As a concerned citizen, I felt my civic duty as a proud red-blooded American to help my fellow brothers and sisters prepare for the eminent alien invasion. I would certainly be remiss if I didn’t help protect my fellow citizens with the same thoughtful tips in case of a zombie uprising. There is always the possibility they will attack first and I prefer living assistants to help me fend off the extra-terrestrial invaders.
What causes zombies? Well, there are many causes and much scientific debate over this phenomenae. Bad voodoo, industrial chemicals, government viral tampering, or too many seasons of American Idol are the most common sources that make the dead boogie. The characteristics of zombies are usually a lack of any sense of fashion or hygiene, guttural grunting, and a lunging, lurching walk. I realize that can describe most people’s uncle so it can be confusing. Zombies don’t need oxygen so if you observe a creature moving but not breathing, it is either a zombie or a teenager. If you play Michael Jackson’s “Thriller”, the zombie will immediately start dancing so this will help you sort out the zombies from the teenagers.
Zombies hunger for fresh brains. They are NOT blood suckers like vampires. They are just your basic undead carnivore with a relatively simple palette. They are healthy eaters and hate to waste food., which is one of they’re good points. Because they like brains, they prefer college campuses and the east and west coasts. Southern zombies tend to “die” quickly from a lack of nutrition. If you are bitten by a zombie, consider this the highest form of flattery. It also will unfortunately turn you into a zombie. This is basically their coitus ritual. If you do not like the taste of brains, I highly recommend you avoid being bitten by a zombie, no matter how fetching or seductive he or she may be. Zombies are quite persistent, even more so than Jehovah’s Witness pushing Watchtower, or that guy selling Sham-Wows on late night television. Zombies really have no curfew since they require no sleep although they can run out of steam, with steam being brains in this case. They also aren’t very co-ordinated since their tissues have suffered varying degrees of rigor mortis and decay. However, in large numbers, they can pose a serious threat so I don’t recommend you try taking a group photo. To destroy a zombie, you can;t be timid. A good skull-crush or decapitation is pretty much all she wrote for the zombie but body blows of any type only tickle and tease them at best and only infuriate the poor zombie. Remember zombies are people too and they are just hungry and looking for brain food. Any tactics recommended in this article will have the same effect on Paris Hilton as well. She obviously has no interest in brains but men, gird your loins!
The next article will contain certain strategies, where to hide, recommended weapons of choice, possible antidotes, and also business opportunities in the new post-Apocalyptic world.
