I hate that I am an expert on this subject, but I am. A statistic that I have heard is that 50% of all pregnancies will end in miscarriage. In our household, this is truly the case. I have 3 children and have experienced 3 miscarriages. Well, 3 that were acknowledged by the medical community. I believe I had possibly 2 more. There was the pregnancy test that was faintly positive & then nothing. Then, there was the 54 days between cycles that was never explained. So, I know the heartache of loss as well as the blessing of life!
When a woman experiences the loss through miscarriage, it can be devastating. First, your emotions are being washed with pregnancy hormones that have risen and then crashed in your body. So, things don’t appear clear to begin with. Second, you don’t just lose a blob of meaningless tissue when a miscarriage occurs. You also lose all the hopes and dreams that you had for that child. You mourn not only the loss of a baby, but the loss of what you had hoped your future would hold. You feel as though your belly is a living grave when it should have been life giving. And, your arms feel so very empty. You watch other friends bringing home their newborns & holding them. But, for you there is nothing in your arms to hold – no healthy infant – no one even to hug and understand. You might even wonder what you did to cause this. You most likely did nothing wrong, and there are things that are helpful and things that are not helpful for a woman who has experienced a miscarriage.
First – Do not ask how far along she was. The fact is that this doesn’t matter other than to somehow make the inquirer feel better if the woman was not very far along. Some women don’t know they’re pregnant till week 8 or so. Others know almost immediately with changes occurring in their body or an early positive pregnancy test. The moment a woman’s body starts to undergo these pregnancy changes, she is pregnant. Many women begin at that moment to take extra folic acid and to emotionally prepare themselves for a baby. So, a miscarriage is a loss no matter if it is early, first trimester or later into the pregnancy.
Second – Prepare a meal or other gesture for her. When I had each of my children, one of the most fun part of recovering was when friends would bring me meals. I looked forward to it. I have a friend who also did this for me when I miscarried my first. And, I had another acquaintance who did this for me with one of the other miscarriages. I cannot ever express my gratitude for the love these people showed me through providing me with a meal. It validated the life that was lost from my womb.
Third – It was recommended to me on my first miscarriage that I name the baby. So I did. I then named the other two babies I lost as well. I’m glad I did because I have a memory of them as a part of my family – not just a miscarriage passed. I also have ultrasound pictures & a journal that I had started to write for my first miscarried child.
Fourth – Make a momento or plant a memory. There are two momentos that helped me in this regard. At a MOPS meeting, we made bracelets that included birthstones of our children. I added my 3 lost children to my bracelet as well. I included the birthstone from the month in which they arrived albeit too early to survive.
The most meaningful thing that I did, however, was to plant tulips. The year after our third loss, my husband bought me 3 tulips – one for each lost child. He then bought me a bag of tulip bulbs. I planted those 3 tulips and all those bulbs. Each year when they appear in the spring, I feel as if my children’s lives were meaningful.
Most importantly, be there for your friend or wife who has just experienced loss through miscarriage. She is most likely experiencing emotions that she has never been prepared to experience. She lost a baby. She was pregnant. She went through a delivery & birth. Her body needs to recover in a similar way as it would had she carried full term. Her emotions need to heal as her body heals.
