Pregnancy can be one of the most wondrous events in the human experience. Between loving and dedicated couples, pregnancy can be a time of shared joy and bonding in the face of a burgeoning new life.
However, pregnancy can also be a time of intensity of emotion that is difficult to convey in any rational way. Both men and women are affected by the roller coaster, and there are areas of sensitivities that both men and women need to be aware of for the sake of relationship sanity.
Some of these areas are awkward, and there are few ways to frame them in a genteel way. Many women go through some form of this awkwardness; many men carelessly (but not maliciously) chalk women’s feelings up to hormones. This is not all men and women, of course. There are women who never have feelings of inadequacy, just as there are men who view women as their most beautiful during pregnancy. Asserting that most couples expecting a child go through this is daring and presumptuous at best; however, acknowledging that many couples do experience this is prudent.
To be fair to men, I will note up front that guys are visually stimulated creatures. This does not change simply because the woman he loves is carrying his child. However, too frequently, it is used as an excuse for other behaviors that leave many women feeling less than attractive. In some cases, this feeling carries into post-partum life, and in ways that can have an emotionally wearing impact on even the most solid of relationships.
In an attempt to be gentle to male sensitivity that would immediately cause denial of this trait, I will note that my husband is an extremely kind and sensitive man. Even he unwittingly fell into this trap. He would deny it, just as any man who loves his partner will. Denial ain’t just a river in Egypt, though, and words fall thin when actions speak more loudly.
I read this article during one of the less-than-pleasant moments of pregnancy and felt the reverberations of it all the way to my core. The article notes that:
"…men are primarily concerned with physical attributes, we are attracted to women mainly because of physical beauty…It is this one factor that creates a lot of the emotional trauma during pregnancy, for the man. You see, when the last trimester sets in and the woman starts to go through all the changes in her body, it can become a real struggle for a man. Why? Simply because he is losing the one quality, that makes him feel like his woman is the most precious gem on earth, her physical beauty. Now, some may argue that women are rather beautiful during pregnancy, that maybe true, but for most men that attraction that first drew them in, is lost for a while…How does a man then deal with this dilemma of losing the quality that most attracted him to his lady? It can be difficult and some men can even turn they backs and walk away, and never return. The man goes hunting again for the physical quality that he longs for and that he perceives he has temporarily lost. Perhaps as men we focus too much on the physical and fail to connect with the other qualities that are outstanding in our women. Maybe there is a part of man that will always have that craving for physical beauty…"
I was sick with what I perceived to be something so incredibly shallow by a man who very clearly loves his wife. I thought that the trait must be something that is hard-wired in men, because what woman on earth would feed into that mindset? I was wrong. I found this article about how to feel attractive during pregnancy. In this article, the author says, "…if your guy isn’t as interested as he used to be, ask him why, and then take what he says at face value. Most likely he really is telling you the truth – guys have some freaky fears about sex with pregnant women. If he isn’t, if he really and truly deep down doesn’t find you attractive any more, at least he knows to bluff about it. If that’s the case, you wouldn’t really want to hear the cold, hard truth anyway, would you?" The real moral of that story is that women have fallen victim to the "lie to yourself" mentality just as much as men have.
No man, no matter how sensitive he is, can truly understand precisely how vulnerable many women feel during pregnancy. My personal feeling was, "I don’t blame him if he doesn’t want to make love to me," as I looked in the mirror, "if I was a man, I wouldn’t want to make love to that either." This should make it very clear to men . . . women often feel fat and ugly during pregnancy. Chances are, if she was sexually responsive before she became pregnant, she genuinely desires that intimacy during pregnancy. Too often, men will claim fear of hurting the fetus, fear of hurting the pregnant partner, or lack of libido to steer away from providing that level of intimacy. The reality is, barring any extenuating medical circumstances, sexual intimacy is safe to all parties involved up until the very end of pregnancy.
What the men who are guilty of this behavior do not realize, are that the feelings of inadequacy created by this dilemma extend well after the pregnancy has culminated. Some men will talk in cute innuendo during the 6-week waiting period after the woman has given birth. To a woman who has been denied intimacy, this rings false. Sometimes the woman herself is not even aware of a possible underlying resentment that was created during pregnancy - to the point that even well after the 6-week waiting period has passed, no matter how amorous she may have been prior to pregnancy, she does not have any desire to risk further rejection afterward. This can be an even heavier burden if she endured a Caesarian section and is healing from that.
While it is true that exhaustion plays a huge role in libido levels in both men and women following childbirth, often for women there is a continued sense of vulnerability and inadequacy that carries over from pregnancy. This is true even if the partner told her every day during her pregnancy how beautiful he thought she was. Words continue to ring thin when actions fail to back those words up. What may have been seemingly "logical" during pregnancy can result in a form of passive-aggressive punishment afterward.
None of this is designed to make men feel guilty. However, men need to be aware of possible outcroppings of their own behaviors during pregnancy if they desire to have any sane sex life afterward. For women, pregnancy is quite often a joyous occasion, and they are not frequently keen on expressing sometimes hidden emotions that may hide behind a peacefully smiling expression.
I guess the real moral of the story is, if she was beautiful enough to be impregnated in the first place, then she should be treated as beautifully during pregnancy and afterward. One of her greatest fears during pregnancy is rejection. If you reject her, even accidentally, be prepared for fallout afterward.
