When it comes to kids, want and need often get confused with one another. Adults can do this also, not only with their kids but with themselves. Kids need a lot of things; kids also want a lot of things. The twain should not necessarily meet.
I look around, and see a lot of parents struggling with the want/need issue for a number of reasons. I speak candidly about this since some parents have admitted these issues to me, and so I know it’s something that other parents may struggle with also. The first issue is when a parent feels guilt due to divorce, work, etc., and without realizing it, compensate for the guilt by giving their child too many "things" and not enough structure. I have watched divorcing parents do this: one parent tries to usurp the other by out-buying the other parent, or trying to be the cool parent and/or a friend instead of parent, or by letting the child have more control than the child should. In every situation, I saw the child feel a loss of structure (even though it appeared they loved all the attention, gifts and control); I assure you this is not the case. Privately to me, the child admitted they were miserable and only wanted their parents back together; they wanted things the way they "used to be". What the child really wants is for someone to be in charge, take control and give limits and direction. I was a child of divorce, and I can tell you that when my parents split up, I didn’t have my parents vying for my attention and showering me with gifts. In truth, we struggled for many years and I actually had to go to work at a very young age. I learned "no" a lot more than "yes"; I learned that we all had to pull together as a family; I learned that things don’t always go your way but that’s okay, too. I learned to grow up instead of being showered with stuff, which would have left me more confused than satisfied.
I also have spoken to teenagers from some well-off families who admit to me that they are lonely. Their homes are beautiful; they have toys and electronic games galore; they have big bonus rooms and really nice cars. These are the same kids that come to our modest home and hang out to talk to me and tell me what’s going on in their lives. They sit around my table to eat dinner as though it was the first time an adult listened to them; some have admitted they don’t eat home-cooked meals. This makes me sad to hear this. One young man said to me, my family is very rich. I said to him, well, you can be rich in many things; you can be rich in money, or rich in love, or rich in wisdom. The young man said to me, we’re rich in money but not love. My heart got very heavy for him when he said that.
So what do kids really need?
In addition to food, shelter and clothing, kids need love, discipline and your time. These outweigh any "thing" you can give them. I know this, because I have given my kids love and time over things, and they’ve turned out really well. They’ve heard "no" more than "yes" when they’ve asked for things, especially expensive things. Kids need discipline and instruction. Love and discipline go hand in hand. Discipline teaches your kids what is acceptable and helps them to grow to be responsible adults; love assures them they have worth, and gives them self-esteem and confidence. These all are gifts that are worth more than any game or toy, as they also are investments in your child’s happiness and security.
My kids sometimes joke about the size of our home. Oh it’s nice, and we have everything we need, but it’s not huge. Compared to homes thirty years ago, it would have been considered more than adequate. Compared to the Mcmansions today, it’s modest. We don’t have an extra play room, so we all congregate in the living room or outside on the porch or lawn. My kids sometimes complain that they don’t have all the latest electronic games or cool stuff like the other kids. My kids do, however,–more than you would know–come up and put their arms around us and say, "We’re lucky, we have a great family". They hug me hard when I bake for them, they love to share their day when we gather for meals, they love to bring their friends over to hang out and talk, they admit (sheepishly) they wouldn’t trade their lives for anything in the world. Not even for an xbox, or playstation or nintendo. Not even for a Wii, or a fancy car, or a big echoing home.
This article isn’t against nice homes or big cars or fancy toys. You can have those things and still be great parents, of course, and have a great family life. The point is, kids don’t really need those things. Oh, they want them, of course, they do. But kids know, deep down in their hearts, that they don’t really need them. What kids need, more than anything regardless of whether you are married, single or divorced, is love and structure; they need a parent who will show them right from wrong, who will discipline them but also support them, who will give them time and guidance and have fun with them as often as possible, parents who play. Simple things that cost nothing, but that give a child everything they really need for a happy life.
