Thankfully, some of your endless list of wedding-related tasks are no-brainers. Probably one of the first things you’ll do after deciding on your type and size of wedding, is to select your bridesmaids–both because it’s a necessary step, and because those closest to you can’t help but wonder (often out loud) if they’ll be asked. Whether the initial choice is an easy pick because you have a small, tight group of friends, or gives you some headaches because you seriously do have nine very close friends and are forced to make some hard cuts–at least you’ll have the awkwardness of getting those choices behind you.
Maybe.
Consider these scenarios, all real:
• Bickering friends: a pair of your friends have always had a catty relationship, each jealous of the other’s friendship with you. One keeps taking verbal potshots at the other, and angling to promote her own importance. You’ve seen it yourself once or twice–but now a third bridesmaid voices a reluctant complaint about the tension and side-taking that this is creating among the group.
You need to privately confront the offending maid to let her know how difficult this makes things for you, in spite of being aimed at someone else. Perhaps that will take care of the issue. If she re-offends, fire her. If she becomes angry, resentful, or dismisses the issue as “no big deal,” you should seriously consider firing her–or, if she was slated for the role of Maid/Matron of Honor, tell her that you need a Maid of Honor who can “head up the team and work with everyone,” and that you’ve decided that while you still want her to be a part of your wedding, you’re going to ask Jessica to step up into the Honor role.
If she “resigns” in a huff at this demotion, so be it–but because you do value her as a friend, I’d recommend saying nothing more now, but giving her a call or an e-mail in a week, when she’s had time to get over the hurt feelings, to ask if she’s sure she won’t consider being a bridesmaid. She might still decline, but you will have been gracious. After one more week to allow for the possibility that she may reconsider and call you back, if you haven’t heard from her, decide whether or not you need to replace her with someone else and order the dresses. Meow.
• A price CAN be put on your friendship: several of your friends are newly-married themselves–you’ve maybe even been in a couple of those weddings–and while they’re honestly happy for you and pleased to serve as bridesmaids, you understand that their newlywed budgets are limited. For this very reason, you’ve offered to pick up the tab on their dresses. Therefore, it’s pretty hurtful when you find way at the bottom of an e-mail chain which eventually changed subjects before getting sent to you, that one seemingly-enthusiastic bridesmaid–the first to jump up immediately, offering to give you a shower–is asking another maid to go in with her on the shower to “help with the expenses.” Now, you’ve been to their showers before: bakery cake ($15), shower-themed napkins ($2.99), a bag of chips ($3.79), and a pot of coffee. If Maid One can’t budget $22 in the usual couple of months before it gets close enough to your wedding to give a shower–after you’ve paid for her dress–how committed is she to participating? The hurt feelings resulting from this are definitely not about the money. In the actual situation where I saw this happen, the Maid of Honor stepped in and tactfully told Maids One and Two that a couple of showers to which the wedding party would be invited were already being planned, and the bride would be embarrassed to have too many showers. Had that not been the case, the bride should have had a private conversation with Maid One, shown her the e-mail, and apologized for putting a burden on her finances, offering her an “out.” After all, how will she pay to get her hair done, buy even inexpensive shoes, attend your bachelorette party? She needs to understand–even without saying it outright–that being asked to participate is an honor based on a committed friendship, and that she has called that commitment into question.
• All the glory, none of the effort: it’s a month before your wedding, and you’re expecting to hear from the Matron of Honor any day now about who you’ll want invited to your bachelorette party, and what the plans are. Another week goes by, when she drops the bomb that she and her husband have just found a “screamin’ deal” on a weekend trip to Vegas with another couple–and she only mentions in passing that the trip is the weekend before your wedding. There are no longer any alternate weekends that would give people enough notice to attend. Your feelings are hurt, your nerves are frazzled, and she has just stepped on the last one, with spike heels. You ask her if she’s nuts, if she thought you just wouldn’t notice not having a hen’s night or bachelorette party. She says “no big deal, we’ll just have it on a weeknight.” Now that sounds festive–plus, how many will be able to attend on a weeknight? (Not to mention–since when does she get to decide?) But hey, she’s already bought her plane tickets–so not only will she not BE there, she obviously wasn’t giving it any thought anyway. Meanwhile, your best friend from preschool has been bubbling over with ideas for your party, but not wanting to push her own agenda. Well, here you go: fire the Matron of Honor altogether, or at least demote her, for her complete lack of consideration. Make the one who was thinking about you and anxious to help, the Maid of Honor. She’s the one who’s earned it.
• Happy for you, can’t stand your fiancé: sure, she means her barbs and digs to be funny, but it’s no secret that one of your close friends and chosen bridesmaids is either resentful that your intended has come between the two of you as the #1 in your life, or that she simply flat-out can’t stand him. He lets it all bounce off of him. But he shouldn’t have to. You need to tell her to stop it, now. And if she re-offends, fire her. How pretty will her talk sound to his family at the reception? Who knows who might overhear?
Generally you’ll know in advance if one of your inner circle is a likely candidate for this kind of behavior, and if so, it would be good to add the caveat when asking her to participate, that you know she only wants the best for you and that he wouldn’t be her first choice–but it’s NOT her choice, and that once she agrees to participate, she’s going to have to promise to cut out the negativity and support you without reservation. Tell her bluntly that if she can’t promise, you can’t include her. If she accepts and breaks her promise, give her the boot.
• Can’t help criticizing: sometimes, when somebody from your crowd is getting married every 6 or 8 months, it’s very difficult to not make comparisons. If your wedding is on a tight budget, it’s best to make light of it beforehand, when first asking your bridesmaids to participate–“well, it won’t be at the Ritz, but I’d like you by my side.” After that, if you get wind of words like “tacky” or “it looks cheap” or “she stole that idea from Melissa,” the offending party needs to be confronted and made to understand how hurtful their words are. Tell them bluntly that if they’re embarrassed to be in your wedding, they need not be part of it. Very likely, they just gossip among themselves thoughtlessly, not necessarily intending to be hurtful; they will probably be mortified that their words got back to you, and either deny or apologize. Accept their denial even if you know better–the mortification factor should take care of having to worry about what they’ll say when the Big Day comes.
• Can’t make time: if you find that one of your bridesmaids misses appointments to select or be measured for dresses, or repeatedly “has already made plans” when you try to schedule the appointments; if she sends a gift but can’t find time to actually attend your showers–you should be getting the message that your wedding is not really a big priority for her. Maybe she’s been in one wedding too many, or has a 70-hour-a-week job on the fast track to somewhere. You need to tell her frankly, that if she can’t devote enough time to participate in the necessary activities leading up to the ceremony, you don’t want to add to her load, and will understand if she withdraws–preferably before she can’t make it to the rehearsal and tells you she can be at the ceremony, but can’t stick around for the reception.
I’m sure there are many other horror stories; these are just ones I know about myself. Your wedding-day ceremony should include true friends with no agenda from the past to hurt, embarrass or belittle you, your fiancé, or the ceremony itself. In our stress-filled, fast-paced world, it seems like everybody is too busy most of the time. Too busy to give the necessary time. Too busy to think twice before firing off a stinging remark. Too self-involved to give of themselves.
Being a bridesmaid is one of the places where the buck stops. A bridesmaid can’t just make a charitable donation and fast-forward to walking down the aisle in the color of your choice. You need the timely support of reliable friends, surrounded by good will, to make it through the huge undertaking of a wedding. ‘Hire’ your bridesmaids for their love and loyalty; the knowledge that they’ll have your back if something needs attending to; that you can lapse into Bridezilla mode knowing they’ll let it slide.
And think of it as “hiring bridesmaids”–some people aren’t qualified. If you have a bone to pick with one of them, don’t ignore it and let it make you think less of yourself–clear up what you might have heard that hurts your feelings (it might be wrong!). And if their performance just isn’t acceptable, ask yourself if you would tolerate an equivalent misstep on the part of a florist or caterer–and demote them or fire them–as kindly as you can. 01.16.09
