The Rehearsal Dinner should be a fun, relaxed event that provides a kind of last-minute “breather” right before the Wedding Day: your closest friends (who you’ve selected as your wedding party) and immediate families all mingling–which will help you all to be a little more familiar with each other and therefore hopefully more at-ease at the real ceremony; an interlude when the anticipation is still high–but for these few hours, the pressure is off.
Usually given by the groom’s family, this is the groom’s parents’ time to shine as hosts, and where those immediately involved in the rehearsal for the wedding ceremony retreat after the “business” of the rehearsal, for a light-hearted gathering. It may be held as a patio or barbecue dinner in a lovely backyard, or a restaurant that stops somewhere short of expensively fine dining–the hosts need to bear in mind that the upcoming wedding is the Main Event, and the Rehearsal Dinner should not be "in competition" with it. Also, although his parents may be acting as hosts, they should lean towards the couple’s wishes as to where to have the dinner, or at least the kind of rehearsal dinner the couple would like.
As to suggestions, many Italian restaurants (notably the Spaghetti Factory chain, if your city has one) or nice Mexican restaurants have small banquet rooms, where a festive atmosphere prevails, and they’ll usually be happy to work with you to provide either plated dinners or a pre-arranged buffet of selected dishes for a package price. (Their colorful décor will also make for great pictures!) Hospitality note: just like at the wedding, don’t ask the guests to pick up the tab for their own beverages–everybody has big day ahead of them tomorrow, so the dinner won’t linger on, and the tab should be reasonable.
With everybody’s schedule so busy these days–and the vast majority of rehearsals taking place on either Thursday or Friday nights to accommodate people’s work schedules, it’s best to take a casual approach to this particular event. Many people will be coming from work, so “nice casual” (or “business casual”) should be specified on the invitations as appropriate dress–so nobody has to even think about going home to change first, before getting to the rehearsal, and then coming to the dinner. And if someone has to arrive half a hour late because of their work schedule–you’ll work it out. (A rehearsal helps everyone know what is expected of them and when, but unless they’ve never attended a wedding before, it’s not Rocket Science, and the latecomer should be able to pick up the idea–as long as they understand where they fit in the lineup.)
There are times when the church or venue is heavily booked, and you may not be able to get your rehearsal scheduled for the exact night you would like to have it–no worries. You can always take half an hour when you first arrive at the venue, to run through a rehearsal. (Lots of wedding parties do this “second rehearsal” anyway, just so everyone feels more confident.) Unless you’re having a Cast of Thousands, it should be relatively brief. If you have a Wedding Planner, they will step forward at this time to line everybody up, cue the music, inform everyone of the order in which things will proceed, and actually be standing at the “starting line” to give each person the signal to go. If you don’t have a Wedding Planner, this role can actually be filled very competently by your Maid or Matron of Honor, since she won’t be going down the aisle until just before you do, with only the Ringbearer(s) and Flower Girl(s) to come after her. Iif they are very young, their mothers or grandmothers should wait with them to provide them with as much “courage” as possible, and sent them up the aisle at the appropriate moment, just ahead of the bride and her father. The Wedding Officiant may or may not have time in his or her schedule to make it to the rehearsal (don’t worry, all you need is someone to physically stand in for him/her)–but as a courtesy should be invited to both the rehearsal and the dinner.
So, just for the record, the guest list for the Rehearsal AND Rehearsal Dinner should include:
• Bride and Groom, and their parents
• Bride’s attendants, with spouses or dates
• Bestman, Groomsmen and Ushers, with spouses or dates
• DJ or person who will play piano, etc. at the ceremony, spouse or dates optional
• Friends who are participating by performing a reading, singing, or playing a musical instrument, with spouses
or dates
• Candle-lighters or junior bridesmaids, if any. If they are young teenagers, they do not need to be given the
option of bringing a guest.
• Flowergirl(s) and/or Ringbearer(s), with parents and siblings
• Wedding Officiant (don’t be offended if they opt out of the dinner; many do)
• Special friends/relatives that have made significant contributions or efforts to help make the wedding a reality
So what happens to the dinner if you can’t have the rehearsal until the morning of the ceremony? Nothing! Just go ahead and have it on the night you wanted it. If there should be a bridesmaid or groomsman “flying in” the next morning, don’t have angst about it–they will be missed at the dinner, but shouldn’t be pressured to come a day sooner or to feel badly about having to miss it. The Rehearsal Dinner is not only a tradition, but an opportunity to involve the groom’s family, and for your ‘cast of characters’ to mingle a little, to make your Wedding Day less awkward.
Speaking of people flying in for the wedding, both families will–of course–be excited to see and catch up with visiting relatives from out of town, whom they don’t get to see all that often. However, the impulse to include them at the Rehearsal Dinner because you feel that you are their hosts, needs to be strongly subdued . The rehearsal dinner is ONLY for the wedding party and immediate families, and in order to maintain the relaxed atmosphere that everyone s for, while still being attentive hosts to the needs of the guests, the temptation to invite everybody with a plane ticket “because they ve come so far,” should be avoided. It will cause the hosts to gravitate into cliques with their own relatives, becoming more of a “family reunion”, which tends to leave the wedding party feeling uncomfortable and left out–exactly the opposite of the happy, relaxed last-minute “sharing of the love” among those closest to the couple.
Of course, the bride and groom have gifts for their attendants, right down to the little ones, and the Rehearsal Dinner makes a natural time and place to give them; any absentee wedding-party members can receive theirs on the day of the wedding. Make sure they’re beautifully wrapped, with a personal note for each–and make sure you don’t forget anyone! (Always buy one or two extra for someone you may decide to include at the last minute–the older sister of the Flowergirl; your aunt playing the piano; your very pregnant sister who opted out of being a bridesmaid, etc.)
So work with the parents of the groom to set a tone that’s flexible, fun and casual for your Rehearsal Dinner–there will plenty of opportunity for everyone to get their fill of formality at the wedding itself!
