First and foremost, some backstory on myself.
I am 22. My girlfriend is pregnant. We are not married and have no plans on doing so. While we’re both pro-choice, we decided in our situation the best option for us would be to have our child adopted.
Needless to say, I’ve spent a great amount of time thinking about Fatherhood over the last few weeks.
The following is personally untested. More than anything else, I’d use it as a starting point to get you thinking of what you can do.
Now for this piece to be as useful as possible I’m going to try and write it about the important part of spirituality and not the unimportant part.
What is the important part of spirituality? Context. The unimportant part? Content.
I don’t care what you believe. We all believe a variety of strange and often harmful (in ways both small and large) things. It can be very hard to tell the difference (Just ask someone in an abusive relationship).
Perhaps you’re thinking, “What does this guy mean by context?” The answer to that is simple.
Context is the framework within you live your life.
Think of it like the constitution versus laws. The constitution provides the framework where laws can make sense and work.
Spirituality is about creating a context for your life that makes it work the way you want it to. It isn’t easy. Even for people satisfied by organized religion, to really get satisfaction from it requires nearly as much work as building your own.
To really be centered deeply it takes an enormous amount of work.
So what can you do to help your child reach any kind of spiritual satisfaction?
This is a tough problem. Â Plenty of people seem to take really poor strategies on this issue. Before we get into the meatier parts, I’d like to suggest a perspective on spirituality to be the context for this article. Albert Einstein once said, “The most important question you can answer is, ‘Is the universe a friendly place or not?”
To me, this is the key issue behind spirituality. It’s the search for the answer to that question. Many people don’t give too much real thought to it. As a result, the results they get with their kids is at best, slipshody.
Examples:
1. The person who doesn’t really talk to their kids about  anything spiritual. I find this happens most in people of the most popular religion in the area which they live. Christian, Muslim, Atheist, Hindu, Buddhist, or other it doesn’t seem to matter. There are always people who don’t care one way or the other.
2. The person who forces their beliefs on their children. Again, this can be anyone. Though, it seems to be more common among those people with more rigid thinking on the matter (Fundamentalists of all types such as Jerry Falwell, Osama Bin Laden, or Richard Dawkins).
The better option from my standpoint (My goal in raising a child is to help a mature adult grow. I don’t want a clone of me.), is to give the child the tools in which to make his or her own judgements.
If I wanted something to only give out what I put in, I’d get a computer instead of a child. They’re a lot cheaper and less of a hassle. And this is coming from a guy who changed his major in college from computer science to psychology because “people make more sense than machines.”
So, without any further adeu, the practical side of this.
Principle 1: Live your faith.
This isn’t a suggestion. This one is mandatory. Kids are awesome at sniffing out hypocrisy. Â If you tell them not to lie, then fib about something… they’re going to figure it out at some point. And at that point your child will know you’re a hypocrite. You lose all credibility. So practice what you preach.
And honestly, this is the hardest thing any of us who are trying to aspire to be more than we are will ever do. I’ve known a handful of people who have pulled it off. Their kids have a faith I’m continually amazed at. Mind you, I don’t believe in their god, but that doesn’t make their devotion to it any less awesome.
Principle 2: Â Ego check yourself.
If you’re doing a religious/spiritual practice to make yourself feel like you’re more important than you are, your kids (and everyone else, btw) will know. I can think of endless numbers of people who fit into this category (Especially myself most of the time).
This one is also hard. I remember last fall figuring out nearly every bit of growth (spiritul or not) I’ve ever done has been to make me feel better than other people. It nearly brought me to tears. Looking back, it seems not much has changed. But that is my issue to deal with.
More than anything else kids need an example to follow. We all adapt to our situations, and we often don’t do so in the best way. So make it easier for them to adapt well. Give a great example.
Principle 3: Guidance instead of orders.
Someday your kids are going to have to fend for themselves. It’s about as natural a thing as there is. Rasing someone only to obey you (Free Labor!) has it’s uses, but often leads to them being broken later in life. Offer your life experince as a possible guideline, maybe offer a story or two. The final call should be your child’s- right or wrong.
This method can be heartwrenching. It sucks to watch anyone you really care about make a mistake. Yet, it is usually the only way people learn anything.
If you’re not sure how to do it- Â read “To Kill A Mockingbird.” Atticus Finch is the man. I’ve only known a few people who really live his example. I’ve already mentioned how well their kids are doing.
Principle 4: Teach Emotional and Social Intelligence
Spiritual practice and emotions often go hand in hand. Teach your kids how to manage their emotions and the emotions of others. Being able to remain calm while everyone around you is being crazy is a valuable skill applicable to all walks of life. Read some books. Make it a priority. Again, the best thing to do is to have high emotional intelligence.
I’ve got a little saying I came up with a few years ago- “I’ve been smart all my life. I wasn’t happy or successful till I figured out how to make my emotions work for me.”
Principle 5: Respect your child’s choices
This is another toughie (The astute reader may notice I havn’t listed anything especially easy).
For this principle, I don’t just mean religious/spiritual, I mean choice of friends, identity, habits, and anything else you can think of.
The biggest reasons for this principle are to not let your disapproval of something cause more of it (should it be harmful) and so you and your child can maintain a real relationship.
In conclusion, it all boils down to being the kind of person you want your kids to grow up to be. It’s no guarantee of anything, but it ends up being the best method we’ve got to teach kids what possibilities exist.
Good luck.
