Now that I have a moment to myself I have something to share with all the Dad’s out there on Fathers Day. I know so many people who are in the same situation as my dad and I, we seldom speak and see oneanother only at functions we both attend by chance. I HATE this as it is uncomfortable for everyone around and us as well. Life is too short to not get over what ever it is that keeps us apart. I realize not every situation is the same and some pain can never be healed. But in so many cases it is as it is with my father and I, there is no reason for it!
We have both made mistakes in life. Perhaps we are not the person the other may think we should be. I ask, "What does that mean?" He is the man who at onetime Loved my Mother, and between the two of them 4 beautiful, smart, talented, kind, and generous people came into the world. That makes him aright in my eyes, no he wasn’t the best father, but he wasn’t the worse either, he just wasn’t there much. Yes, I could have made more of an effort to make him see me as a kid, but was that my duty? Later in life I came into my own, I became the man I am today. I think he was ashamed you see, I am gay! But by not knowing me he is the one who has missed out, I don’t know him either but I have tried. It seems to me he is afraid to know me, afraid of what he doesn’t understand. But I think it is more he is more afraid to hear what his friends would say to him or behind his back. For some men having a Gay Son is a threat to their manhood or so they think…..well your manhood is not measured by what others say, but by how you Love a child, and how you stand by the ones you bring into the world! I am sure he thinks I blame him for many things, its not true. As an adult I realize there are no booklets of directions for life, we just try the best we can. As I am sure he did at the time, but today is another day, Today I just need an ear, and perhaps may have a question he may know the answer to, today we are both men….but I think we both have alot to learn, really deep down inside I would just like to share a laugh…….but most of all I would like him to be as proud of me as my partners fathers have been. I would like to be introduced and see the pride on his face like the others who were not my father have shown in me. I am a good man, not perfect but then again who is?
I will never shy away from him, I will never understand him either, but he will always be able to count on that Fathers Day Card, he will always get a gift at Christmas gift, and he will always find my door open if he ever looks. I will never purposely embarrass him or disrespect him. I will always wonder why we do not go fishing, wonder if he would like my cooking; ya see I am an accomplished chef and caterer, wonder if he will ever see the good I do for people with who need a helping hand, wonder why he refuses to see what strangers see in me? And next Sunday wonder if he opened the card and what he thought of it…I will always wonder I guess, because he will always refuse to accept me…the little boy who didn’t play ball well, who hated to hunt and kill things, the boy who loved to dance, cook, and found his own happiness and who made a name for himself that others respect for his work and charity towards his fellow man.
I hope some of you who read this will realize how hard it is for me and others to share this day with your dad. Thank you for including me at the Bar BQ, seeing the love shared by you and your father gives me a painful hope for next year. And a hope that another father somewhere will open his heart to a child who maybe isn’t exactly what you thought you were getting, but love them for who they are! And be proud to be their friend, father, buddy, and oneday accept the one who loves them so when your gone they will not be left alone….
I have this poem hanging on my wall, and I live my life trying to find the way…..
It is true that a woman may be in love with a woman
and a man with a man
It is pleasant to be sure of it, because it is undoubtedly
the same love that we shall all feel
when we are angels.
By: Margaret Fuller Ossoli
Happy Fathers Day, Don Wishing you the best!
And for all the fathers who have made me a part of their lives, Thank You!
