When looking at a personal or group conflict, your attention perhaps is drawn first to the issues causing the fight. You think that by getting a more fair distribution of the resources (money, attention, use of the family car, promotion and fame, power and control, etc.) then people will be happier and the dispute will go away. I have news for you: People fight because they need to feel better about themselves by imagining that the scarce resource will make them happy….So, when fighting with your loved ones, or your friends, you are doing each other a favor, you are cooperating in their learning…and yours. Here you have a new perspective:
a) look not at the issues, but at the people;
b) ask yourself: what are their motivations to have a fight now?
c) focus on the needs: what needs do they have now, that they are willing to fight for?
d) find a way to put those needs in words: "how much money do you need to receive as to feel respected and valued at your job place"?
It all begins when we are children and try to get our mother’s exclusive attention by making a dispute with other brothers. What counts as the final score is who did she attend to first? meaning: who is the preferred child? You can try to have duplicate toy trucks for each boy, (solving the "issue to fight about" problem) but the question behind the constant squabbling remains unsolved: who is the one most loved?
To accept that we create the conflicts we need to grow up and develop, and obtain satisfaction:
A) We accept that there will be confrontation in our life,
B) We choose to manage confrontations by avoiding escalation, attacks and automatic revenge, and controlling our anger,
C) We learn to listen carefully to complaints provided by our so called “enemies",
D) We sincerely examine ourselves to see how, given the inter-connectedness we are in, we helped produce the dispute,
E) We ask ourselves:
- How can I learn from this dispute? What is in me that needs change?
- What new skill do I need to learn now to re-connect with this person and be able work together or part in peace?
- What do I need to change so this kind of dispute never happens again?
- How can I be grateful to my "enemy" for teaching me this lesson?
