Let me tell you a quick story to start. I was sitting in a new class one night when this skinny bespectacled Asian guy with decided to sit right next to me. Now, I don’t know how you feel about coming into new classes or workshops, but there’s always a hint of expectation–of not knowing who you’re going to meet, or what to expect–essentially, it’s a bit of a wildcard experience.
He sits down next to me, and as we work as partners through the class, I begin to realize that he’s quite funny underneath the Asian-nerd stereotype I’ve unfairly categorized in (just read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell, you’ll know what I mean); and he’s confident too!
So in the essence of an hour, by his very being, he managed to chip away at one of my frame of references–the Asian nerd. I took something away from that class greater than the fact that Chianti Italian red table wine is pretty darn good– I walked away quite perplexed as to why I was attracted to him–and precisely, his magnetism and confidence minus the square-jawed, tall framed,wavy-haired, strong-and-silent-type persona I was so used to being attracted to (and no, it wasn’t the wine!).
So what’s the lesson here? For all of you who still have yet to screw up the courage to ask your crush out, or deny even the remote possibility: Just do it! While your physical features are undeniably part of the “honey that attracts a certain type of bee,” you can’t underestimate the ability of your other traits and strengths to also play a key role in enticing the bees you should so desire.
Some starter recommendations below:
1. So you can’t really leverage your looks (ok, until your pocketbook weighs more than the turkey your mom makes for Christmas). Reflect on what are your strengths are and what do friends love most about you, minus your physical features. (Footnote: Case in point–I don’t find Leonardo DiCaprio all that handsome. But I fell in love with him in Titanic because he was smart, quick-thinking, and knew what he wanted (ahem! Hello Rose!).
Action item: Really think about it, and learn to be at ease with bringing these traits out naturally in front of the opposite sex (or same sex–whatever tickles your fancy).
2. To develop confidence– not cockiness. While definitely not an easy task, this is the magnet that will draw more chicks to you than paper clips to a stealth magnet (I can attest–see the intro above!).
Action item: Pick one area of your life that you feel would enrich all realms of your life if you chose to develop it. Public speaking? Money management? Learning yourself out of worrying? Your slouching posture? This is efficiency and positive results rolled into one.
3. Small steps, small steps! Wayne Gretzky once said that you miss 100% of the goals you never take. Never fail to step up to the plate, make small talk, introduce yourself. If they’re not interested, there’s approximately 2 billion* other potential mates that are out there for yours to attract. Surely ONE will bite. And, in the dating game, it really does take only one.
Action item: “Stepping up” doesn’t mean asking out every creature living out from under a rock. This only means going one step beyond your current comfort zone–say hello, even as you’re feeling like a bowl of jelly. And then the next step…and next step…
4. Stay clean, and more importantly, smell like it! Research has shown that the primary reason why people have stepped away from a closing deal has been due to the salesman’s body odor. How critical is this? Try going for a week without a shower and wonder why even your dog is staying away from you. Think you’re not a salesman? Your product is you, and if no one wants it, let’s cut the denial.
Action item: Shower and soap, daily. ‘Nuff said.
4. What have you got to lose? On the quest for love, if you still have reservations about your looks and you deem yourself unworthy of a certain person’s attention, think about this: fast forward 50 years, do you (or your significant other) really want to still be in the Botox chair in your desperation to preserve what was meant to prune? Or would you rather have someone who will grow laugh lines with you, and be part of the genuine love story that everyone hopes to find?
5. Learn to be happy with yourself. A tall order? An even taller order when you expect someone else to “make” you happy– only half the calories but twice the tears with a hint of bitterness.
Action item: Read a self-help book or two; get comfortable in your own skin. When you have an inner glow, this is when the Law of Attraction starts working the way you’re working on yourself. It gets good. Real goooood.
* This may be an overestimation, or underestimation.
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