Some of us have the gift or talent to express sympathy easily to others. Gestures and words are expertly expressed and people are comforted.
Many others dread seeing the survivor(s) at a viewing or even for the first time after a death occurs. They feel awkward, not knowing quite what to say in offering condolences. It is difficult and sometimes emotional to see someone who is in grief and it can makes us feel uncomfortable especially when we are not sure of what to do or say.
I use to feel that way until I experienced grief myself and some time afterwards, joined a bereavement group at our church. Our mission was to aid the overworked pastor through church funerals and also to invite the bereaved to meetings at the church. At these meetings, we would have a speaker’s presentation on how to adjust to grief or sometimes have individuals express their personal experiences. The group also took turns representing the pastor at the funeral home to be a comfort to the family. Many families expressed their thankfulness in having church members there to aid them through a difficult time. Comfort, presence and listening are key.
As part of my grief Factoid, I ended by saying that I would explain in this next Factoid what to do and say in bereavement situations: 1) if you ever have to experience offering comfort to someone who has a death in their family; and 2) if you desire or are asked to help others work their way through grief.
Here are ten ways to offer condolences or to help someone heal:
- You might say, "I’m sorry"; or "I’m sorry for your loss", or say a kind word about the deceased . . . .
When you don’t know what to say, say ‘nothing‘. This was the #1 rule in bereavement training. There’s not much you can say anyway to relieve their loss. Let them talk and get their feelings and emotions expressed. Your presence, your caring and your listening is balm to a griever. If you are a hugger, this is a good time to give a hug, or hold a hand or put your arm around a shoulder. Touching is healing. If they aren’t touchers, you’ll know; back off and let them set the pace.
- never say ‘it’s for the best’ or ‘they’re in a better place’ or ‘they’ve lived a long life’‘ . . . . I have to admit that I use to say this.
We learned that the bereaved are grieving for a lost loved one and they do not think it was for the best - even if the beloved had been ill. They want them back on earth and don’t want to know they are in a better place. If it is an elderly person who died, they don’t want to hear ‘he lived a long life’ — they want to keep a loved one as long as they can and it’s never long enough.
- never say it was God’s will for them . . . .
We don’t know what God’s will was for them. God doesn’t plan accidents or cause cancer. Death is a life event that will happen to everyone. To say that God willed it, isn’t going to comfort anyone. It may even cause anger at God, and faith is needed more than ever when someone you love dies. Never say ‘It’s God’s will’ or "it’s better it happened this way" to a couple who has lost a child either in stillbirth or a miscarriage. A couple who may have finally gotten pregnant after trying a long time, and have it end in miscarriage or a stillbirth after nine months will feel the loss tremendously and it is not comforting to say it is God’s will or it is for the best. It certainly is not for them. It’s a devastating loss.
- encourage them to join a support group or seek someone who has experienced a similar event….
Perhaps you can suggest they join a support group. There are many kinds of support groups available through churches or the newspapers. Bereavement, Living Alone, Widow/Widowers Seminars offer multiple support groups. People gain strength when they know someone else went through what they did and survived. Although ‘misery loves company’ is a cliche - it has truth to it. You may even mail or drop off announcements of such groups.
Within our bereavement group, we had a grandfather who backed out of the driveway and accidentally fatally injured his grandchild. He came to the meeting and never said a word. For weeks. Then another grandfather joined the group and he, too, had inadvertently caused the death of his grandchild. These two men never spoke at the meeting. But somehow, God joined them, and they became friends. They did not come back after a time, but it seemed that they could say to each other, what they could not say to anyone else.
- encourage them to speak about their loss and emotions with someone . . . .
Sometimes a family or close friend may not be the best choice for grievers to talk to; they may be experiencing grief themselves. It is not uncommon for mourners to have purged their grief with a stranger they hardly knew. If they have trouble verbally expressing themselves, you may suggest writing a letter to the deceased telling them things they might have said or didn’t say; or any regrets they may have.
- visit or stop by occasionally even for a few minutes . . . .
It is uplifting for them if you visit bereaved persons, especially widows or widowers, who now spend time alone. Bring a small gift, even a book of additional support or a magazine on bereavement. They will know they are not alone; others are going through similar losses. And they will enjoy the break.
- get them out of the house and go for a walk . . .
The bereaved sometimes become motionless in their grief and stay at home. Offer to go for a walk with him/her - walking is good for depression and releases endorphins, a group of chemicals produced in the brain that reduce pain and improve mood. It might allow him or her to open up and release some pent-up feelings while walking and feeling companionship. Remember - caring, presence and especially listening.
- calendar and note the birthday and anniversary dates of the deceased….
Their survivors feel the loss especially on these dates and may experience setbacks in their healing. Remember to call them with an uplifting call on those days. You don’t have to mention the date, but, if they do, give them reassurance or if in person, give them a hug.
Holidays, especially Thanksgiving and Christmas, Hanukah, etc., are very hard for the survivors, especially if it was a person who lived with them. It changes their whole life atmosphere to have that person absent. Try to include them or their family in some way, either by phone, mail or in person to let them know they are being thought of. I buy extra Valentine cards and small tuck-ins like hankies or small articles and mail them to friends who have lost their mates; Valentine’s Day can be an exceptionally lonely day for someone who is now alone. Love is always welcome. Their thankfulness at being remembered warms their hearts and your own as well.
- suggest a physical with a physician and/or a visit to a therapist if the survivor is having difficulty adjusting and seems to be backsliding more than moving forward . . . .
Unresolved grief can cause depression or even suicidal tendencies. If you notice during visiting that the mourner seems distracted, unkempt, depressed or not themselves, be a friend and tell a family member or gently suggest that you’d be happy to take them to see a doctor. You can also place the person’s name on a prayer chain, which is a personal or church community network that enables many persons to pray for a person. Personally, I believe in prayer chains - I’ve seen miraculous recoveries of healing occur when many prayers are offered up for a person or cause. Some say they ‘felt the prayer uplift them’. “For where two or three are gathered together in My name, I am there in the midst of them." Matthew 18:19
- offer to take them to church . . . .
Since death usually raises spiritual issues, and people are either strengthened in their faith or are turned off and mad at God, offer to join them in prayer services at your church or their place of worship. You may offer to read Scripture or passages in the Bible together. If you share faith with them, they may share their sorrow with God, the Great Comforter. Let it be their choice.
Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. Matthew 5:4
