Effective communication begins with understanding some basic things about the person you’re wanting to communicate with – in this case your boyfriend. Take for instance this scenario: Somebody is yanking your chain and you want your boyfriend to just listen to you – and not do anything about it. But your boyfriend isn’t receptive to that. So consider this:
Guys want to fix things – we’re wired that way. When girls just want us to listen and not offer suggestions to fix whatever made you sad in the first place, we feel helpless (and therefore worthless). I won’t go into whether that’s right, wrong, fair, unfair, or indifferent – it’s just accurate. So if you don’t want your boyfriend to assume that you’re wanting him to feel worthless, then when you want him to “just listen” you need to let him know somehow that it’s not your intention to make him feel worthless (assuming, of course, that’s not your intention).
I’ve wondered about this for a long time - why females as a group don’t seem to understand this simple yet powerful little notion: girls, you can get us guys to do pretty much anything you want, as long as you approach it in a manner that allows us to save face.
Maybe if instead of: “My sister (aunt, co-worker, boss, whoever) is such a bully to me…”
What would happen if you began this way?:
“I’ve mentioned before how bad it makes me feel when I’m bullied by (insert name of bad person). I know you could fix this for me easily, and I know you want to fix it because you love me and it hurts you to see me sad like this. But this is something I need to do myself. I need to grow a backbone and deal with this in an assertive manner, which I’m well on my way to doing. I can’t go on depending upon you to fix everything for me. Please trust me when I say that I’m taking steps to remedy this situation, but right now would you let me just tell you how it makes me feel? Just to have you listen and acknowledge that I have the right to feel this way about it may be just the support I need to be able to deal with this effectively, the way you would want me to. What do you say? In light of what I just now told you, would you be comfortable with just listening to me?”
I can tell you what might happen. You might get a favorable response from your guy. Once relieved of that responsibility we feel (the one to protect you with our last breath from harm and discomfort -physical, emotional, whatever), he may surprise you. He might even be surprised at what he’s comfortable with. And don’t be too hard on your guy for being this way. It’s a very primal, instinctive response. In fact, all of us are just a few generations removed from the time in history when how well that instinct to protect was developed meant the difference in survival – and I’m not talking about survival of the relationship.
And ladies, by taking that sort of approach you are not “groveling”. All of us have the tendency to lapse into defensive mode, thinking things like: “I sound like I’m begging – he/she will interpret that as a weakness and use it to take advantage of me”. You have to trust your partner to not do that. It’s not easy, but it’s really in your best interest. Because if it turns out that the person you thought you could trust really would take advantage of you, then you’ll know it now – not later. And it’s better to find out now than at some future date after you’ve invested even more into the relationship.
But girls, if your guy does respond favorably to a different approach, that’s a very positive development and by all means don’t abuse it. It’s not fair to your significant other, male or female, to allow to continue a situation that causes you sadness, discomfort, stress, or distress. You are not the only casualty – it hurts your partner also. That’s one of the responsibilities you buy into when you enter into a relationship. You are not alone anymore. You have a responsibility to take care of you in every way.
