This time I have decided to break my normal how to mould and do something completely different. I thought I would just talk about…kids, specifically your other half’s children. Divorce and separation unfortunately happen and that means a confusing and often complex medley of ex-partners, step-children and parents. It is tough for all involved but it is by no means insurmountable. Having just come out of a relationship that involved a child (my ex’s) I just thought I would talk about some of the lessons that I learnt. If you have heard it all before I apologise but I’m of the school that you can learn something new everyday or if you can’t, you can get new insight into what you already knew.
It’s not easy. In fact it can be quite stressful. The first time I went to meet his little girl, I nearly tore my hair out with the pressure, the nerves and the fact that I was half an hour late for our first meeting certainly did not help matters. But it’s perfectly normal to be like this. This is a weird time for the kid(s) too. However, after ten minutes with her, all my irrational fears dissipated. She was charming, funny, smart and beautiful and we had a great time, I loved her and she loves me. The fact that she was not biologically mine made no difference whatsoever.
Kids are a lot smarter than we give them credit for and she was no different. I was fully prepared for the angst that came with the constant change and moving between parents and significant others. But she had her head screwed on. I didn’t pretend to be her mother and because I know that she didn’t expect me to be, took the pressure off – both of us. So cut yourself and each other some slack. Every new relationship takes time and this is no different. It will not always be easy but like everything that is worth having (that takes a little hard work), it’s an effort that is worth it.
I love kids and I was really keen to meet her. But I knew that it was something that could not be rushed. Time is a great thing so in the time I had to wait before meeting her, we got to know each other a little better. Taking things slow was the best option both for her and for us at the time. Although, ultimately it didn’t work out, I would do exactly the same thing.
Sacrifice and Compromise. These are two key words when dating someone with children from a previous relationship. My ex-partner had 50-50 custody of his daughter which meant that on certain days (and nights), she was with him. I left those nights to them to bond keeping calls and text to him at a minimum. I didn’t want to spoil the father-daughter time as it is precious. If they wanted me there, I was there to the best of my ability.
So what did I learn? Although the relationship broke down, it taught me that although it can be hard work (as well as a lot of fun), it is worth it. We (My ex and I) are still good friends and she still thinks about me and I think of her. Kids can teach us so much, especially when they are very young (his daughter was six). They are hardier, honest and funnier than one thinks. Yes there will be confusion, anger, hurt, some frustration but with communication, time, patience, trust and yes, love, the effects can not only be managed but reduced. We are all human, we will make mistakes, plenty of them but dealing with them and moving on is the best way to deal with them for all your sakes.
That’s all for now. Take care readers…
