I never understood how that could happen until my husband’s job took over his life, making it hard for him to be around when I needed his help with a variety of household and life-altering decisions. Once our daughter was born, it became apparent that I would be raising her much of the time alone. The impact of this didn’t hit me until recently when she had her preschool graduation and I explained to her that Daddy couldn’t take time off of work for it, but that she would see him later. Her answer was "That’s ok, he’s not invited." And just like that, I saw her logic in writing him out of her life (in part). It made me so incredibly sad to see how well she had been coping with the unpredictibility of not having my husband around for her on a regular basis.
Also recently, I came across a magazine article that talked about how many women are faced with the role of both parental duties in marriage, and to me it shouldn’t be the ever-growing "norm". I suppose there are also situations where the roles are reversed, where the husband is the primary caregiver, if the wife is career-driven. But what really is best in those situations? Doesn’t it affect our children?
Learning to cope
Children grow accustomed to repeated occurences. Therefore it is crucial that during infancy and preschool years, both parents must be involved. Unfortunately, this is not possible in many households. In mine, my husband did make up for the times he wasn’t home by doing special things with our daughter, but those times have not been near enough. Yet, children survive and continue to depend on whoever can provide them with love and constant attention. That’s not to say they won’t miss their other parent, because my daughter surely misses her father when she’s been around him and then has to watch him leave the house for work. And lately, she’s been determined to stay at home with her father when he’s home. While I can’t blame her, it makes me wonder if having him around some of the time is worse than not seeing him at all. So what can be done for keeping the family together when work schedules make that impossible?
Have a least one family activity
The family that plays together, stays together. Really, whether it’s meals, going somewhere, or actually playing a game, that time together is so valuable. Of course, it doesn’t mean that you will automatically get help with housework, or other errands that you have been dogging your spouse about, but you can at least get a much-needed break and have fun for this set time. It can be a once-a-week dinner together, or a monthly visit to the zoo. For young children, I recommend something at least once a week with the whole family present.
If your spouse can’t commit to a planned activity because of his or her unpredictible schedule, it’s up to you as the main parent to provide your children with a planned activity to look forward to, regardless. In our house, Friday nights are movie nights. We make popcorn, stay up late, and have a pajama party. It’s a great way for my daughter to unwind after a hectic week, and she has something exciting to look forward to.
When your spouse’s absence becomes frustrating…
That’s when it’s time to take a breather. Believe me, I know it’s not easy to wake up, be responsible for yourself and a child in the morning, take her to school on your way to work (or back home), and then pick her up again and keep her amused until bedtime. At times, it has been a complete nightmare for me! I love my daughter very much, but there are days when I am so stressed out and just want to crawl into a hole. That’s when I know it’s time to get reinforcements. If your spouse is not available, allow the grandparents or other relatives or friends to help you. Swap playdate times with your friends who also have kids. You need to be able to have your sanity if you expect to give the best of yourself to everything that beckons you. Let’s face it, Wonderwoman doesn’t exist! You need to recharge, or else you will snap - usually at your children or spouse. And it won’t be pretty. So keep your schedule from becoming hard for you to manage by having a flexible schedule. I realize you might also have a demanding job in addition to your family commitments, but it’s important not to overbook yourself, or else you will constantly be irritable at everyone for them robbing you of your valuable time. And lastly, take advantage of having a shoulder to cry on - your friends to confide in when you need them. That way you’re not overwhelming your spouse with all the pent-up thoughts you’ve had when you finally get to spend time together.
