When a couple is expecting their first child, there is much excitement and joy with anticipation of what it will be like once they are a family, now with a baby to care for. The father-to-be and the mother-to-be no doubt dream different dreams and have separate anticipations upon the baby’s arrival. But, how will the relationship of husband and wife change once the baby arrives on the scene?
For starters, most babies demand a lot of attention a lot of the time, especially in the very beginning. This can be draining on both parents. Especially if the mother is nursing the child, she is the primary caregiver to the baby. This makes her very tired because most babies only allow 2 hours or so of sleep at a time in the very beginning. On top of this, her body has just gone through 9 months of carrying a thriving, growing human being, several hours of labor & a delivery from which she is recovering. The toll this can take on the mother can be very tiring, even though the baby is very wanted & loved.
The husband, quite often, has become accustomed to being the one person whom his wife dotes over. She has, in many cases, spent much of the relationship paying close attention to what he has to say, and caring for his variety of needs and desires. This shift of attention on his wife’s part from him to the baby can be alarming to many new fathers. Even though the father loves this new baby and would give his own life for this child if necessary, he may feel twinges of jealousy as he watches his wife now doting over a tiny little baby instead of him. This may sound selfish. Perhaps it is, but it is the truth so much of the time.
Of course, with the birth of the baby, the wife will obviously be restricted from intimacy that marriage brings - the kind that started this whole process of bringing this child into the world to begin with. If she had a typical birth, this will be restricted for 6 weeks. If a c-section, this will be prolonged to 8 weeks. Regardless, the wife may not feel like being intimate for 3 months or more after the birth of the baby. Hormones are partially to blame; fatigue and tiredness are partially to blame; and, the physical healing that takes place in some births where situations such as tearing, etc. occurred, the wife may fear the pain involved to become intimate again. A patient, gentle and caring husband helps in every regard when intimacy is involved.
Aside from the attention shift and the change of pace with intimacy, there are good things that happen in the relationship as well. A special bond has been formed between the three of you - mother, father and baby - that cannot be broken. This is a relationship - mother/baby - father/baby - that is like no other. Just the sight of daddy gently holding the tiny baby sets off happy feelings in the wife as she feels connected to the tender side of her husband. It’s a miraculous, almost magical thing that happens when a baby enters the relationship to form a family.
The husband will see his wife in ways he may never have imagined such as when she sings silly songs to make baby happy, etc. The wife will see the husband in ways she never imagined such as when his large strong arms hold his tiny infant that she brought forth into this world, for the very first time. When the baby grows and daddy gets down on all 4’s and child climbs on his back to ride horseback, when daddy arrives homes from work to hear child running screaming "daadddddy" All these are special bonds, special moments that cannot be taken back from a loving family.
The beginning is rough and tiring and even painful at times. But, these months really go quickly, and the family bond begins to form. There is a shift in attention on the woman’s part. But, there is also a shift of attention, hopefully, on the husband’s part as well as he begins to care for his wife’s needs, especially in the beginning when she is so tired. If she is nursing, he can bring the baby to her in the middle of the night or if not, feed the baby on shifts taking turns. He can prepare food for her or order out and bring it to her as she sits to care for and nurse the child. There are so many ways that the husband can help the wife, the wife can be there for the husband and all can care for baby.
Keep a level head amongst the tiring difficult long hours of bringing home a new baby, and the rest will fall into place. Remember that these days will pass and the relationship will only be stronger, if you allow it to grow opening your arms wide to welcome baby. Most importantly, always remember that as a parent, the days seem so long, like they’ll never end, but the years are short and go by so quickly. Far too soon, this child will be raised and on their own, and it will be just husband and wife at home again. Make sure you keep that relationship strong in the process.
