There are so many things to do when you’re at the beginning point of planning a wedding, it’s hard to know where to begin. One of the topics you need to bring up early on, is the number of people you’re thinking of inviting. Whether you pick a venue first and use its capacity to set that number (the recommended way, because depending on venue availability, this will also help you set your exact date), or set an approximate number based on your budget or simply the size of your anticipated group and then look for a venue to accommodate it, these are the first two questions –venue and number of guests, that needs to resolved before you can continue making plans, cost estimates, and so forth.
First, divide your maximum guest number into thirds. Give each of your families the number for their one-third limit. Then the two of you as a couple need to make up a list of people that YOU want to invite, within or approximating your one-third limit. To make it easier for everyone, set it up on a chart on your computer–if your families are computer-savvy, give them the form on a disk, and if not, just print it out in hard-copy for them to fill in.
Guest List Tip #1: even though it seems early, don’t just tell them how many they can invite and give them a sample of the list–ask them to complete the list, with addresses, and tell them you’d like it by a certain date–perhaps a month later. When the date comes, remind them. Make it your fiancé’s job to keep on top of his family until you have it in hand. They need to crank out a list you can use to begin with. And you can expect them to contact you with changes (usually additions) right up to a few weeks before the wedding.
There probably won’t be many surprises from your own family–perhaps a few duplications between your own list and theirs, who can be eliminated. But sit down with your fiancé and review his family’s list the same way, deleting any duplications between the lists. You may be surprised to find that there are people on his family’s list he doesn’t know from Adam–like his mother’s bridge club. If he’s never met them, they probably shouldn’t be invited–unless they are well within their numerical limit. Highlight questionable guests for review, and move them to a “B” list. (If your family is under their limit, that would allow for his family to be a few over.)
Guest List Tip #2: Probably you’ve seen this elsewhere, but as a rule of thumb, if you add up all the guests (including spouses, dates, etc.) that “RSVP” that they will come–or that you feel are certain to come–and deduct all “courtesy” invitations that you absolutely do not expect to be accepted (out-of-towners etc.), then deduct 20% from that total, you should be pretty close to your actual number of guests. Some people who have “RSVP’d” positively will for one reason or another be unable to attend (couldn’t get a babysitter, family emergency, illness), and some people who never bothered to send the card back will show up with bells on.
Be guided by the budget. If you have a specific number of tables and are paying for corresponding linens, china, silverware, stemware, and centerpieces, more guests will mean more tables with all of the above. And that’s BEFORE you talk about additional food and drink–and space. Particularly if you are using a caterer, you will pay top dollar for the food PER GUEST that you need them to be prepared for–if guests don’t show, you still have to pay per capita for their meals, so you need to have a relatively accurate handle on your total number. Particularly if money is tight, you don’t want to pay $500 (or more) for uneaten meals, even if they WILL box it up for your family to take home.
Guest List Tip #3: It’s also your fiancé’s responsibility to run interference for you when his family goes nuts after the invitations have been mailed out, trying to be sure they haven’t missed anybody. If it’s only a couple, no harm done. You can squeeze in one extra setting at each table. But if it’s going to create a budget or logistical problem, he’s going to have to say “no,” without putting you in the position of saying so. Even if you’ve known his family for years, this is an emotionally-charged time for all of you, and the worst possible time for either you or them to begin to resent the other. Again, add the last-minute extras to the “B” list. (Possible solution, Guest List Tip #4.)
Do be reasonable enough to consider that there are often old family friends and relatives who are elderly and/or live far away and whom his family hasn’t seen for 25 years, for whom the invitation is merely a courtesy, a way of making them feel included, and there is no chance they will attend. In the past, these people would have received announcements after the fact instead of invitations–but announcements are becoming less common these days, except as part of an invitation to a reception for a couple who married elsewhere, such as in military situations, elopements, and couples who opt for destination weddings. If there’s a substantial number of these “courtesy” invitations without increasing the actual guest count, the gracious thing is to accommodate those requests. (It can mean so much to a fragile elderly aunt in an assisted-living home across the country, to know she hasn’t been forgotten and is still a valued part of the family–and it gives her something to talk about with the ladies at her dinner table, and a trip to Hallmark to pick out a card. Be sure she gets a few pictures later and a thank-you note for her card, even if she doesn’t send a gift–something else for her to share in a world that has grown very small.)
Time-wise, consider that you have to get the invitations ordered, PRINTED and received (and what if there’s a typo and you have to wait again?), in time go through the time-consuming task of addressing them and getting them ready to mail, and actually mailing them, which is generally about six weeks before the wedding. Even more maddening, if you’re making your own invitations, as is increasingly popular, at some point you just have to stop and put all the materials away, and quit dragging out the box of supplies to make 3 more or 1 more or 2 more every couple of days to accommodate someone’s last-minute requests. (To allow for add-ons, and the forgotten great-aunts who will be remembered at the last minute but won’t attend, have printed (or make) perhaps 25 extra invitations for last-minute use–and on top of that, order an additional 25 blank envelopes (both inner and outer, if you have both) to allow for changes and errors in hand-writing addresses.)
Often it’s the fiancé himself who will begin to catch wedding fever as the event approaches. Suddenly he’s seeing wedding decor, been fitted for his tux, and finds himself looking over your shoulder as you open wedding gifts that are arriving daily, and it becomes much more real to him. In spite of having worked together with you on your original guest list, suddenly he wants to add half a dozen people (with guests) from work, his soccer team, and eleven of his college fraternity brothers whose last names he can’t remember. Of course you absolutely want him to have the ones who are important to him there. Help him narrow down late additions by asking “would you expect to get an invitation to HIS wedding? And would you actually go?” Often you can get him to prioritize them into “A” and “B” lists; try to work in the “A’s,” and agree to deal with the “B’s” if possible.
Guest List Tip #4: Mail out your invitations seven weeks before the wedding, instead of six. Use your master guest list to record “yes” and “no” RSVP’s as they come back to you.. Then at 4 weeks (still not too late that the recipients will realize they weren’t the first mailing), use any remaining invitations to send out to “B”-list guests, filling up these vacated guest slots. If you’ve used all of your invitations, don’t even think twice about it: go to an office supply or party store, where you will find a surprisingly decent, if limited, assortment of invitations in packs of 25, that come with a template for you to easily set up to print yourself on your home computer, using the exact same wording as on your original invitation, print ‘em up, and send them out–matching RSVP cards are also available. (What are the odds that guests are going to end up comparing invitations?)
It may seem pessimistic to foresee problems with something as simple as making a list and checking it twice–but it’s better to be proactive and have a plan to handle the issues as they arise, and avoid unspoken hurt feelings and additional stress and rushing around during the final weeks approaching your wedding.
03.14.09
