Here is the last topic that I ever wanted to become an expert in: Divorce. However, here I am at the end of a marriage that would have celebrated it’s 16th anniversary in November of this year, 2009. About half of us have been there. The statistics are outrageous. I guess what makes me an expert above the half of you that experienced this this heart cancer that although has a very high survival rate, can render a soul incapable or unwilling to ever couple up again, is that this is the second time I’ve gone through it.
As British Prime Minister Benjamin Disraeli so aptly said "There are three kinds of lies…Lies, damned lies, and statistics." I guess damned lies are the kind that wreck happy homes, and separate what God has brought together. I don’t want to get into dry statistics about divorce or even the petty lies and damned lies that can end up being the cause of one. Not in this factoid anyway. I just want to share a basic list of things I’ve learned about divorce from my experience with it and survival of it. I’m not trying to start a pity-party, and as a writer I probably don’t wear my heart on my sleeve as much as I should -I save that for my fiction work under a pseudo-name.
But I am a compassionate guy, and knowing first hand the crisis of identity, self worth, loss and loneliness that can fuel the fire of confusion that comes from being exiled from a home and family, for the multitudes that go through a divorce, I want to at least try to offer a little help. I’m still a strong believer in Holy matrimony and always will be. I spent three and a half years trying to save this marriage. I learned more about marriage in those three and a half years when it was on the rocks than I did throughout the entire twenty one years I wore a wedding band on my finger. These lessons I’ll share are the ugly truth. I hope it scares those that are tired of arguing and ready to call it quits to learn how to argue correctly and make it work. At the same time, I hope it properly prepares those who are (for the first time) in the same boat as I am for what they are about to encounter. No matter how many people tell you "Awww, it will all be Okay. Life goes on"; even though this is true, these lessons will mostly be about how much it’s really going to suck before it does.
- Will be very expensive, the reason being: It’s usually worth the money. Add in a custody battle, which are often very futile, and it can run the tab up to about $15,000-$20,000 per ex. If the children are 14 or older, it’s usually "child’s choice" when it comes to placement. But when my first marriage ended, an expensive custody battle began. I paid my lawyer thousands to make her look like an asshole. She paid her lawyer thousands to make me look like an asshole. The judge complimented each lawyer for doing an outstanding job at convincing him that our children had a couple of low-lifes as parents. Then he reluctantly granted placement of the minor children to the asshole with the vagina.
- Will cost you more than money. Personal possessions from furniture, guns and jewelry to the cat, dog and bird will all have to get divided. And certain items with all sorts of sentiment attached, like the marriage bed, usually isn’t wanted by either spouse. The first wife took care of that problem by holding a going out of marriage sale on the front lawn while I was restrained from going within 400 feet of my former home. She just threw out what she didn’t sell, like all my artwork -drawings and paintings that I did from the time I was ten years old. Be prepared for this kind of vindictiveness and be a big enough person to refrain from it. Do you hear me?
- And then there’s the house. In this market, selling it is rarely even an option. What is the rental value of it to the spouse who remains in it? What if you are upside down on it like most Americans are today, and are not going to pay the mortgage, yet live in it until the bank forecloses or it is short sold? Hmmm. Stay tuned on that one, I’m still scratching my head. I’m now upside down on two houses that I once sat on $300,000.00 equity in. This kind of riches to rags financial devastation that many of us are experiencing due to the current economy and housing market crash does nothing to help marriages and families. Refer back to the "for richer or for poorer" line that preceded the "I do" line. Get it?
- Will cause the non-material assets like friendships and other relationships to be split up or dissolved. You will loose friends. You will need to make new ones. On a more positive note, you will find that certain people who spent years tolerating your spouse in order to remain close to you finally stop biting their tongue and become closer than ever. A person like this can be your closest ally, however don’t make the relationship all about fighting side by side in your divorce war…It will ruin the friendship.
- Will teach you that no one likes a victim. If you see yourself as thrown out, unwanted, scorned and victimized even if you truly are be careful that you don’t portray that to others because others will then see you the same way. A sense of humor can work wonders in explaining to others how you may have been hurt without sounding all "woe is me." For instance, I would tell people that my first wife and I got divorced because she liked to have sex six times a week. Of course they would ask why that was a problem. I would answer "It wouldn’t be if I wasn’t only having sex five times a week!" Adultery, different goals and lifestyles or mathematical discrepancies…which sounds best for grounds for divorce?
- Will make you face any strong religious beliefs you may hold in a way that will put you at odds with those who will do the most to help you: God and your church. The Lord will never let you down. His word remains forever true. But be prepared to wade through a lot of scripture and denominational dogma if that is the place where you usually go to find solutions to life’s greatest problems. Be patient with them and don’t throw your hands up and stomp away mad the first time that they don’t seem to get where you are coming from. For Christians, marriages are representational of Christ’s bond with his church. It throws a monkey wrench into the theological works when these bonds, supposedly unable to be broken are shredded for everyone to witness. Don’t be surprised that this pisses off your Pastor.
- Will, if it doesn’t kill you, make you much stronger. My first marriage lasted 5 years, the second 15. If this trend continues I should get 45 or more out of the next, and last one. And yes, there is life after divorce.
