Sometimes the bride or groom may feel they’d like to honor a departed family member or very close friend at their wedding ceremony. Perhaps this person is recently gone, and their absence is still sorely felt at this special time; or even if they’ve been gone for some time, perhaps they had a big influence on someone’s life. Or it can simply be a comfort to a parent or grandparent whose spouse is no longer physically present, to have them acknowledged in some way.
This honorarium can be private or shared with others. Above all, it should be tasteful, not drawing a great deal of attention to itself; not a symbol of a family that can’t move on, but an acknowledgement of one who makes the family circle complete; a place-holder for a missing link in the chain. Obviously you don’t want to set a funereal tone for either your ceremony or the celebration to follow.
When my daughter was to be married, she asked me to shop with her to select a classic silver locket for her wedding. I was a little confused, since she had already chosen a vintage necklace of my mother’s to wear. Although both of my parents had been gone for some time, the locket was to hold a picture of them–they had been very close when she was younger–and as she said, “I want them to come down the aisle with me.” The locket was to be worked into her bouquet as an ornament; it didn’t matter to her if anyone noticed it or not. It’s a keepsake for her now, and it was a private matter between herself and them. I thought it was a lovely idea, whether worn as a necklace, or used more privately, carried in the bouquet.
For the groom, something as simple as a wallet-sized photo tucked under the pocket square of his tuxedo can provide the same kind of private remembrance. For a bit more classical elegance, the bride might make her wedding gift to the groom a pocket watch (it doesn’t have to be an expensive one) containing a photo of the person he wishes could have been there for this occasion. He can wear it with a watch chain (be sure his tuxedo vest has a watch pocket) to further distinguish him from the groomsmen, or he can simply carry it in his pocket–an unselfish keepsake from a bride who, at this sentimental time, gave him a gift of a likeness not of herself, but of someone else dear to his heart.
Whatever the color of your wedding, a single beautiful white rose (for remembrance), tied up with some greenery and a small amount of baby’s breath and a simple bow, may have a florist card attached to the ribbon reading “in loving memory of ___________” placed on an empty seat (or seats) in the front row next to the surviving parent . You will need to judge whether this should be a surprise for the widow(er) or not; if the loss is recent, a wood of warning would surely be appreciated. If the “missing” person is the father of the bride or groom, and someone else will be seated with the mother, place it on the first chair next to the mother and her escort. You can have these roses set out just prior to the ceremony, so that the message is more private . . .
. . . or, alternatively, you may wish to have them at the altar, and ask the Officiant to add a brief word of remembrance to his/her greeting to the congregation, whereupon the bride or groom turns and presents the flower to their surviving relative. Caution: even if the loss has been recent, please don’t have the Officiant ask for a moment of silence or prayer for the departed; this wedding focuses on you and your future , and will be a distinct damper if that focus is changed.
Even if you choose not to draw quite so much attention by bestowing these floral tokens, you can certainly work with your Officiant to include a word about a missing family member or members. If the bride is carrying an old family Bible instead of a bouquet (or embellished as a bouquet), or something is being used in the wedding that belonged to or was made by someone now gone, or that is an heirloom from either party’s family, it would be nice for the minister to touch on that as part of a now-unified family heritage. For example, my other daughter used a finely wood-crafted Bible stand made by her grandfather as the Officiant’s “podium”–and it warmed everyone’s heart who knew him to have it pointed out; it also conveyed the message that this was a family who values its traditions
A subtle remembrance doesn’t have to cost much of anything. Many couples set out a collage or selection of framed photos of each of them over their childhood years; this would be a “natural” place to include a photo of someone special but no longer present, with a small computer-printed tag in a pretty font on parchment-like paper, reading “Thinking of Mary’s grandfather Bill Peterson on this special day”, attaching it to the bottom of the frame, neatly centered, with a piece of double-stick tape.
There are also personalized memorial candles and vases for a small floral arrangement that can be purchased, printed with “in memory of __________”–these are plain enough to pass unnoticed yet still be pointed out to those to whom it would mean the most. Simply Google “wedding memorial vase” or “wedding memorial candle.” You can also make your own personalized candle inexpensively by printing, again in a pretty font on parchment paper in either white of ivory to match the candle–usually a 3” X 6” column–and bending the paper slightly to match the curvature of the candle, then warming–not outright melting–the wax with an aim’n’flame-type lighter, and pressing the paper onto the soft wax (be sure to position the paper well down from the top of the candle, for safety’s sake). The bride may choose to keep any of these items as her own keepsake, or have them taken home by (or given to) the remaining parent, grandparent, etc., as a keepsake of their own.
Any of these small acknowledgements will allow you feel that you have not overlooked a detail that means something to you personally, or to someone very close to you; and yet they are subtle enough to not to change the mood and tone of your ceremony. As they always say, it’s “the bride’s day”–but it doesn’t mean you can’t arrange for a small gesture to make the day for someone else.
10/06/2009
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