Taking control of unruly children can be challenging! But this is a fact you know, and I am sure you are here to learn something new; something that will help turn your little drama queens into pure princesses. Something that will turn your life into less of a hassle. Am I right? If you have a little dear or darling who is turning your life into a regular circus act, then this article is for you!
Understanding
As will all things in life, it is hard to handle something we don’t understand. Unruly children are another of life’s mysteries, that can take some time to understand. Thankfully, I have done much of the leg work for you! Lets go over some reasons that younger and older children can become so intolerable.
Overindulgence
This is a real problem, that came about in the 90’s more than anything, and stems from that saying: "I want my kids to have all the things I never had." If you are one of the parents who wants to give your kids all the joys you never had, take a moment to contemplate the situation first. Did you ever stop to think that maybe you didn’t get everything you wanted for a reason? Even the poorest families have the ability to spoil their kids, but they don’t always.
As kids ourselves, we saw this as cruel or unfair, pushing many of us to vow never to treat our kids the same way. We want our offspring to be happy, have lots of friends, toys and all the things we wanted when we were their age. But it’s not always good to let them have everything they want. Know why?
Because it spoils them! They go rotten like sour grapes, and the results of spoiling and overindulging our children can be hard to reverse. As may be experienced by parents of older children. Imagine how hard it is for your child: you have given them everything they want, up until now, and now you want them to act like well-behaved kids, even though you aren’t giving them everything they want. Fat chance!
We will go over some tricks to reverse the effects if you have inadvertently spoiled your kids and want to see a change. Don’t beat yourself up too much if this is you–your heart was in a good place to start out. Just consider it a lesson learned.
Bad Examples
Many parents today started their role as a parent, much earlier than they really should have. Not because they couldn’t be good parents, but because they still had a lot of growing up left to do before being able to be good role models for their kids.
But you can’t put a baby back, and most of us are so connected–bonded–by the birth, that it is too hard–we wouldn’t consider–giving our unexpected offspring up. So we struggle through our young lives, trying to balance ourselves out while taking care of another life. This type of thing is never easy, and each person handles it differently.
Those parents who started particularly young have even more issues, though, because since they are young, they are still seeking out a good job, a good relationship and a good temperament. This impacts the kids, because they see all the things we do when we are still young. Acting rudely to spouses or lovers, quitting jobs, moving, swearing, drug use and other dramatic things that come into all of our lives when we are young.
In order for a child to grow and behave according to how we feel they should, they have to have a good example. This isn’t "Do what I say, not what I do." Children between the ages of 2 and 10 don’t understand that philosophy. They will mimic you, even if you tell them a thousand times not to, and when you learn that your behavior is bad and start to change it, it might already be ingrained in the kids, so that the habit persists in them.
This is something that can be changed, but again, it is something that takes a while to reverse. And while we must take our responsibility for being a bad example when we didn’t know better, there is no reason to put up the white flag and give up on actively parenting. It just takes persistence and determination to see that change happens and sticks around.
Neglect
Boy, that is a nasty word that no one wants to hear. Yet and still, it is a word that comes up a lot when it comes to ill-behaved younglings.
It’s easier than most would like to consider, to neglect our kids. Especially with the invention of cable television and video games. We get so busy trying to keep up with our lives, earn money, find love and keep groceries in the house, that we forget how much time we are missing with our kids.
A long day at work or taking care of the house and you don’t want to come home and play ring around the rosy. No, you want the kids to sit and behave themselves and to leave you alone for a while. When days off come around, many parents often feel the pull of chores or extra things that need to be done, and instead of making time for the kids, we make time for the other things that need to be done.
Neglecting to spend enough positive time with out kids is often a leading cause of mis-behavior. It has to be changed, if you want them to change.
Health
This something that is widely overlooked, as it is generally considered to be external problems, or emotional problems that cause kids to misbehave. Yet, would you believe that a child’s nutrition has a lot to do with their behavior? So does their overall health.
A child who is a bit constipated can find themselves very emotional, and not even realize why. Which means that a little regular prune juice and you could have your sweet little angel back!
However, there are also many other health issues that warrant a doctor’s visit to get things under control. Some things that can cause erratic behavior in kids:
*Lactose Intolerance *Too Much Sugar
*Urinary Tract Infections (UTI) *Flu or Cold Bugs
*Diabetes *Not enough Vitamins, or an improper diet
I have to say, that if your kids eat mostly junk food, changing them to a more balanced and hopefully home-cooked meal schedule will move mountains and build bridges that will help them their whole lives, and make your current life easier.
So we have gone over the most likely causes of your child’s bad behavior. Over-Indulgence/Spoiling, Bad Examples, Neglect or Health.
These aren’t all the reasons that a child will misbehave, but they are common. Other common reasons a child’s behavior might "seem sour lately"
*New People in the Territory; such as a boyfriend, girlfriend, roommate, etc…
*Change in their Routine
*Mental Health Issues
*Abuse: If your kids have been acting differently then they used to, in a negative way, is someone treating them badly, abusing them physically, sexually or verbally? If you have a particularly troubling case, it might be wise to look into it, just to make sure. Most children who are being abused, won’t tell you, no matter certain you feel that they would.
Now that we have gone over some understanding of what can cause inappropriate behavior, lets go over some tips to help you change the future into a brighter, happier, much less stressing one.
1. Stop Overindulging
Your child doesn’t have to be the coolest kid in school, nor do they need to act like the maharaja. They are young, and although you might slightly bruise their egos by not buying them the toy or item they wanted, they will eventually get over it. Not only that, but they will turn out better for it, and will be grateful to you when they are older.
I know it can be hard when they cry, scream, yell, swear or generally throw fits and tantrums, but you have to hold down the fort. They are used to being able to keep up the battle until you give in, and the trick you need to learn is not to give in. If you do it even just once, they know that they can get you to give in, by just escalating the situation a bit more, and you will reinforce their behavior.
If they usually just cry and you give in, then they will try to scream when you say no to crying. If screaming doesn’t work, they may try to say things to purposely upset you or push your buttons. If that doesn’t work, they may try to throw or break things. They may slam their doors or hit and kick you. They may follow you around the house trying to keep your attention and wear you down.
Kids between the ages of 2 and 10 have the energy to keep even the stupidest battle going for up to 3 or 4 hours, and they usually win before half of that time has gone by.
The trick is to be ready for it. When you are at home, have a quiet place that you can go to, anytime you need. When they start throwing a tantrum, let them know that you will only respond to them when they can talk to you respectfully and without whining or crying. Then go to your special place. Make sure your special place, such as your bedroom, has a lock on it, and keep a book or other activity in there to keep your attention focused on. Wait until your child is no longer putting all their attention into getting your attention, and then after a calm waiting period, go and see if they will act accordingly.
We will go over ways to handle them in public later in this Factoid.
2. Be the Best Example You Can Be
Don’t swear, spit or act rude to anyone. Whether or not your kids are around. Especially because it’s to easy to slip, and anything it’s okay for you to do, your kids will think is okay for them to do. Even if they have to do it when you’re not looking.
Act how you want your kids to act, and demand that your partner and anyone involved in the kids’ lives, does the same. You don’t want to send mixed messages by allowing your sister-in-law to swear and talk poorly about people, even though you don’t do it. The kids won’t know which is right.
3. Spend Time With Your Kids
MAKE TIME! There are enough excuses, and I have heard every one. You work too much, have too much on your mind, or can’t afford it, are the lamest and most common. If you can’t make time to spend with your kids and cherish them when they are young, then maybe you should think about not having them live with you full time.
In order to grow into well-rounded adults, our kids need time with us. They need it to be able to learn how to act and respond to situations that crop up in life. A child who gets very little time with their parents, is likely to not know how to handle their emotions very well, thus making them hard to handle.
Spend more positive time with your kids, and give them a chance to be rewarded for being with you, instead of always scolded for being bad or loud, and then sending them into another room to be out of your hair.
4. Talk With Them
And I don’t mean in a baby voice that makes them feel small and insignificant. Talk with them as if they were an equal, and can understand what you tell them. They can always ask for clarity if they need it, and they surely will, as children are curious creatures.
I find a very common parenting problem is that many parents treat their children as if they are small creatures with no adult comprehension. Which turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy, because if you don’t treat them like bright intelligent creatures, they will not act like it.
Take the time to sit down with your kids, and explain to them why their behavior is not desirable. Tell them why you ask them to do their chores, or not to swear or misbehave. Explain to them all the great things that could happen if you weren’t burdened with trying to control their bad behavior.
TALK WITH THEM! Children are the farthest thing from stupid or dull, especially when they are young, and they don’t take kindly to being treated like the town idiot.
5. Feed Them Good Food
Water or juice instead of soda. I personally do not allow my 4 year old to have more than a soda per day, and that is split up into times that avoid nap time or bed time. The rest of the time he can choose from juice or water, and he usually chooses water!
Stay away from sugary foods. I know the kids smile brightly when you give them candy, but it is no good for their attitude. Also make sure to stray from having too many cheeseburgers or pizza. The stuff is great on occasion and does make dinner easier, but too much of it can turn our kids into beasts.
6. Independence
Even toddlers struggle with the fight for independence. They walk so that they don’t have to be chained to you by being carried. They learn to feed themselves, go to the bathroom and play with their toys.
As kids get older, there are so many things they can be learning to do, that will not only keep them busy, but they will be happy to do it. Children as young as 3 can learn to:
*Fold Laundry *Make their bed
*Get food from a shelf or the fridge *Dry Dishes
*Clean Floors or Walls *Pick up their toys
*Pick out their own clothes *Make Phone Calls
*Weed the Garden *Feed & Water the Animals
*Pick out and put in movies *Wash Cars
There are plenty of things they can do, you just have to think about it. These things don’t seem as mundane to a young child as they do to parents or adolescents, and by teaching them to do these things, you are helping them build skills they will need later in life. Not only that, but they will continue to perform these skills as they get older, meaning you will have a less stressful time trying to get them to clean up and behave.
Sadly enough, I know plenty of 8 to 12 year olds who can barely make their own beds, never clean their rooms, and give their parents are very hard time when they are asked to do any of these things. That is just not right!
Even with older children, you have to put your foot down to make it happen. Whether they are young or older, start now.
Create a list of daily chores that you want them to do. Easy or hard. Then make them do it. These chores need to come before they do anything else. Including seeing relatives, playing outside, watching TV, radio listening, phone calls, video games or homework. Chores also need to come before any meals. It can seem harsh, but trust me, your kids will do what is asked of them before they starve.
As a parent, you are the one who has to see that this succeeds. There can be no leeway. The chores you assign to them, must be done at all costs. Even at the expense of missing your own events or actives. Otherwise they will find room to wiggle out of it, and will continue to wiggle out of everything else, including behaving.
Now that we have gone over some tips to start getting your situation under control, let’s get a little more specific. Here are some tips into changing bad behavior into better behavior.
1. Change the Behavior, Not the Child
It is very important to remember that is the behavior you don’t like, not your child. This distinction is often hard to make, but it is an important one, especially with hard-to-handle kids.
It’s so easy to blame the kids on the whole, and not the behavior. Especially when the idea of separating the two hasn’t been brought to light.
No matter what your kids are naturally like, you don’t want to change them. You just want to mold their behavior into more desirable behavior.
With this tip comes the knowledge that some kids are just harder to handle then others, and if you have one of those kids, you will have to learn to adapt. Yet, for the most part, kids are not usually as "bad" as their behavior is. They just need to learn a new way to act in their environment.
Separating their behavior from their personality is an important step for a parent to make, as it will lead to better ways to deal with and turn around the bad behavior.
2. Don’t Control
Many parents are under the assumption that they need to control their child’s behavior, and this is misleading. You don’t want to control them, you want to guide them. You want to mold them and help them control themselves.
Part of this is helping your child to learn that they are responsible for their own actions and consequences, and not you. It is not your fault they didn’t clean up their toys and you threw them away. That is their fault and it is up to them to not do it again, to avoid the consequences they don’t like.
When you finally realize, that even if you wanted to, you can never really control your children, it will make it easier to help them learn the same lesson. It will also make it easier not to feel so guilty as you help them learn this lesson.
3. Be the Boss
This is a harder lesson for most than you would think, and one that most will not admit to. Being the boss in your parent-child relationship is so important, yet so many parents overlook it, in an attempt to be a nicer parent, or to avoid being the bad guy. If this is you, I have news for you. Avoiding being the boss will backfire on you.
If you’re just not that used to being the boss, or you’re out of habit, you need to get back into the swing of things.
You need to maintain the dominance in the parent-child relationship, and you need to make sure you kids understand that they need to listen to you at all costs. No matter what they think of what you are telling them.
If they have been the boss of the situation for a while, you will know by now, as they won’t listen to a word you tell them. Which means it’s time to make sure you are heard. Hand out spankings, get a bull horn, or take away things they really like to have, until they do what you ask of them. It doesn’t make you the bad guy, it makes you the adult in charge, and the parent you need to be.
Not only does this make it easier to get your youngin’s to behave, but it also makes them feel more secure.
When the parent doesn’t take the role as the commander-in-chief in the relationship, it causes turmoil and confusion in the kids. They don’t understand what should really happen, and they instinctively try to take over the position as leader of the group.
You need to make sure your kids’ lives are full of boundaries, limits, examples and structure. Otherwise their unstructured and unruly way of "leading" your family will continue to tear it apart.
4. Discipline
This is a subject many parents are scared of. Mostly because the lines are so skewed as to what is okay discipline and what is not.
There are many authorities on the subject of parenting that might say to never spank your kids, or to not yell, and many other things. That may be all well and good, but some kids need a little tough love!
The other part of the confusion, is that many parents believe that discipline and punishment are one in the same.
They are not. Discipline is about guiding our children into better behavior through tactics that help them ingrain the behavior in their minds, and help them decide that they would rather be good then be disciplined. Punishment is when we retaliate against our children for their bad behavior, which doesn’t teach them anything and only makes them want to retaliate right back.
The important thing is to start a strong discipline regimen while they are young, because the younger you start, the less you will need it when they get older, as they will have already learned the lesson.
However, you are probably reading this article because you are beyond the point of teaching them when they are young. In this instance, you still have to start in the same place, it’s just a little more trying than it would have been if you had started when they were young.
Here are some hints to getting that change you seek through discipline:
* Make Sure They Are Listening. Get rid of all distractions when you are telling your child something. Whether it is small conversation, or you are telling them to go do something. Turn off the TV, the video games, the movie, the radio. Take away the cell phone, pad of paper or anything else they may be using to not pay attention to you. If they are bouncing around, physically make them stop, look you in the eye and hear what you are saying. Then ask them to repeat back to you what you asked them to do. If they only half repeat what you said, or change it around, repeat yourself and ask them to repeat you again, until they can tell you exactly what you said, proving that they heard you. Which means there is no reason they shouldn’t go do it right now! Right?
* Take Prisoners! Toys aren’t just around so that your kids can play with them and break them, they are great tools to use as leverage. Just remember that when you take them, you must be guiding them to doing something better. If they leave their toys all over the house, and you have asked them to pick them up, stop asking, and start taking. Take the toys and put them up high where the kids can’t reach them, or away in a place they can’t find them. When they want them back, tell them they can get them when they show you they can keep their toys cleaned up. Offer them a chance to get them back by cleaning their room right away. If they don’t, then hold onto the toy or "wanted" item. If they forget about the toy, throw it away or give it away. Too many toys can be bad and over-stimulating for them in the first place. Then keep an eye on the toys they are still leaving around the house, or scattered around their rooms, and take them. When your kids get down to only a few toys and you are refusing to buy new ones, they will start to realize that they liked having toys and games, and don’t want you to take them. Then when you tell them how they can keep them, they will start to make the choice to clean up, to avoid you from "taking prisoners".
* It is in my firm belief, that some kids just need to know that you are willing to take it as far as spanking, even if you never really go there. I have never gone further than a quick slap on the thigh to my son. I have never needed to go any further than that. Even though I don’t really hurt him, it does smart, and he pays attention right away, to avoid getting another one. It’s undesirable to get a slap on the meaty part of your leg, and you would listen up if I did it to you! Just remember, abusive physical punishment is taken too far. Spanking until they cry, using a belt, switch or other item is beyond abusive. But a quick snap that leaves less than a pink mark on their thigh will not hurt them, it is not abuse and there is no law in the US that will deem you as anything less than a good parent. The trick here, is not to over-use it, but to use it enough to repel them from not doing what you ask. If they swear, and you asked them not to, don’t ask them again three or four times, grab them and give them a quick swat, and then explain that if they swear again, there will be worse consequences. Most children will listen up then, especially as they can’t imagine what might be worse than a sting on the leg.
If you do have to prove to them that you will take it further, don’t wear out the thigh snap, try another tactic. Washing out their mouths with soap is a great way to handle potty language, and enough of that and they will cut it out. Just make sure to get some natural soap that doesn’t harm their stomachs. It can be found in most stores. Just look for kid soaps. Make sure to give them a good tongue scrub the first time, and you will more than likely not have to do it again for a while. Two or three times altogether usually cures the dirty talk.
* Up the Ante. The truth in the world of parenting, is that you always have to be one step ahead of your kids. If you turned off all electronics and have made them hear you, and then you have physically brought them to the needed task and tried to make them do it, and they throw a tantrum, then you go to your special place and come out and try again. Yet, if they still aren’t doing it, up the ante. Take things away one by one. They may be tough to start out, and it may take a lot of leg work, but you are changing the future for the better.
If its too hard to clean up all their toys, get rid of almost all of them. Seriously, get them down to having 2 to 3 toys, and as they learn to take care of those toys, you will get them new ones. But just don’t build them back up into a room full of toys. When they get a new toy, its good to teach them to get rid of an old one of the same day. If they won’t make their bed, pull it out of their room and give them some blankets on the floor. It won’t hurt them, and it will teach them to be grateful for what they already have.
The important thing is to focus on things that matter to them the most first. If they love video games, take that first. If they have a TV obsession, ban them from watching until they behave. If they like to play outside all the time, ground them indoors until they listen. If they have a radio, DVD player, music player, cell phone, laptop or other prized possessions, go for them first. This is important, because it creates less of a battle when you start with what they want to keep. If you take away something they could care less about, why would they listen? Also, remember that activities can be taken away, too. Going on trips, to friends’ houses, slumber parties, after-school activities and anything else. If they don’t behave, they don’t deserve to partake in anything fun.
5. Prepare for the Battle
Kids who have been allowed to be unruly at any point in time, can and will put up the biggest battle to maintain the world they have. Even if it’s not good for them–they don’t understand that yet.
If you are tired of them walking all over you, misbehaving, acting crazy and unruly, then you need to prepare for the biggest battle you are likely to have with them. Thankfully, this drawn out battle will not last as long or be as bad as you are dreading it to be, and it will most likely be the last real tough battle you have with them.
To prepare, you must take in some ideas that will help you create a good guard.
* Remember that kids are more persistent, higher energy and used to winning battles. Remembering this means that you have to be twice as bold, twice as resistant and three times as determined to see to it that they listen and behave. It’s not easy if they have been misbehaving for quite some time and you haven’t taken the situation under control.
* Have your Special Place Ready. When they throw a tantrum, you have to be able to get away from it and ignore it. The only reason to give it any attention, is if they are causing real physical harm to themselves or others. Any other reason is just weakness on your part, not teaching them how to behave properly. Remember to have some activities for yourself in your room, that can help you ignore them until the battle is over with. They may be loud, they may bang on the door, they will definitely get upset, but as long as you can wait it out, you will make strides. Just remember that by ignoring the tantrum, you are not ignoring the problem. Once they are done, and you come out, you still need to continue making them do what you asked, and you need to have them do it in a respectful way. This may take several trips to your special place, but it is worth it. No attention while they are fighting it or being rude. Attention when they are calm and do what you say. Repeat until accomplished.
* You might have to disrupt your own schedule. You want to avoid this, if you can. If you have somewhere to be, and cannot go because the kids won’t get ready, then leave without them, if you can. If you can’t, then you need to be stern. You need to make them get ready, or start taking prisoners! If it is a trip to a friend’s house or an outing that your kids would have enjoyed, tell them what fun you would have, but that you won’t go if they don’t get ready or do their chores before you go. Be prepared for this, as it is important in getting them to be ready to go the next time you have something you need to do.
* Don’t tease them. If you know that your kids will want to buy a toy or candy at the store, then avoid the aisles where those things are! It would seem like a no-brainer, but I see parents who do it all the time. Why would you take a child down a candy aisle, if you weren’t going to buy them candy? Kids don’t understand the idea of window shopping, and even if you were just going use the toy aisle as a short cut, it’s not a good idea. Avoid those areas at all costs. If you have to pass near one, do you best to keep your kids focused on another area, away from things they want, that you are not going to buy them. Stick to this, and your outings and errands will be much easier.
* Don’t do anything around nap time, lunch time, dinner time or near bed time. This may seem like a strain on your schedule, but if you are serious about helping your kids to behave better, you need to work with their internal clocks. Errands that are just before lunch or nap time are the worst. Even if the kids are a bit older and don’t take naps anymore! They get hungry and tired and you are dragging them through a boring adult mission. You are bound to get a tantrum every time. This also applies to getting them to do things. Try asking them to clean their rooms in the morning, right after breakfast, and then again a couple of hours after lunch when they seem alert. They are likely to be much less of a battle at these times, but you have to be prepared for and aware of it.
6. Get Help
2-on-1 is no fun. Which means a single parent with more than one child, is going to have a very hard time controlling or changing the situation. You need to have a support group, and to make sure the other adults around your child are also adhering to your attitude of change and happy behavior. It also helps to have people you can vent to about your kids. Especially since statistics show that a parent who has someone to vent to about their kids’ behavior, is less likely to verbally abuse their kids. Just make sure you vent in a place where kids are not going to overhear you through a wall or anything.
You also need a support group so that in times when the battle is tough, you are not the only adult standing against your kids and a new toy in the window. Just like most creatures, the more outnumbered we are, the more easily we will submit. Our kids are no different. So if you find yourself outnumbered by your offspring, even the numbers out! Get your partner and your mom or sister over. Make your numbers stronger and make sure each adult expects the same good behavior from your child, and is not afraid to make them adhere to those expectations.
7. Give them Lots of Times to Be Good
If your children have gotten into a pattern of misbehaving, for whatever reason, it becomes important to give them times to behave and get praise and positive attention from you. This can be hard if they are almost always finding a way to misbehave, but it can and has been done successfully before!
Take a moment to sit and play with them when they are being quiet and good, and tell them often how much you really love it when they are quiet and well-behaved. Pick up that toy on the floor and put it in their hands, and then talk with them as you walk to their bedroom nonchalantly, and then tell them how fantastic they are when you suggest that they put their toy back where it belongs. If you see that some toys are put away and some are not, don’t yell at them about the mess, tell them how great it is that the toys on the shelves are on the shelves! Make a big deal about how great it is that they are taking care of those toys, and how much you would love it if they would put the other toys away too. It might even make you so happy that you feel like getting a cookie from the kitchen.
If you have more than one child, and they tend not to get along all the time, make it a point to watch for when they are getting along. Check in on them often, and if they are being quiet and playing with each other, make sure to do a little dance and tell them how much you admire them for getting along so well and so nicely. Even if they are at opposite ends of the room, and not really paying attention to each other. It will give them a clue as to how they can get positive attention from you.
Trust me, children with behavioral problems need more positive reinforcement than anything else. They need to be reminded what good behavior is, and what good things can happen when they behave.
I feel that a lot of parents under-value the effect that just positive words and happy attention gives to kids. Its a nurturing joy like no other. It’s love. Unruly kids need it if they are to change their behavior. I mean seriously. If you were being yelled at all the time, and no one ever told you that you did something right or good, how would you ever know what you should be doing? Or why would you want to change?
There are so many variables, and each parent-child relationship is unique in its own way. Some of you might find help in these tips and facts, while others may be able to mold some of these tips to fit their own situation. Just remember, you still need to love your child, even if it means a little tough love to get back into the good times.
Also remember, that Factoidz is a great way to get real answers to your questions, and the more specific you can be, the better! Don’t ever stop looking for help when you need it the most, and remember not to beat up on yourself to much. It takes time to change your current situation.
