This is a good question right now, and for more reasons than just the question on the surface. As our economy sinks further into recession, as it’s predicted to do before any kind of recovery is seen, the whole question is, not only how to finance a wedding, but how much wedding do you want to finance, and, for maybe the first time it’s been asked in decades, how much wedding is it appropriate to finance? And then, of course, there’s the more practical issue of shrinking credit card and credit-line limits, and threatened job security cutting into your buying power.
One good thing that can be said for our current financial situation, is that restraint may once again become an appreciated commodity; those who flaunt wealth or frivolous excess in the midst of harder-than-usual times all around them are unlikely to be admired, and more likely looked upon as insensitive and tasteless. For those with unlimited wealth, of course, nothing will change. As for the rest of us, we need to balance our celebrations with more emphasis on the joy and festivity of the occasion itself, and less on its trappings.
Just as the whole country is stepping back these days to reconsider the definition of want versus need, before thinking about how to finance your wedding, seriously evaluate what’s truly important, and don’t pay for what’s not. Bear in mind that a wedding is, at its heart, supposed to be about two people–and does not have to be two people lost in a circus of distractions that follow, then swallowed by debt afterwards. While your newly-married friends struggle to pay off the plastic onto which they loaded their ultimate-fantasy weddings and juggle to hold onto the homes they rushed into buying too quickly, think about what is specifically precious about your wedding to the two of you.
Financing a wedding: lots of cash, a little plastic, and a whole lot of help from your family & friends
Cash and how to come up with it:
• First of all, have a frank talk with your parents–both sets, this isn’t the Middle Ages–but it would probably be most comfortable for each of you to have this talk privately with your own parents–asking them if they want to or are able to contribute any funds to your celebration. Realize that in the current financial climate, they may be financially shell-shocked right now from having just lost a large chunk of savings or retirement funds to the stock market and/or may be concerned about their own job security. Don’t put your parents in a position to burden themselves with debt for your wedding. But they probably will want to help, and might at least be able to help you out with enough money for things you need sooner rather than later, such as a down payment to hold a reservation for a venue.
Additional word of caution: at this time in particular, plan your wedding cautiously and conservatively–because one or the other of you may face an unforeseen work layoff in the meantime. So take care about signing a contract for non-refundable deposits, etc. Don’t commit to anything you may find yourself suddenly unable to follow through.
• Plan a longer engagement to enable to you to save money from your incomes to pay for your wedding expenses. Not years–but maybe up to a year if a wedding with some frills is really important to you. It might also enable your parents to chip in more, from their incomes. Plus, it will give your friends the time to give you an extra engagement party or shower.
• Expecting a tax return? Use it to create a wedding fund.
• Are you due for a bonus at work? Don’t be overconfident–some businesses are freezing salaries and your bonus may not be what you had hoped, through no fault of your own. If either of you do receive a bonus, sock it into a wedding fund.
• Use coupons at the grocery store, then when you get home, add up your savings and put it into your wedding fund. You may scoff–but my daughter paid for a school trip to Washington, D.C. (all the way from the opposite coast) by getting me to do this for only five months.
• Are you living in a rental, such as an apartment? If it’s a possibility, you might consider moving back to mom & dad’s until the wedding, and pay that rent money into a wedding fund. This adds up fast, and the math is simple–saving living expenses of $600 a month for just 10 months would put $6,000 into your fund, which could pay for your dress, the venue, the food and the bar.
• If you DO make such a move, this would be the perfect time to assess your possessions for what you may have that you no longer like or use, or that you won’t have room for when you set up housekeeping together. Sell any particularly valuable or interesting spare items on Craigslist–OR (see next item)
• Have a garage sale. Better yet, pool your garage-sale goods with excess items that each of your parents might like to contribute to reduce their household clutter, and have a BIGGER garage sale. Obviously, try for a spell of dry weather to coax people out of their cars. Be sure to advertise the sale on Craigslist–they have a section just for garage sales–and put up signs locally giving the address and pointing the way. If clothing is part of it, give it a tumble in the dryer with a fragrant dryer sheet to remove the worst of the wrinkles, and hang it up by size–hanging it will keep people from pawing through loose clothing so that you don’t have to continually re-fold it, and to keep it from becoming an unappealing pile. Understand that you won’t make a huge amount of money from such a sale, but you might make enough to pay for your cake or tuxedo rentals. (And be a good citizen when it’s over, and take those neighborhood signs down.)
• Do you each have a car but usually ride together? Consider selling the “second car”–but be prepared for the fact that sales of larger items are currently in a slump, so price it realistically and prepare to run the ad (Craigslist is free) for several weeks.
• Do you ease yourself into your work morning by allowing yourself the small luxury of a vente mocha or latté? Invest in a commuter cup, some Hershey’s syrup, and begin to "mocha-from-home." Stick the money–daily–into a wedding-fund jar: you’ll pick up $80 a month for one of you, $160 a month for both! That would be $1600 in ten months, paying for your dress AND the men’s tuxes.
• Do you have a skill that you could offer on Craigslist to bring in some extra income? Calligraphy, music, or tutoring a child in math or French?
Some things SHOULD go on plastic . . .
If you have available room on credit cards, this is a good way to pay for a limited amount of retail items that you may end up having to return–for example, $200-300 of silk flowers that you actually should buy all at the same time to be sure you have enough–but they turn out to disappoint. Anything returnable (which leaves out the bridal salons) or exchangeable, that you may be likely to change your mind about, like attendants’ gifts, your shoes, matching necklaces for bridesmaids, etc. Using a credit card generally makes businesses more willing to refund or at least exchange, and if you end up having a dispute, you can appeal to the bank issuing the credit card to back you up in requesting a refund. Also, if you haven’t had time to save up cash for deposits, a credit card might save the day–but be sure to faithfully pay them back down from your income, so you’ll have a bit of room left on them for honeymoon expenses.
Speaking of honeymoon expenses–is there someone in either of your families with a timeshare someplace sunny and fun, such as Hawaii or Mexico? You might approach them (or have the next closest relative approach them, such as your mom asking your aunt) about the possibility that they’d consider giving you a week’s stay for a wedding gift.
A major part of “financing your wedding” is to reduce the bottom line. To answer the question, how to finance my wedding, seriously consider what you can simply choose NOT to pay for. What are your basic components for a lovely, enjoyable wedding? Beauty and romance (gowns, flowers, décor and YOU); an assembly of loved ones and well-wishers to witness a heartfelt ceremony; good food and drink; rounds of toasting; music and dancing; a pretty cake; photography. Each of these elements can be had with abundance and style at a fraction of the cost of retail.
What kind of wedding-inflaters can you do without? Forget a wedding planner. Forget a D.J. and the string quartet (see my Factoid, How to get your wedding music for next to nothing). Forget catered food. If you have a (seriously) competent photographer among your family and friends, forget photography and enlist them as their wedding gift to you–they’ll be flattered, and digital cameras take the guesswork out of whether or not they “got the shot.” Order a plain-iced wedding cake at Safeway, trimmed only in frosting “shells” at the edges–and then decorate with a few snips of the key flowers you’re using in your bouquets, or drape it with by-the-yard pearls from a fabric or craft store–easy chic, saving $500-$1,000 from a custom bakery.
Save a couple of hundred dollars by getting back to classic, old-fashioned wedding favors such as foil-wrapped cubes of groomscake (traditionally fruitcake, which seemingly keeps forever and realistically isn’t actually going be eaten anyway) or Jordan almonds colorfully wrapped in tulle and tied with ribbons printed with your names–instead of what has become today’s routine “favors” of $3-$8 mini-gifts for your guests which will they will take home and eventually deposit in their junk drawers. Or instead of favors, offer a candy buffet–seven or eight good-sized clear glass containers displaying a variety of candy to compliment your wedding colors. It will still cost $150-$200 to fill the containers, but it adds a very fun, upscale dimension to the celebration. Goodwill and Value Village will easily yield a perfect variety of interesting containers for $2 to $4 each.
Venues are dramatically cheaper if you choose a Friday, Sunday or daytime slot instead of a Saturday evening–and if you must have Saturday night, they’re less expensive during the months of November and January-March. So when considering something in the daytime (late morning or early afternoon), then instead of a dinner, consider a brunch (which will also cut your bar needs to a Mimosa punch bowl and Bloody Mary’s) or a sophisticated “heavy hors d’oevres” reception (which can cut your bar needs to champagne for toasting and a batch of pre-mixed “signature” cocktails). Does someone in your family have a lovely home and yard that they might use to host an event of 50 or less? Think: this is free. For additional venue ideas, please see my Factoid Tips on how to find a budget wedding venue.
Cut your numbers: watch how you talk about your wedding to others, so that you don’t give the impression that it’s going to be a huge event. Use terms like “small and intimate,” or “just our families” so that unnecessary guests won’t expect to be invited. You may be obligated to invite a certain number of relatives, but invite only truly close friends. When you reach the point on your guest list where you find yourself saying “but if we invite X, then we HAVE to invite Y”–no, you don’t have to invite Y, and maybe not even X. You don’t have to invite your co-workers (if there’s anyone special, hand them their invitation privately and explain that it’s not a blanket invitation for the office). You don’t have to invite your Wednesday-night volleyball team. Your guest list is not a “six degrees from anyone” game–so you won’t have to invite Kevin Bacon, either.
Cut more numbers in your wedding party. Have one attendant each, or if you must have multiples, no more than three. Less dresses, less tuxes, less bouquets and boutonnieres, less manicures, less attendants’ gifts. More than 3 attendants are simply redundant to your guests. Plus, if you’ve done a good job of cutting your numbers in the guest department, too many attendants can make it seem like half of your guests are IN the wedding. Remember that the time that each of you will have to make the rounds of guests (which is only polite) at the reception is going to be very limited. Keeping your guest list relevant means cutting out several tables full of guests to whom you have little to say, who would then go home feeling a bit left out that you didn’t make it to their table. Cut.
Evaluate and capitalize on what you already may have.
Does your mom or grandmother have a string of pearls, (maybe even that they wore to their own wedding) or a standout 50’s-esque rhinestone necklace, to use as your “something old” or “something borrowed?” This is a really lovely way to give yourself a classy and traditional look (even if pearls or rhinestones aren’t your personal favorite) and at the same time delight the lender at being included.
Do you have sisters, cousins, girlfriends who have been married in the past few years? Some of them probably have wedding stuff: bolts of tulle that can be used in décor. Sets of candlesticks or candle-holders to make a fireplace mantel or banquet table glorious, cutting out expensive large floral arrangements. Even if you didn’t like their dining-table centerpieces, they may still have them–which could give you vases or glass hurricanes for candles to which you could give a whole new look. There may be a gorgeous, expensive wedding dress that they’d be happy to see worn again, which could look like a completely different dress on a different body, with minimal alterations or added trim, or a different hairdo & veil. (Even if it doesn’t look that different, how many are going to know?) And where there was a bride, there may be flowergirl dresses just waiting to have a bit of trim in your colors added.
Talent: is someone in your circle a florist, or just good with flowers, or crafty? First, scale down to the flowers you really need, then further slash the cost of the necessary bouquets, corsages and boutonnieres if you have a willing friend or relative who will help you. Is there a minister or other wedding officiant in your family or circle of friends? This can be a touchy subject, because you are asking them for something for which they are accustomed to being paid. But it might be easy enough to say, “Uncle Bill, we would love to have you act as our minister as your wedding gift to us.” If so, that’s one less expense. Are there a couple of great cooks, the ones who always step up to the stove at family gatherings? Ask them to help you plan a menu and prepare the food. (Splurge and take the pressure off of them on The Day by hiring a couple of people to help in the kitchen for a couple of hours when it’s time to serve it.) Bonus: once asked, your floral person and/or food people may offer to actually pay for the flowers or food as your wedding gift instead of giving you an extra toaster! It can be a win-win situation!
• Is there someone in your family or close friends who may have an antique auto, a flashy sportscar, or a restored classic vehicle? Skip the limousine rental when you leave your reception and give everybody something to talk about by asking to use this unique ride as your “getaway car”–you might only drive it a few blocks, where your own car waits, and the owner can pick it up shortly thereafter. Most owners of such cars enjoy showing them off and talking about them, and would be flattered if you asked.
Even broader “re-use and recycle.” Remember cash? Cash talks here. And where are we? Craigslist–and to a slightly more limited extent E-bay (more limited because of shipping charges and the larger chance that what you receive may not be as you expected). It would be hard to exaggerate how much Craigslist can save you. Click on “for sale,” and enter “wedding” in the search box. DO IT DAILY. Yes, you will find a lot of junk. But you will also find current–even couture–wedding gowns (as well as puffed-up 80’s gowns on steroids that will give you a laugh.) But there are LOTS of styles that are still being sold new, in the salons, right now. Sure, you can pay a thousand (or thousands!)–or more–for JUST “THE” DRESS by working your way through the racks of bridal salons while fending off their generally snotty help, looking for one particular dress that “speaks to you”–and you’re very likely to find it. But after you regain consciousness after seeing the price tag, put it back in perspective by remembering you will never wear this dress again, and that you will be no less lovely in a dress that has been worn only once before, in front of people who will NOT be at YOUR wedding. And as long as the size is bigger than you, but within a couple of sizes, that dress can be custom fitted to your size and shape by a decent alterations shop.
Craigslist also offers bridesmaid dresses; shoes, tiaras, veils; vases, candle holders, votive holders, unity candle sets, flower-girl baskets and ring-bearer pillows, a card holder for your gift table–an entire array of things you can use to put your wedding together. Sometimes you’ll find local “wedding services” that re-use donated wedding items for free or very little cost (think, instead of RENTING tablescloths, china & champagne flutes, you might be able to just check them out like at a library). If you check the postings daily, you can limit your time to only this one day’s postings. All you need is an open mind–and CASH. And keep at it: looking for just what you want takes time. Bonus: great place for ideas! Sometimes you may run across something that isn’t what you’re looking for, but it might spark an idea for something very charming that will make your wedding distinctive. Caution: DO NOT settle for something you really don’t like just because you know it’s a good deal. You will likely end up deciding to spend additional money to replace it, and the money for the first item will be wasted.
Under “services,” you can find inexpensive photography services, florists who work from home with no overhead, but can still get wholesale-priced fresh flowers or put together whatever you want in silks. Seamstresses to make or alter wedding garb. Licensed bartenders (ask for a copy of their current license–your venue may require it). Wedding officiants. Of course, you will need to meet with these service providers to review their portfolios to make sure the talent they offer is really there. Expect florists, photographers and officiants to ask for a deposit, which may be nonrefundable, so it should be nominal. And do ask officiants to see their current license to practice, and whether they know the procedure for filing your official documents after the ceremony, so that you know your ceremony will be legal. And every once in a great while, a private home or garden will offer itself as a venue.
E-Bay has wedding "shops" that offer new goods such as ribbon or napkins imprinted with your names, wedding favors and wedding-favor materials (such as pre-cut circles of tulle), and shops that specialize in groomsmen’s gifts. Generally the e-Bay prices are more favorable than what you’ll find at online wedding sites such as The Knot, Wedding Channel, etc., for the identical product. But do ask yourself if their shipping price seems fair for the weight of the merchandise–many eBay sellers offer low prices, then pad shipping costs to make up the difference.
With all the above belt-tightening suggestions, don’t lose sight of the fact that planning and shopping for your wedding is still an exciting and fun time–and never view your wedding as a charity case that doesn’t deserve exactly what you want. Use the months before your wedding to make a game of leaving no stone unturned to save a few dollars wherever you can, without compromising the overall effect you’re going for. If you save a bit extra here, you can splurge a bit more there. When it all comes together, it will truly have been a labor of love that you’ll look back on with a lot more meaning than if price was no object and you just picked up the phone and ordered the “best of everything”–you will only get the “best of everything” if you’re personally involved in its selection. For the control freak that resides somewhere within each of us, it’s another win-win situation.
01.29.09
UPDATE WITH THE ARRIVAL OF SPRING!
It’s May, and rhododendrons–some the size of trees, dwarfing the small older homes where they were planted generations ago, are about to bloom. Hugely and vividly.
Later on, as spring gets into summer, there will be no shortage of oversized hydrangeas, in classic blue and, more rarely, pink.
Just one large cluster from these plants, floating elegantly in a glass dish, would be a lush and beautiful statement of both color and season as table centerpieces, and in one or two larger arrangements with just a few other flowers (grocery store bouquets!) for strategic placement (the buffet table or on either side of where the vows will be exchanged). This could put your décor and floral issues to rest!
Post an ad on Craigslist, with a headline of “Rhododendron (or Hydrangea) Blooms Wanted.” In the ad, state your case simply–“A bride without a budget seeking some beauty for her wedding–can you help? If you would be willing to cut (or allow us to cut) some of your blooms on _________(date*) please call call _________ (name) at ___________ (phone number). We would be very grateful.” (* make the date the afternoon before, and be prepared to have designated people to obtain the blooms and get their stems directly into water until the next day. Make sure your people will cut respectfully, without damaging the bushes or leaving a mess behind.)
And/or: type up that ad, print 4 to a sheet and cut them out. Then drive around some well-established neighborhoods where you might expect to find large bushes. When you find one, go to the door as a couple (or mom and daughter), and state your request politely. If nobody is home, leave the printed note on the door (bring tape). Bring a tablet with you so that if you find someone at home who is willing to help, you can write down their name, phone number, address, and the date you discussed. Have one of your bridesmaids call all donors the day before the cutting to remind them.
04.29.09
