This movie review of "Orphan" is designed for those of you on medication; meaning it’s supposed to make you laugh!
"I am not your f((()ing mother" said the bold mother kicking the diabolical orphan into the pond." But does this Jason/Freddy type creature called Esther survive the movie. She had an overbite that a Oregon beaver would envied. She had more freckles than a melanoma study group. Esther wore more ribbons than some "Save The Ta-ta’s" convention. Point why in the bloody hell can you pink ribbon wearing people call it "Breast Cancer Prevention" instead sounding like some Arkansas trailer park commoner’s saying it very slowly "We call it saving the Ta-ta’s there bugga!" Please a little class. You are not getting a penny from me until you change that logo. Save the Ta-ta’s; more like save your dignity with a logo like Save Breasts (SB). I mean there it is for you, not something your Uncle Freddy came up with before he went to the club!
Now back to Orphan. If you like hammers, blood, and tree houses on fire, then this movie won’t scare you. This movie is highly recommended for those of you out there pondering adopting any orphans out there. This Esther has been in out of more rehab than Amy Winehouse or Eminem! For those of you who have played the PS Game "Bully," then you will get this movie. The line of the movie comes from one of her peers:"Wait I just got a text from Little Bo Peep, She wants her outfit back!" But Esther breaks her advisory’s ankle using her adroit manipulation, and like the rapper Bonecrusher said "Never Scared,’ she welds pistols, knives, and lighters. She has moves than Reggie Bush and more attempted murders than that Green River Killer. Ester, comes to be found out by the pill headed drunk mother, is from a mental asylum in Romania. She has already killed more families than Dafur.
Vera Faramiga (plays Mrs.Coleman) the recovery alcoholic music teacher. To be real, her contacts are North Carolina Tar Heel Blue Colored. She looks like she is in some zone like a substitute teacher. To her credit, she had a weak script, and her jeans were tighter than a tourniquet I used to use in Iraqi. Point blank, her wardrobe in the movie resembled Bad(not Good) Will. The best actor in the movie beside the little boy who played Daniel (Jimmy Bennett) was the mute little girl. She made more hand moves than a Wii game. Yet Aryana Engineer (what agent put that on her?) will be in many movies to go. Hopefully next time it will come with a speaking part.
As it pertains to Esther (Isabelle Furman), it appears Esther spoke with more salvia than your college professor after 50. The implication here is, Esther is supposed to have a slight lisp. But to be real some of these movies are going too far. In one scene she tries to make a move on the weak hubby Mr. Coleman. And not to mention this actor always plays the parts of some indecisive character. Maybe in movie he will actually kick ass, instead of having his ass kicked. The point here Hollywood is trying to put child porn flakes in our cereal viewing box. Sorry take off the stupid hat and admit it Jaume Collet-Serra you tried to go over the top with some lame child making a move on Daddy Dearest!
For those of you parents out there who lack tough love, better start putting on a helmet, and trying some corporal punishment. But you will let your kids manipulate you like Esther. Nonetheless Her outfits were selected by the Nolo (not Polo), Braff(not Ralph) Fauren (foreign) Group. No actually it was Choknel (Chanel). The director made this kid smarter than Stephen Hawking. Hell she was playing Tchaikovsky with more rapidity than rights by Brock Lesner (UFC Champ). The shrink in this film certainly could have used a makeover, but fashion designers can’t help with glands. She had more depth within her chin than the Pittsburgh Steeler Roster (get it depth of chin with roster)! If you make a movie without much drama other than a hammer, knife, and pistol, then dress your thespians with outfits you don’t see at your neighbor’s garage sell. Like Mr. Coleman’s suede jacket looked more like a fillet (rhymes with suede to combine with fillet). Check this link out to see they even left the ugly "Orphan" main character’s pic off this site LOL:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1148204/. Was this an oversite or a calculation to ensure if attendance ratings were done, the producers could claim some type of innocence? Peter Saarsgard (Mr. Coleman) always seemed stoned in the movie and totally clueless to Esther’s deceit. That is why he ended up being a knife rack on his back at the end of the movie. He bled out more than the French did during the battle of the Marne in WWI. We all know the body only holds five liters. Hell Mr. Coleman’s torso had about 50. I mean you could see him still bleeding during the credits. I heard Esther was trying to attack her sitter in between takes. The grips had to hide the hammers on the set for fear Esther would game for them.
One thing is for sure, if you are contemplating a trip to Connecticut, better think again. Their roads resemble two lanes on Highway 17 through SC and GA. It seemed during the shooting of the movie the Sun even shied away from Esther. At the end of the movie of course it is revealed that is Esther is really 30 due to some disease, whatever!
Along with this movie review, my CD rack has more company now. The great new group Daughtry (pronounce that for me please). One clue for these fab five fellows; either go long or short hair. You have one on the cover with a "No Hawk." Then another artist in this group uses fish oil for conditioner. He favors his countenance with a "Hi I am a tough man." With that to the music. The first single "You Don’t Belong" has of course made this CD number one on Billboard (Bill is bored) this week. The rest of this from RCA (Rejected Constantly by All) is a waste of money. Please sample tunes on Amzon.com or Itunes.com before you buy the entire Opus (work) please. Because both Drawtery and Dim Lavatory both suckered me in spending bones on their respective pop wonders. Look if you are under 25, you’ll dig both, but if over or mature, sample before you slide your plastic.
Forgive my ramblings, or mental drippings, or Etruscan canal views! To be candid, no one out there even comes close to this humor. With God as my help, I won’t always be sitting in SC pounding these keys for a small fee. It’s LA for me, and then I will be free. Cannot say the B word, but peace out! I challenge any writter in the world to out box, out pin, out dim (stars which should not shine like the casts in this movie). This movie is not a B rated but DNC (Do Not See) badge of shame. Don’t even wait for the DVD, or Netflix. If Netflix does rent it out, bet the site will crash for fear Esther will put some virus on its’ site!
This is T.o.C.(The Observer Cole) or COLE BOLCHOZ. CHECK OUT JULY 31 LA Talk Radio @5PM PST or @8PM EST my radio show on Twittering, Blogging, Hip-hop and Pop Music, Obama, and stuck up Celebes who never twit back at you!!!!
