Oh the "joys" of sibling rivalry. Sometimes our kids can make us feel like the sandwich filling inside an Oreo. They push from each direction and try to put us in the middle.
My daughters each did this as they were growing up. I can remember similar instances happening between my brother and myself. When my children were small I used to see kids do this in Playgroup. Fortunately, my kids are older and I am wiser (or at least more tolerant).
Let’s face it. Our kids each deserve and need to know that they are loved. There will be times when one child honestly may get more attention than the other. This is life and there is no way around it.
Fortunately, there are ways that we can mitigate the squabbling. My daughters are both in college now. They each speak well of the other, exchange secrets and know that they are loved. They stopped the competitive behavior years ago. It wasn’t that they just outgrew the behavior as much as my husband and I were successful in teaching them differently.
For starters, my husband and I had a long discussion. We took an honest look at what we were doing that would factor into the situation. He and I did this knowing that we couldn’t change our children before changing ourselves. When we examined the situation one glaring behavior stood out. One of the grandparents was constantly saying "Why can’t you be like your sibling?" to one or the other of my daughters. While this did make my daughter change her behavior to suit the grandmother, it also pitted my daughters against each other. Several conversations with the grandmother ensued. We couldn’t do anything to change her behavior but we were successful in teaching our daughters to "consider the source".
We also realized that we were being obsessive about buying an equal number of presents for holidays or birthdays. Or, spending an equal amount of money on occasions. As youngsters, children are sponges for this type of behavior. When we looked at our behavior it was easy to see why our daughters played the "don’t you love me more?" game. It was because we were obsessing about treating them equally!
Once we recognized our mistake, we forumulated a plan and called a family meeting. Our daughters were in primary school. We all sat down and my husband and I said that we loved them and each other very much. But, we also told them that we had faith in both of them being "big girls" and outlined our plan to them.
Basically, what we did was acknowledge that life won’t always treat them the same. We told them that there would be times when one would get more attention than the other–and taking pains to give concrete examples really helped to get this point home. We pointed to one daughter who won a classroom spelling bee and to the other who had won a bicycling contest.
The main point was that they were both individuals and were now big enough to be treated as such. Then, we emphasized their differences as well as their similarities.
It was hard to live this out but I believe it has been for the best of each of our kids. When one received extra attention for whatever reason (good grades, school recognition, hospitalization) we would give the other a hug. Then, we would say something like "This is her moment right now. What do you think we can do to help her celebrate?" By drawing the daughter in who had felt left out, helped her refocus her energy and made celebrations a family effort.
There were a few instances when we were asked "When is my moment?" For this, we would hug our daughter and give her a gentle reminder of an event or something that had either just come up or was going to happen. (Remember what we did when you were in the hospital? Won a contest? Took a field trip–etc.) Usually, this was enough to allow her to change perspective.
At holidays and birthdays we still continued to be fairly equal with the presents. But we had enough freedom that we didn’t have to feel obsessive about it. If one child got an extra stocking item the other one didn’t fall apart. Actually, I’m not sure they ever even counted stocking items anymore.
We also allowed both girls to be individuals. When one wanted to be in a play and the other wanted to be in the school band we let them choose. Then, we found a way to get them to both activities. This helped them form as individuals and did a lot to discourage them from competing for our attention as parents.
Try to be as calm as possible when the kids try to apply the pressure. Tell them you do love them and will talk about the situation at "X" time, and then do so. If they continue to put you in the middle, try not to give into it. Breathe slowly. Look at your watch. Send child "A" to clean their room and child "B" to take out the trash. In short, try to refocus their energy. It may just give you the breathing space you need.
It also helps to realize that the manipulation doesn’t always stem from feelings of insecurity. Somtimes the kids just want to go to a party, event or have a special privilege. As a parent, it is up to you to recognize the difference and respond accordingly. Parenting is a tough job. If you aren’t sure if the problem stems from insecurity or attention you may want to seek professional advice. A few sessions with a counselor may work wonders. Alternatively, talking with your school’s guidance counselor may do the trick.
Remember, you are the first authority figure your kids will know. Later on, they will meet teachers, professors and bosses of all levels. What you teach them now will be reenacted later in their life. By not allowing yourself to be put in the middle now, you are saving your children a multitude of issues later on in life.
