Ah, the little “extras” that come up as you work your way through the unending list of tasks leading up to your wedding. You probably don’t really think too much about this one until you’re seriously looking over your guest-list in preparation for ordering invitations–that eternal conundrum of family-meets-friends: what to do about The Family Drunk or Otherwise Eccentric Relative. And when I say “you,” I don’t just mean the bride; the groom is just as likely to have one of these colorful branches swinging loosely from his family tree. At the very least, you should discuss whether or not there is anyone of concern in your families or close friends (it’s possible you just haven’t met them yet), and if not, you can put the matter out of your mind. If it’s an issue, read on.
There is nothing inherently wrong with being drunk at a wedding, if you’re not climbing into the driver’s seat: people enjoy seeing others have a good time, act a bit silly, and hit the dance floor like an audition for Dancing with the Stars. There is something inherently wrong with repaying the hospitality of your host by becoming rude, crude, or creating a scene–whether it’s from alcohol or the drama of causing a ruckus in front of an audience.
And I think each of us know who we’re talking about, here. The otherwise-normal brother-in-law who becomes more and more surly or belligerent with every drink. The “funny” uncle (or aunt–clue: she’s showing way too much cleavage for her age before she even has a drink) who becomes more and more lewd. The late-arriving cousin who skips the ceremony to stagger in mid-reception, inappropriately dressed and practicing cowboy whoops. The sister whose suppressed resentment over a real or imagined injustice in the past is liberated by her third glass of champagne, seeking out the perpetrator, and picking a fight that will predictably escalate into an adult tantrum. The sneak-drinking cousin who you trusted to keep it together just this once to provide hands-on help on your special day, who lets you down and actually risks the success of your celebration.
There’s no point in pretending these characters–in whatever adverse way their behavior manifests itself–are unlikely to re-offend, or in crossing your fingers and hoping for the best; your wedding is one of the major occasions of your life–few things will cause you to devote so much thought, planning, emotion, effort and expense. And while you may love them dearly, it’s unrealistic to assume that this is the one time they’re going to come through for you.
There are only three things you can do to prevent the ‘usual suspects’ from becoming a side-show at your wedding:
1) Don’t invite them. You may think such an obvious solution isn’t possible, but depending on how close your family is or is not, and depending on how well-known the problem is among the family, it may be perfectly do-able. Often a relative with a drinking or behavior problem will become somewhat distant (perhaps the word “estranged” is a little too strong) from the rest of the family, disliking the feeling that the family is judging him or her. So, if this is a relative that you seldom see, and yours is not the type of family where your upcoming wedding is going to be the chief topic of conversation until your first anniversary; or if the problem is pretty generally acknowledged, you CAN simply not invite them and just not tell anyone who might be sensitive about it. The “uninvited” may be completely unaware of the wedding, or may not care about attending; and others within the family will just assume they were invited and not give much thought about not seeing them there until later, if at all.
Even if yours IS a closer family, you can be diplomatic but honest and firm; tell the people who are the most likely to be upset at the person’s exclusion that you and your fiancé(é) have discussed the matter and regrettably are unwilling to include the person. Be prepared to cite more than one incident that caused you to arrive at this conclusion. It helps if you can enlist someone with a strong voice within the family to back you up, or whoever would be most likely to break the news the least hurtfully.
2) If you simply can’t exclude them without breaking Grandma’s heart or causing a family rift that will last for generations (your wedding should engender family joy), your next best bet is to enlist help. Often if this person is married, their spouse will be a study in protective denial: “you know your uncle would never do that to you!”–so this is obviously not the right person to approach. Pick a cousin you know fairly well, and acknowledge that you have a rather awkward request–but could they just keep an eye on Uncle So-and-So to be sure he’s not greeting your bridesmaids by exclaiming “Nice RACK!” (Just FYI, I’m not making these particular examples up; I’ve personally seen every one of them–so don’t think it can’t happen to you.)
Also, put your parents on notice of anybody that you feel needs to have some behavioral supervision; they are the heads of their respective families on this occasion, and this request/reminder will make them aware of their responsibility to circulate a little more frequently past possible problem-causers to be sure things are running smoothly. Sometimes, just the feeling that they aren’t invisible will keep them in line.
If it’s an “almost-family”-level close friend, do not make the mistake of allowing them to participate in your wedding party, unless you have a sufficiently strong Maid/Matron of Honor or Best Man who is willing (you’re going to have to discuss it with them) to keep an eye on their consumption and/or behavior during the reception. Their duties to you are not just honorary, and don’t end with the ceremony; they should be staunch enough friends to help out with whatever it takes to make your celebration a success.
3) Give your bartender the authority to cut off people who appear to have had too much. Obviously this can be touchy, but a professional bartender will have been in this situation before, and will know how handle the matter tactfully–one good reason to select your bartender carefully, ask the right questions, and select somebody who can do more than pour drinks and make jokes. Introduce the bartender to your parents or your Best Man and Maid/Matron of Honor, so that he will know who to seek out if he has a problem with a guest that begins to interfere with his duties. They can then take the person for a head-clearing walk outside, seat them with a cup of coffee and a slice of cake, call them a cab, or let their significant other know that they need to go home to prevent being sorry in the morning.
A little forethought on this issue, if it applies to your situation, can keep everyone from being sorry in the morning.
