There are any number of websites where you can find answers or double-check your instincts regarding questions of wedding etiquette. Sometimes, however, you run into a particularly thorny subject that’s emotionally-charged and for which there IS no recognized “correct” protocol. As the options in styles and types of wedding celebrations has increased over the years–far beyond what was traditional when the society matrons of yesteryear were laying down the rules–sometimes you may find yourself having to chart new territory in trying to do things “the right way.” And usually, if you examine social conventions and tradition, you can find an answer pointing in the direction of which side of the fence the decision should fall.
It was thus that I found myself, as my daughter’s wedding approached, going fruitlessly from one wedding website to the next; and, finding little or nothing there, reading pages of highly-opinionated blogs–and yet still not coming out with a definitive answer to the question: what if one prefers not to have children at one’s wedding? How can you say you want an “adults only” wedding without making it sound as if your bridesmaids will be strippers?
The advice given then diverged into how to arrange a separate party either in a sequestered room at the venue or a nearby hotel, hiring nannies to provide supervision and entertainment–games, balloons, movies, refreshments & favors–for children while their parents attended the wedding. (WHAT? And how much is THAT going to cost? Oh–and by the way, did we mention we’re kind of busy planning the actual wedding right now?)
These don’t actually sound like CLOSE family and friends, who know you well and care about your plans for your celebration. They sound like people who think there’s only one way to have a wedding, and react as though the question was not a simple matter of the couple’s preference, but of challenging the couple’s right to even HAVE a preference.
Our decision: we were going to have to chart some of that New Territory, based on common sense and backed by the precedent of a couple of centuries of social custom that holds that the time of day of an event dictates the level of formality of attire and also whether or not it’s appropriate to include children. If the event begins toward dinnertime and stretches into the evening, that’s a pretty strong indicator that this is not an event designed with kids in mind. Then again, there’s the common-sense aspect of it: first of all, if we are issuing the invitations, shouldn’t we get to plan the event? And secondly, for an evening of dancing and cocktails–would parents bring their children to an evening cocktail party? To a cocktail lounge? Is this an atmosphere that will be enjoyable and to the best benefit of the child? Obviously not.
How we got the word out and resolved the issue: we set up a personal wedding-website page. Several of the larger wedding websites, such as “The Knot,” offer FREE wedding web pages (or you can buy a more complex wedding website package that you can customize as much as you like). In describing the evening event on the website, emphasizing dancing and cocktails, we pointed out how unreasonable it seemed to expect overtired, end-of-day children younger than 12, to sit through such an event, and recommended that the celebration be viewed as a parents’ night out. We then put the website address on the “Save the Date” reminders that we mailed out about 4 months in advance. There was initially some pretty vocal resistance, to which we were polite but firm. Invitations (both inner and outer envelopes) were specifically addressed to adult guests, not their children. Only one couple ended up not attending–as it happens, the ones whose children we were most concerned about. Mostly, couples with children at home seemed relaxed and pleased to be having an evening out, nicely dressed, to spend with each other in a romantic atmosphere.
As in so many aspects of life, communication proved to be the key: the “Save the Date” announcements directed people to the website, and the website communicated our “no children” request far in advance and in a reasonable way: not because are evil trolls who hate your children, but because this is not a children’s party. Later, when the invitations arrived addressed to adult guests only, this confirmed that there had not been a change in plans.
So I say to other brides and mothers-of-brides who are being beaten up in the blogs for choosing a grown-up affair: you CAN have it the way you want it, and avoid hurting most people’s feelings. This was our blueprint for getting there.
12.02.08
