Teenager: A Guide to the Male Species

The Teenager is a member of the species “Constantlius Hungrius” which suddenly and without warning replaces the sweet, smiling child you once knew. The Teenager is a formidable animal and not to be regarded lightly. One can recognize that the species is now dwelling in the home by certain visual signs such as frequent eye-rolling, shoulder shrugging and long bouts of silence; by auditory signs such as the interchange of the human language with a non-human one, guttural responses, prolonged sighs, tsk-ing of the tongue and reactive bursts of “geez”. One should always proceed with caution and whenever possible, bring back up.

Teenagers arrive in the home without warning and usually replace a child you once knew with one you have never met before. At the age of 20 that child you knew may return, but until then the human provider of the Teenager must understand his or her role to keep the Teenager as comfortable as possible. The Teenager will appear with an apparatus stuck to it’s ear called a “cell phone”. Do not attempt to remove this apparatus from the ear as it actually formed to the ear and cannot be taken off. Any conversation perpetrated by the Teenager is usually directed toward the “cell phone” and not to the human provider. Some human providers of the Teenager have heard what sounds like human conversation coming from behind locked doors; though muffled, some providers have heard “sick” “random” “epic” “LMAO” and “duh”.

Teenagers operate on a level above all human providers. Teenagers will remind you frequently of this fact. Harmony is obtained between the Teenager and the human provider when the human provider understands his or her role as: public transporter, communications supplier, food donor. If the human provider attempts a conversation with a Teenager this heinous act is usually met with smirks, glum silence and occasional grunting. If the human provider attempts physical contact, particularly around the hair area, the Teenager may have a grand mal fit. It is best not to touch the hair. Clothing should always be chosen by the teenager, nothing the human provider can choose will be sufficient. However, the human provider usually has an advantage when it comes to food. This advantage should be used to the human provider’s benefit as much as possible.

The Male Teenager can be a Neanderthalic source of entertainment to the family. A particularly talented member of the species can burp a melodic rendition of "Soulja Boy" while simultaneously downing a roast beef sandwich (teenagers may have two throats—research in progress). Research has determined that Teenagers have more than one stomach, perhaps as many as four. Brave providers can attempt to watch him eat; however, this is like witnessing a shark feeding, it’s terrifying and fascinating at the same time. Please keep your hands and feet away.

Teenagers eat often, approximately 12-20 times a day; if food is unavailable you may take your life into your hands. During feeding hour it is not unusual to note members of the provider family watching in horror, forks poised in mid-air, while the Teenager rips into his meal in a visual reminiscent of the Gremlins after-midnight feeding frenzy scene. This will continue as the teenager slurps, burps, chews, shovels, gurgles, drips, drops, and finally, heaves a satiated sigh. This is good, do not be alarmed. Once the Teenager is fed he may progress to his room; at this point the other members of the family can proceed with their meal in relative safety. Be prepared– the Teenager will often return to the dinner table five minutes later saying he is hungry.

Please, do not try attempt to extol the virtues and sacrifices of motherhood/fatherhood; the species will undoubtedly spring forth with adjectives you may or may not have heard before and which may or may not be of human language. Eye rolling will ensue. Hormones may or may not engage. Hormones rule the teenager; this is a natural progression of the species and when engaged one should not panic. It is best to let the hormonal rants take their course through the house, up the stairs and into the bedroom. Hormonal rants in the kitchen, however, have the potential to get ugly—secure a fire extinguisher and hope for the best. If necessary, throw Little Debbie cakes or Krispy Kreme donuts; these usually pacify the rant. When all else fails, jump through the nearest window and return after 11 pm.

(Disclaimer: Teenagers, this is all in fun and you know we love you, hormones and all)

Sharon Cece © 2009