The world has changed a lot in the past 50 years, and certainly on the subject of weddings, there are all kinds of traditions that have been abandoned, changed or simply no longer apply. Despite the changes, one common fact remains: weddings are still the bringing together of two people with two families (if split households are involved, sometimes more), one of which will almost certainly take the lead in wedding planning, leaving the couple with a very traditional problem: the other family–particularly the mom–may feel left out.
In a traditional situation, it’s generally the bride’s mother who supports the bride in working through the immense labor of love that is the planning and preparation for a wedding–and this continues to be true in spite of the trend toward more couples paying independently for their own wedding celebrations–so it’s not simply because the bride’s family is footing the bill. The bride trusts her mother, knows her tastes and abilities, her reliability. That she turns to her family means nothing against his family, it’s just the natural place for her to turn.
Unfortunately, that’s not how it feels to the prospective mother-in-law. It’s pretty common for grooms’ mothers to begin to feel like they’re on the outside trying to get a peak inside the creation of what is also a very important day for someone very important to them, and they’re not quite tall enough to see in the window. Although unintentional, it’s frustrating and hurtful to them, and can hardly enhance your relationship.
How to get her out of isolation? Communication. If she and your mother get along nicely, it’s ideal if they can communicate mother-to-mother–perhaps by e-mail, so that she can be sent photos of favors you’re considering, the final choice for the bridesmaids’ gowns, websites of venues you’ve visited, etc. If your mother isn’t comfortable with that, keeping her up-to-date must fall to you–not your fiance, who will quickly tire of being the messenger. The whole idea is to include her on behalf of your family.
When a significant decision is made, you and your fiancé should give his parents a call with the news–for instance, to tell them which venue you’ve settled on. If the venue gives occasional open-houses, you might give them the dates of the next few and plan an outing with them to view it.
Since you will probably be seeing his mom in person from time to time, make sure you take along physical things that she might be interested in seeing–fabric swatches, bridal magazines, a sample favor, an invitation as soon as they arrive. Allow her to share some of the excitement. Freely discuss your colors, the kind of décor you’re planning, and the general flow of the ceremony and reception. Ask her if she would prefer a neutral corsage such as ivory or, if she already knows what she will be wearing, a corsage in a color to compliment her outfit. Or perhaps she’d prefer a wrist corsage–give her some choices. When it’s tuxedo time, include opinions of both in-laws–the father-in-law will usually be wearing one, after all, and if your wedding is very traditionally-structured, he’ll be paying for them, too.
When it’s time to write out invitations for mailing, tie bows on favors or slap personalized labels on your wine bottles–these jobs are the kinds of details that seem small, but take up hours of time–plan a “Wedding Work Party.” Many hands make short work of time-consuming little tasks. Send out invitations to those in your inner circle, including your fiance’s mother–they will all be delighted to have an opportunity to participate. Set up work areas in advance and plan for refreshments; put on fun music in the background (“Girls Just Want to Have Fun” and “Goin’ to the Chapel,” etc.) and encourage chatter. This is also a chance for everyone to become more familiar with each other, meaning less stress on the Big Day. Take some photos, showing her working as one of the group.
Most wedding photographers have a checklist form for you to fill out so that specific people or group shots don’t get overlooked in the bustle of the event. Be generous enough to understand that a wedding is one of those rare occasions when families and old friends reunite, sometimes after long periods of time, and she may have some shots of families or groups of friends that she’d love to have captured, but is hesitant to ask. So offer her the opportunity–within reason (set a limit of 1/2 hour of the photographer’s time). Add the names/groups to your photography list, and tell her you’ll arrange for a specific slot of time in the photographer’s schedule for her “special requests” to be taken. This may mean they will have to arrive early for photos and then wait a bit for the ceremony to begin (they won’t mind, they can visit). Do get back to her after speaking to the photographer so that she can make time arrangements with her people.
You will likely have one or more wedding shower hosted by friends, aunts or cousins; be sure that his mother is invited (lingerie showers and “passion parties” excepted).
It used to be not only common, but almost mandatory that wedding gifts received prior to the wedding would be given a display table in the home of the bride’s parents. While this is no longer expected, it would be nice either before the wedding or shortly after returning from your honeymoon, to invite your new in-laws over before you put it all away, to peruse your lovely new things, many of which did, after all, come from their friends and family.
Even if you tend to be a shy or private person, pushing yourself to make the effort to try some of these suggestions is the best way to avoid the unspoken feeling of alienation that may grow between you and his mother leading up to your wedding. Moreover, the more exposure you have to each other, the more comfortable you will become. Not only is it a kind approach to your bridegroom’s parents, it will reflect well on you with him, and serve as an investment into a marriage free of in-law issues.
01.08.09
