Along with the many joys (and chores) the new couple faces in approaching their wedding, is the day they peruse their favorite department store together to pick and choose the items that will feather their nest, some of which will last them the better part of a lifetime.
Often in the past, this meant the bride was actually going to excitedly select “the goods,” while the groom went along with the enthusiasm of facing a firing squad, because nothing could interest him less than fancy china and the perfect shade of bathroom towels. However, this has changed to some extent: while the grooms may display varying levels of impatience at how long it takes each decision to be made, they are becoming more interested in having input into selecting the trappings of their home.
Many couples now register at a major department store for items that can only be purchased there–a particular pattern of china, crystal stemware, sterling silver, one outstanding crystal vase; and then they’re practical enough to register at a store such as Target for lower-ticket items such as housewares, casual china, and small kitchen appliances. In fact, many couples are examining whether or not “good” china has any realistic place in their lives, deciding that it simply doesn’t fit into their lifestyle, and abandoning it altogether.
This is good news for wedding guests, who truly do appreciate having the registries as a guide for what the couple wants and needs; if you’re going to give a gift, you naturally hope it will be something that will please the recipient. And for a number of factors these days, guests are reluctant–unless they are very close to you–to overspend as they once tended to do on wedding gifts.
Only one of these factors has to do with the recent economic nosedive: with unemployment and “underemployment” running rampant, many guests will be spending their limited funds very judiciously, and will actually be buying gifts that, quite possibly, they really can’t afford to be giving. This past year has made them reticent to simply sigh and whip out a charge-card; credit is now being reserved for emergency use. But in addition to simple dollars and cents, there’s also the fact that over the past several decades, the once-presumed longevity of a marriage has eroded, so that people no longer feel they are necessarily buying something that the couple will treasure as a wedding gift 20, 30 or more years down the line. Where they once might have stretched their budget for those Waterford candlesticks, today they’re practical enough to realize that you might never use them, but you probably do need the towels that will wear out in a few years–and may outlast the marriage; and relatedly, since so many couples have already set up housekeeping together, guests may wonder if their gift is really needed, or in fact why they’re celebrating a wedding at all, since their lives will be virtually unchanged after the ceremony.
Since the 1980’s, brides have been encouraged to enjoy a (now-often-repeated phrase) “sense of entitlement” regarding their weddings–they were entitled to a wedding that would bankrupt their parents (or themselves as a new couple), entitled to a gown costing thousands, not hundreds; they soaked up their friends’ and families’ chanting like a mantra about the wedding day: “It’s your day; it’s all about you . . . you . . . you . . . that’s right, I get it: me, me, me. . . .” They expected the accumulation of thousands of dollars’ worth of gifts. When you think about it, it’s not really a very pretty attitude, and is probably what’s responsible for all the “Bridezillas” disgusting people on the shock-TV shows.
But now, except perhaps for the very wealthy, that party is over; go sleep it off. Today, just as you may have to make some tough choices in your budgeting and planning for the wedding itself, you need to help your guests out by re-thinking what you need and making a list of what you will register for in advance of your shopping trip with your Intended. This should cut down the shopping time so that he doesn’t see it as such an “ordeal”–and possibly even make him helpful. “Honey? Did you see one those butcher blocks with the knives sticking out of it?” (In my family, we refer to these as "Burglar Convenience Centers".)
Example for list-making: if you already live together, you probably already have a can opener. At the time that you bought it, you were having to buy so many other basic needs that you bought the skimpy bare-metal one at the dollar store, that hurts your hand but does the job. Put “can opener with rubber handles” on your pre-shopping list. Same with the nylon cooking utensils that become so limp when warm that they sag pitifully in an effort to flip over a pancake; the miscellaneous pots and pans that were hand-me-downs or cheaply purchased with ominous shreds of non-stick interiors, which have seen you through the worst of learning how to cook. This is time for a new, fresh start: put things on your list that you know you need, even if it’s replacing something else.
Try to think of many small $10 - $30 items; you will probably have one or two showers for which your guests will want (smaller) ideas–and didn’t you wish you had a colander last week when you were pouring the water off the spaghetti and got that steam burn on your arm? A trivet to keep a hot pan from making a permanent mark on the counter? And WHY don’t you have any bowls to mix up a batch of cookie dough? Also, some guests prefer to make up a gift package of several smaller items instead of something larger that they truly can’t afford, as a wedding gift. Register for this type of gift at your Target-type store; the prices are simply more realistic there than in the Housewares Department of the Major Department Store. Even for towels and bed linens, you’re going to get more for THEIR dollar by registering at the “discount” store. What else? Everyday china and glassware. You can register for “guy” things there, too–a hammer or a tool box; a set of screwdrivers. A tent; a pair of sleeping bags; a camp stove.
What I’m getting at is to give your guests lots of smaller choices–one of the most common complaints I’ve heard among guests at showers and weddings is “there was nothing left on the list that hadn’t been bought,” or “she hardly had anything on the list!” And so now we come to final of the most-heard complaints: "There was nothing on that list that I could afford!"
What NOT to register for: microwaves, television sets, mattresses, entire sets of luggage, a coffee table. Big ticket-items make guests wonder, “Geez, how excited are they going to be about my ironing board?” or “Their family must be loaded! How comfortable am I going to BE at this wedding? Maybe I should just stay home,” or even “What a couple of money-grubbers!” Just don’t drag your guests into the Land of Resentment. Maybe allow one bigger-ticket item, in the price neighborhood of the Kitchen-Aid MixMaster Mixer (which everyone just MUST HAVE these days)–about $300–so that if they wanted to, several people could go in together and be able to afford it.
So, what if you really DO need a new mattress or a microwave more than anything, and can’t afford it, what with the wedding and the rings and the honeymoon? Be sneaky. One bride I know (not related to me, I swear) signed up for 16 place-settings of affordable china at her Major Department Store. She didn’t want it or need it. But it was priced right for the guests, and she got all 16 settings, for which she wrote out 16 gracious thank-you notes. After the honeymoon, they loaded it all up and returned it to the Major Department Store, who, as they knew in advance, would only give them a store credit. And then they marched themselves over to another department and bought themselves a mattress. That’s using your noodle!
The bottom line is that your registry should try to present a lot of items, but not suggest that a bailout from Congress is in order. Don’t be tempted to think that by choosing the most expensive items, you will be demonstrating that you have taste; taste can’t be purchased, so choose what you really like and will use. And if the most expensive does turn out to be what you really like, let me be the first to wish you luck setting up housekeeping with 3 teacups and 1 saucer.
09.03.2009
