Yes, it’s coming up on us fast–the Mother, if you’ll pardon the pun–of all Hallmark Holidays. True, I recognize that it was the inspiration of Anna Jarvis, and did achieve official presidential recognition in 1914. But it still rubs many the wrong way: “Why do we have to be told to have a particular day to treat our mothers well?”–that’s based on the assumption that most of us ARE grateful for all the unconditional love and support that our mothers have provided throughout our lifetimes, and take the time to show that gratitude by treating them pretty well anyway.
For those who mean well but simply don’t make the time to let Mom know they’re thinking of her, then if nothing else, the irritating commercial reminders serve as a tap on the shoulder and a reminder to pull their heads out of–well, their own lives–and pay some attention to Mom.
There are all kinds of touching things that children can do at little or no cost, to make Mothers’ Day special–homemade cards so treasured that they will be found in a drawer 40 years later, or breakfast in bed (she won’t care that it’s just toast); cleaning the house or weeding the garden. It doesn’t matter if these things seem trite and overdone–the very fact that they’re such childhood classics is part of their charm.
But this article is aimed at adult “children.”
As life has evolved into a frantically-paced hamster wheel where–especially in this economy —you’re lucky to have a job at all (and may be putting in extra hours to make sure that yours is not the next position to be cut); taking care of your own kids; trying to maintain your own home; and policing the spending of every dollar to try to save for an uncertain future–or, worse, you’ve suffered a layoff, are depressed and exhausted by sending out reams of resumes, and certainly don’t have anything extra to spend. Plus, you don’t want to worry Mom about whether you’ll be okay–and it’s no fun to paste on a phony happy-face to go for a visit, pretending you’re not preoccupied with your own situation. Well, sometimes, as your mother probably taught you, you have to rise above it.
If your mom doesn’t live nearby, your children can still make Grandma home-made cards. No matter how many stickers they stick on it, you’re going to be able to mail it for under 50 cents, or several in one big envelope for about $1.00. If you have some recent photos of you and the kids from your digital camera–so that you know you can print more copies for yourself later (when you can afford to replace the stinking ink cartridges in your printer)–toss them in the envelope with the kids’ cards. She will love the pictures themselves, and she’ll love to be able to share them with friends.
In this day and age of computer-generated everything–e-mails and robotic phone calls–consider making a card on your own (men–I’m talking to you, too)–use a blank notecard that you have laying around in a drawer somewhere, or fold a piece of colored paper in half, just like your kids did for their cards, and glue a photo of you and/or your kids on the front. On the inside, write out in your own handwriting (which nobody has seen in years), “Mom, did you ever know how grateful I am . . .”–and make small list of the things that most apply to you, each one on a separate line. Examples:
“. . . that you always encourage me.”
“. . . that you always think the best of me.”
“. . . that I always know you love me, every single day, that it makes me a stronger person, and that I return it in full measure.”
“. . . that you always manage to be cheerful, no matter what.”
“. . . that you always did make the best peanut butter cookies!”
“. . . that you nagged me into finishing high school/college/ practicing the piano, etc.”
“. . . that you’ve always been there when I needed you.”
“. . . for your help with my own kids. You’re like the encyclopedia for crying babies!”
“. . . that you gave me the values I’m trying to teach my own children.”
“. . . that you always had a quote for everything. I’m using them all the time.”
“. . . that you never did tell Dad about that little incident with the car.”
You don’t have to make it a big list, not more than 2 or 3 items. Just sincere–something loving, something grateful, something humorous. If the list above doesn’t suit you, make up your own. Sign it (you might even sign it humorously, like “Jimmy M., age 46,”) and send it. It will take half an hour, tops, and she will treasure it always.
The most longed-for gift you could give your mother costs nothing–it is TIME WITH YOU. Yes, in the past you’ve sent a commercial card, or each year’s “F.T.D. Mothers’ Day Special” floral arrangement. No time investment, and it allowed you to basically cover the Mothers’ Day issue with a minimal monetary outlay.
The thing is, Mom doesn’t need an insanely-priced greeting card, or flowers that will be dead in 3 days, leaving her with yet another novelty container. If your mom doesn’t live within driving distance, when you send the simple, heartfelt home-made card or note, then if your budget will allow it at all, slip in a long-distance phone card, even for $10–certainly good for at least long one phone call whenever she feels like it. And CALL HER on ‘the day’ (many, if not most, cell phones have free long distance.) It’s common that phone circuits may be busy on the holiday itself, but keep trying on Mother’s Day to place a call to her until you can get through Or outsmart the circuits by calling the day or evening before. It’s important that the contact be initiated by you, not by her. Let her hear your voice, and let her chat as long as she wants. True, you’re not there, but it’s still “time with you” that she doesn’t normally get.
If your mom does live within driving distance, whether it’s you alone or you have children, make a plan to visit her on either Saturday or Sunday of the Mothers’ Day weekend–don’t make it a surprise visit, since you may have siblings who are making plans, too; either get on the same page with your siblings, or arrange something separate for you and/or your family. With a minimal outlay such as orange juice and perhaps the homelike goodness of Trader Joe’s blueberry scones (you can buy 3 for the price of one commercial greeting card), you can have a simple “brunch” at her place, and a leisurely visit. The handwritten-card will be just as lovely delivered in person as by mail–perhaps more so, because you’ll be able to see her reaction to it. Afterwards, if you have a local park, university campus or arboretum that’s in beautiful bloom, take her for an unrushed drive, maybe stopping for a picture of her and the kids in front of the colorful azaleas, which she will love later. The point is to not make her feel like you’re “squeezing her in” and anxious to leave.
If she lives alone, your Mother’s Day gift could be to announce upon your arrival that you’re the Mother’s Day Handyperson–and instead of the drive after brunch, repair that running toilet, change the lightbulbs in fixtures she can’t reach, the batteries in her cordless phone; hang the wallpaper border she bought for her bathroom, or help her understand the remote to her new TV. Outside, there may be trees or shrubs to be trimmed, or the debris of winter to be raked out of flowerbeds and bagged up for the trash (kids can help with this, too).
Or, if she seldom gets out, put on an inexpensive pot roast for a tasty early dinner, and invite her (or pick her up, especially if she doesn’t drive or prefers not to drive at night) to spend the afternoon at your house. After the early dinner, you could run an old video that all generations would enjoy–something like “Arsenic and Old Lace”–followed by dessert, then see her home. If your children are older–or grown–perhaps they could join you for dinner or stop by during the afternoon. Again, a photo now will be a treasure later.
What was one of her many sayings? That actions speak louder than words? It’s true. And they speak louder than gifts, as well. Especially on Mother’s Day.
04.29.09
