If you would like to help your child and bring about change in the school atmosphere, here are some suggestions I recommend:
1. Pay attention when your child tells you about intolerable taunting, exclusion or inappropriate behavior. Do not assume this is some rite-of-passage all children must pass through. Bullying is never acceptable, on any level. Some children are reluctant to talk about being bullied, because they are ashamed, embarrassed or believe they will seem lesser in their parents’ eyes. But if your child begins to tell you about incidents on the playground, in the lunch room or school hallways, do not assume it will stop. As soon as you know there’s a bullying pattern in place, it’s time to become proactive.
2. Reassure your child you understand how hurt s/he feels, and that they are not alone. Rather than showing up to have lunch with your child (I’ve seen that done) or ride the bus with him or her, which would embarrass and potentially inflame the bullying, explain you are going to take some steps to end bullying at school by initially addressing the problem behind-the-scenes–with teachers and the principal. Your child may need your assurance you will not "out" the bullies, because in his/her mind, this will only increase punishment. Your child will need to know that you are not being over-protective, but attempting to make life better for all students at school (it may even make your child feel a little better that there ARE other kids with the same problem). Explain that you will only speak to the teacher, "off the record."
3. Speak to your child’s teacher confidentially about what your child is going through. If asked, name the bullies, but insist your discussion be kept just between you. Request that the teacher (the home-room or primary teacher) observe signs of bullying in and outside of class. In many locations, teachers have been trained to identify bullies, change their behavior and empower their victims. But in another regions or locations, the social workers or principal have sadly not addressed this widespread issue. If this is the case in your school, provide the teacher with as much information as you can gather about bullying, its harmful, lasting effects, its causes (usually a dysfunctional home environment or some form of parental abuse) and possible school-wide solutions. Form an alliance with your child’s teacher to address bullying in the classroom - in some form or another. In the next week or two, ask your child if the teacher is paying more attention to inappropriate classroom behavior, and schedule a follow-up conference with the teacher to get his/her input about any changes taking place in the school.
4. Next, join the PTA or PTO (in different locations, it’s called by different names). This Parent-Teacher organization is where you can push to put a school-wide anti-bully program in place. I was in a position to create an anti-bully program at my child’s grade school, because I was PTO President. We used PTO funds (a minor cost) and installed posters in every hallway (the word "bully" with a no/slash and the words: You are in a bully-free zone. We alerted the school social worker (most schools have at least a part-time social worker) who put an anti-bully program in place that involved teaching children how to confront, discuss, and relate to one another. We brought over high-school students, from the nearby campus, to act as monitors on the play-ground. They were required to observe any bullying or physical problems on the playground at recess or lunch and to put a stop to them immediately. These high-school monitors joined in games and were more helpful to the children than a teacher patrol that usually caused the bullies to halt, only temporarily, their abuse. In our school-wide program, teachers began to rotate lunchroom duty to keep an eye on bullying/victimization in the lunchrooms (where tormenting often occurs through exclusion or inappropriate humor). In our case, since the bullies had already been identified, the teachers were on the alert to their behavior. One teacher encouraged the class leaders and more resilient children to socialize with children who’d been victimized. The teacher’s theory was to train the non-bullying-children on how to stand up on behalf of children who’d been victimized - both in school, on the playground and on the bus. This was helpful to my child. The bullies did not dare confront her with her "bodyguards" surrounding her. She was also able to model their take-no-prisoners behavior.
5. If the teachers are not cooperative, take it higher. Middle school principals may not initially be as accessible or amenable to confronting a bully or his/her parents; however, traumatic events (school shootings by those who claim to have been bullied) in recent years may have changed their willingness to help. If the school leadership won’t act, take it higher - to school Administrators or school boards. Contact your local newspapers to see if they can investigate bullying in the schools. Join with other parents (through the PTO or your neighbors), so your voice will be even more effective in writing articles, editorials, even blogging.
What I learned:
The roots of bullying begin early - you can see some of it in preschool and kindergarten. If bullying is not to be tolerated in and out of school, it must be addressed as early as possible. By the time you get to third grade or higher, it may be too late to insist on respectful, non-threatening behavior.
Private schools generally do not tolerate bullies. The rules and regulations at a private school are much stricter. Since my child’s public middle school was unwilling to prevent the aggressive bullying at lunch and on the bus (your child is attractive and smart, why would anyone pick on her?), we enrolled her in a private school, where she thrived. The school population had cliques, but no threatening or humiliating behavior. Our family has always been publicly-schooled, so this was a hard move. We did so reluctantly, but felt our options were limited. Looking back, we made the right move. Our daughter’s favorite school years were her private high school years.
Bullying, like all forms of abuse, thrives in the dark and in secret. But proactive parents can shine a light on the destructive behavior. Bullying may not be entirely eliminated, but it may be disarmed.
It is usually not helpful to speak to the parents of the bullies. The parents of our children’s bullies were our neighbors. When their 5th grade daughter demanded that our daughter, also 5th grade, move off the sidewalk, where the school bus stopped, I spoke to the bully’s mother. She denied her daughter had done anything wrong. "The sidewalk is public," the mother said. "Why would Lynn-Ann ever say such a thing? Your daughter must have misunderstood." She did not offer to speak to her daughter or to investigate or work to bring the girls together. Door closed.
Bullying knows no boundaries - it can happen anywhere. We lived in a tree-lined neighborhood in a school district considered one of the best. This largely well-off Caucasian population was energized by well-meaning parents who pushed their children to be the best at everything (that must have included bullying). The resulting aggressive, competitive behavior no doubt played a role in the bullying that took place. But, in my research and readings, I have learned that bullying knows no boundaries. It crosses all financial, racial, and regional and even time lines. (In the 1930s-’40s, muscle-man Charles Atlas ads advised "Don’t let bullies kick sand in your face."). 
My heart goes out to those children experiencing bullying or to those who felt it first-hand. When I was in first grade, a bully named Nicky, used to chase me home, trip me and make me cry every day. My mother, watching from the window, had enough. So she taught me to box (first-grade-style). "You don’t have to take it," she admonished. "You can fight back." One day, when Nicky was chasing me, as usual, I suddenly remembered my boxing lessons, and my mother’s encouragement. I stopped dead, whirled around and faced-off Nicky. He was so startled, he didn’t know what to do. But I did. I gave him a walloping that would have made Joe Louis proud. I remember sitting on his back, and him yelling, "Uncle!" a number of times. I finally let him up. That was the day Nicky went home crying, and also the last time he ever chased me home.
Getting through childhood is one of our toughest journeys. For some people, it’s more painful than for others. But a proactive parent (in the right place/situation) can help a school-aged child learn, and to find grace and dignity, strength, compassion, and self-esteem. These are some of the qualities that will serve long after graduation from "school."
