A second wedding is a true social wild card–it can be anything the couple wishes to make it, and tailored to their own unique circumstances; small and private with only the closest of family and friends, or a large full-blown wing-ding.
This can depend on so many things–perhaps you never had a “real” wedding the first time and came to regret it–or perhaps you did have a lavish wedding, and now your family feels awkward about sending out invitations to the same group of relatives and friends for a second one, especially if it’s within only a couple of years. If widowed, you may feel (especially with children and/or out of consideration for your departed’s family), that smaller and less lavish is best. Or maybe you’re just happy to be sharing your joy at beginning your future together, and you’re going to have whatever you want! Depending on the circumstances surrounding each the couple, anything goes–although it may have to jump through some slightly more complicated hoops to go there.
Obviously, as far as style is concerned, anything really does go. The hypocrisy of a white bridal gown as a declaration of the virginal purity of the bride (not unlike the blue-foil “ribbon” printed on a rump roast certifying it as “Choice”) has thankfully breathed its last among all but the most petty finger-pointers in life. It’s just flat-out traditional that the bride can usually be found in the lovely white dress, so feel free to pick the dress you love without worrying about its “message.” On the other hand, many gowns today have beautiful trims, sashes and embroidery in fabulous colors, or come in a darker “champagne” shade, to take away from the blinding whiteness. And it’s a class-act second-time bride who selects a fabulous gown in a delicate, ladylike pastel. For the very daring, a sultry red is gaining in popularity, especially for second weddings–but the in-laws and spinster aunts will probably cluck.
Inclusion of children. Often, one or the other (or both) of the partners in this new marriage will be bringing the makings of a new family, with children in tow. How–or if–you will involve them in the wedding itself will depend entirely on your particular situation, and sometimes even on the state of your relationship not only with the children, but with your “ex(es).”
In any case, your relationship with the children themselves is key. Some “children” just aren’t ready to see Mommy or Daddy remarry (although they will hopefully come to accept it in the future), in which case don’t force them to participate or necessarily even attend. Sadly, some of these unaccepting “children” may be in their forties. Just “turn the other cheek,” continue to be open to them, and let them adjust in their own time. The bottom line is that this marriage is about the two of you as a couple, regardless of your role as parents.
If your children are comfortable with the two of you as a couple, then certainly it’s very common to see children of the bridal pair in weddings as flower-girls and ring-bearers, junior bridesmaids, candle-lighters (these can be male or female) or bridesmaids/groomsmen during the ceremony. If old enough (over 18, so that they are legally able to sign the Wedding Certificate), they may serve as Maid of Honor or stand as Best Man. If you intend to light a Unity Candle as part of your ceremony and the children are old enough to safely manage a taper, the new couple AND the children might cluster around to light the larger candle.
“New Family” Ceremony. With children ranging in age from very small to about 20 years of age (or older if they wish to participate), it’s becoming increasingly common, after the husband and wife have exchanged their vows but not yet been pronounced as husband and wife, to dedicate a brief part of the ceremony to a few sweet lines where the couple and the children say “I do” to supporting the success of their life together as a new family (sometimes with everyone signing a copy of these “family vows” made into a certificate), and are often given a token (such as a ring or necklace) as a keepsake of the occasion. The couple is then pronounced husband and wife and introduced as "Mr. and Mrs. ______" (dramatic pause)–"and family." The children can then follow the parents down the aisle in the recessional after the newlyweds have shared their traditional kiss, or step back into their positions in the wedding party for a traditional recessional.
While these are heartwarming Kodak moments that you may want very much as part of your celebration, you should pass them by if there is any non-adult child who would prefer not to take part in this ceremony–so that it’s every child or no child. Children need to process these events in their own way, and they shouldn’t be placed in a situation where they must “play ball” or be left out, especially up in front of others. Depending on their age, they don’t truly understand that they can’t go back and have “another chance” later if they come to regret not having participated, and they may initially hold back out of a feeling that they are being disloyal to their other parent by taking part in your wedding, or the fear that their parent is abandoning them in favor of their new mate. Instead of being disappointed, keep your expectations realistic and remember that the focus of this one occasion is the two of you. If things go well with the children after the ceremony as you settle into life together, perhaps they could exchange these “family vows” (complete with a certificate for each child) and receive the same kind of “family” tokens –more privately–while allowing them to share the top tier of your cake on your first anniversary.
If no children are involved with the wedding couple and/or the couple is a bit older, this is a perfect opportunity for you to have a more "grownup" type of gathering, perhaps a "cocktails-and-hors-d’oevres" type of affair, with a good mix of dance music, giving your friends an opportunity to get dressed up for a good time while leaving their kids with a sitter; or a sophisticated brunch. If it’s a small group, a luncheon at a lovely bed-and-breakfast (usually a bit too cramped for kids) can provide a beautiful ambiance.
Points of Etiquette:
Invitation etiquette: If a bride has not been married previously, then even if it is the second time around for her groom, it is perfectly acceptable for the wedding invitations to be issued by her parents. If the wedding couple is older (or has a child), it makes more sense for the couple themselves to issue the invitations as the hosts of the wedding. I have even seen one invitation–sent to close friends and family only–issued in the name of the couple’s very young child to the wedding of her parents. Although this would make society matrons of yore roll over in their graves, because it was contained within a close-knit circle, the invitations were found by the recipients to be very charming. Use discretion appropriate to your own circumstances.
Giving away the bride: if the bride has been married before (or has a child), technically she is “emancipated” and is now giving herself away, and should walk down the aisle to her groom by herself. But in truth, if you’re lucky enough to still have your father, he would probably love to walk you down the aisle, even if he grumbles about the tux. And I don’t think there’s anybody who would pipe up that this is not appropriate, because it’s so much what we always expect to see at a wedding. Let the decision be made by your closeness to your dad.
The wedding party: if at all possible, keep it small. If you have done this before, a parade of seven bridesmaids is really unnecessary–particularly if you will be augmenting your wedding party with your now-shared children in a variety of roles.
The importance of programs: particularly if any of the couple’s children are taking part in the wedding, it’s important to have programs naming them, both to “clue in” your guests and as an important keepsake later for each child.
Don’t automatically register for gifts, particularly if you are having a small, private gathering: gifts are for new couples just starting out to “feather their nests.” Presumably if you’ve been married before (or if you have lived together in a long relationship, and/or have a child together), you’ve already passed that stage. HOWEVER, temper that “rule” by the knowledge that if only one of you has been married before, the first-timer’s friends and family will expect to find you on the major wedding registries. Or if you’re having a larger celebration, and simply find yourself getting asked repeatedly where you’re registered, then bend the rules and go ahead and register “by popular demand.” Remember that whether or not you register for gifts, any gift you receive should be followed up by a timely note of appreciation.
The same idea applies to showers and parties–however, the friends of a second-time bride might go ahead with a “fun” shower, such as a lingerie shower or a “stock the bar for the wedding” party instead of a potholders-and-mixing-bowls type of shower; or have a “girls’ night” (or “hens’ night”) snacking and drinking ludicrously festive drinks garnished with umbrellas and skewered fruit, whether alcoholic or not, and watching a couple of schmaltzy wedding movies; maybe happily chattering as you finish up tying ribbons on wedding favors or folding programs.
For a bride or groom who has been married before, a bachelor or bachelorette party is technically of dubious taste, since you have already once before been given a chance to go out for that symbolic “one last fling.” However, in my opinion, light-hearted celebratory fun is very welcome in our humdrum daily lives–so if it’s something you really want–or perhaps didn’t have the first time around–well, go ahead and have it. But keep it sane (not too much drink, and designated drivers) to demonstrate that you’ve learned a few things from your past experience, and avoid strip clubs and other raunchy activities. (Don’t go to Vegas.)
Do you invite the “ex”? Some “exes” remain good friends and truly wish the best for each other. And if so, what could be handier than inviting the “ex,” who can gather up the kids at a reasonable hour and leave you worry-free to dance until the wee hours before leaving on your honeymoon–even if the honeymoon is only a weekend “away” in a nice hotel. It also relieves the children of feeling disloyal to the parent not being married that night, because they are present.
If there is any question of unresolved issues or uncertainty about the behavior of an “ex,” then of course they should not be included.
Wedding traditions. Nothing changes here; every couple should cut their cake, share a toast and a First Dance, receive toasts and congratulations from friends, and dance until midnight if that’s what they choose. Every bride should have the option of throwing her bouquet and her groom tossing her garter. And every couple should have the event captured by a reliable photographer.
In brief, the key to having a meaningful and festive second-wedding ceremony simply involves more consideration and working out of individual-situation details on top of the usual planning for the celebration you envision, and a great deal more communication between the bride and groom to be sure that this special day for you will proceed unmarred by concern over the feelings of others that you love.
