The untimely death of Michael Jackson has brought forth the question of how best to help children when a parent or caregiver suddenly passes. While many grieved the loss of the pop idol just as many, and more, felt their hearts go out to his three small children. The question became more than just who would be caring for these little ones, but also, how will they cope with the passing of their father.
Jackson’s death turned our attention to the ways in which children cope and understand death. As we watched his daughter Paris Jackson eulogize her father we were left thinking about the rest of her life, and the lives of her brothers. Children understand and come to terms with death on a very different level than adults and it is up to the adults around them to guide them in the process.
When addressing the subject of death and dying we must keep in mind the cognitive, emotional, and chronological developmental age of your child. Chronological age refers to the actual age of your child. Emotionally they may be more juvenile or sophisticated then their actual age. Cognitive development refers to how your child processes information intellectually. Children function on all three levels and are not always at the same level of development for each area. A child may be six-years-old chronologically, but emotionally he could be four, and his cognition might be as high as seven or above—or it could be younger than his chronological age. Sensitivity to each area of development will help you determine how much your child needs to be and should be told about the situation. You will need to think in terms of how your child learns, listens, and receives knowledge and information. Think about how they process new information or difficult news and begin by increasing your sensitivity to that level of comprehension. In his book, Denial of Death, Ernest Becker suggests that "there is no knowledge of death until about the age of three to five… it is too abstract an idea, too removed from (the child’s) experience."
Be sure to Keep it simple, no matter what your child’s age. Also keep it short, but answer any questions as honestly as you can. Children can only take in so much information. Even if you believe you are speaking to them on their level of understanding, too much is still too much. It is a fine line. Most of the time, you can sense when your child is on over-load. The amount of information intake varies from child to child as well. Some children have a burning desire to know every detail, while others are fine with "just the facts, please." In other words, give the essential information and allow those who want to ask for more details to do so. For those children who don’t want to know more and only wish to take what you give them: go no further. They will guide you!
As with any other child who has a lost a parent or caregiver, the lives of the Jackson children will never be the same. Death changes the survivor’s life forever. This is why, if the opportunity is there, we prepare the child. The most important message for the child is that they are, and their behavior is, in NO way responsible for the passing of someone they love. Younger children, for instance, will go to "magical thinking" most of the time. It is natural and normal for them to begin thinking that perhaps if they believe hard enough, clap their hands, or be really good, the person they love will be okay. We walk a fine line when dealing with "magical thoughts" and bargaining with children. Comprehending that someone they love is no longer there, whether or not the death is sudden or they have had preparation time, can lead to a sense of abandonment. This means it is essential that they understand nothing was their fault. It is human nature to search for a reason for the events in our lives, especially the not-so-pleasant ones. Adults will even begin to wonder whether, if they had done something differently, this would have happened.
Children are perhaps more vulnerable to these feelings of blame, as they do not yet have the reasoning skills to understand that other events have a role in certain outcomes. Because of their limited ability to reason and limited frame of reference, children will normally determine that the only one to blame for the tragedy is themselves. Telling the child it was not their fault is the starting point. It is important to be attentive both to what the child is saying and not saying.
Understanding how we make sense of life helps us tremendously in how we make sense of death. There is a connection between the places in which we have found meaning in our world and what we perceive to be the meaning of the end of life as we know it. Share your spiritual beliefs with your children in an effort to help them with some kind of understanding. Explaining the unseen to a child is complicated, but not impossible. Stressing that "this is what we believe" is the easiest and most honest approach. Taking such an approach does not mean there will not be endless "what if" questions, especially from older children who may be more concrete thinkers. Adding truthfully that "while we cannot know for sure, our faith teaches us this" will eventually help your child to come to his or her own conclusions.
In many respects we give conflicting messages without meaning to do so. We share perhaps that heaven is a wonderful place, with beauty all around, and that in heaven we are home with God, and yet few of us are in a rush to get there. We tell our little ones that our loved one has gone to this grand new world or to a "better place," yet we cry.
Overall, honesty is always the best policy.
It is more than okay to let our child know that we really don’t actually know what happens at the time of death or afterward, but you can also take the time to insert what you believe. Simply saying "I really don’t know, but I would like to think…" or "Our faith teaches us…" or "I believe…" are all appropriate ways to handle the inevitable question.
Avoid blame at all costs, and yet allow the emotions. When you are aware, you can help your child. When you have taken care of your spiritual needs, it is easier to feed the emotional and spiritual needs of your child. Gathering your spiritual community, spiritual leaders, friends, and family around you will give you the added support you may require in this most difficult of times. Allow your children to engage in the spiritual rituals and prayers. Involve them with honesty at their level of development, and also allow them to opt out if they need to. Children need to still be children, and if they would rather go play with their friends next door, that is okay, too. Avoid judgment and allow them to be and express exactly what they need to express.
